A lifetime

"I do."

The crowd cheered. Confetti was thrown. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. I had finally married the love of my life. After all this time, of years of issues and breakups, of anniversaries and celebrations. We were finally married. I leaned in to kiss them.

I still remember the first time we kissed. We were sitting in my apartment, they were wearing a pink oversized jumper which bought out the colour of their hair. I remember I thought they looked adorable but I was too nervous to say anything. We were sitting on the floor in front of the couch watching 'into the deep'. We had ordered chinese food but I could barely bring myself to eat. I loved chinese food too. They reached over and grabbed onto my hand. Just like that, with no hesitation. I still remember my heart beating out of my chest. "Are you ok?" I could barely speak a straight sentence. How could I be ok when the prettiest person I had ever seen was sitting on my living room floor, watching my tv, holding my hand. How could I ever be ok again? "I'm fine, just kinda nervous." They leaned forward and simply kissed me. It was just a peck but it was enough to almost send me into cardiac arrest. "Don't be."

I pulled away. We were finally married. We could now spend the rest of our lives together. We could buy a home. Have a family. Have a future, together.

I was pushed to the floor. The crowd screamed, people were running away in every direction. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. I had finally married the love of my life. I turned to see them lying on the floor among the fallen confetti. A single bullethole in their head, blood trickling down their face.

I crawled over as best I could. "Help" People kept trampling over me in a desperate attempt to run to safety. "Someone help them" I finally reached them, after all this time. I reached forward to do something. Anything. "Somebody help me". But what could I do? There was nothing I could do. And so I sat there, cradling their hand to my chest. How could I ever be ok again? I just sat there.

A paramedic soon walked up to me and crouched down. "Do you have any injuries?" they asked. I looked down at the blood smeared all over her face, blood coated my fingers.

"I do".

------

The lawyer sat in front of me. I can’t remember her name. She’s wearing a black form-fitting pantsuit. She’s explaining a lot of legal things that I can barely understand. “I know this is a difficult time but this is important, are you listening?” No. How can I pay attention to this woman that I barely know right now. How can I be ok right now?

“You are the deceased's next of kin, so all of their belongings will be given to you." Deceased. One second we're getting married, about to spend the rest of our lives together. And now. That's all they are, deceased. "They had some savings in a bank account, the sum will be transferred to your name, approximately $20,000". She says it with optimism, like 20 grand will make up for this. Like $20,000 can somehow fix everything. It can't.

-----

"Darling, these are the boxes from their old bedroom. There's some books, photos, random things that they couldn't bring themselves to throw away." My mother-in-law, if I could even call her that now. She was always so kind to me, she somehow still is even after everything that's happened. "I'll just set it here then, by the door. Remember, if you need anything, just call darling."

-----

It's been weeks, alone. I finally open the box by the door. It's completely full. Filled with memories, dreams of a future life together.

I sift through reminders of them. Of a life that could have been. I find a small black notebook that I've never seen before. Inside I find a list of adoption agencies. We had always dreamed of a family, of a life together. They always said that they wanted to adopt a kid, to give them a new life, with us.

---

It's been 2 years since our wedding. 2 years since they died. 2 years that I've spent alone. Almost two years since I decided to call one of those adoption agencies.

2 years later and $20,000 poorer, I'm waiting at the airport for my new baby. I look around, anxious, excited, nervous. I feel like I might throw up, that would be a bad first impression. I see someone walk towards me, they're holding a bundle of blankets gently in their arms. "Hi, you're the new parent, right? It's nice to finally meet you!" I peer down into the blankets, she's wearing an adorable pink onesie. I reach out to stroke her face and she grabs hold of my hand, how will I ever be ok again? "It's nice to meet you too". "Are you excited for your new life? Do you have everything prepared?"

"I do".