A Letter to my Therapist…

" To my therapist…

I’m sorry. I know it’s been too long now for this email to really mean anything… or, maybe I’m just being hard on myself… either is equally likely if I’m being honest, but I’m sorry just the same.

I missed your call. You had set aside time for me and I failed to make my appointment. Those days are, admittedly, very foggy. I was on so much medication… I was in pain… I just wanted to die but no one would let me, and my son… he looks just like him.. he hugs… just like him… he is everything that he was and more… I hadn’t touched him in days and at 10:00 am I found myself curled up in the lounge chair with my son sleeping peacefully in my arms. I cried… the house full of people. Some of them friend, some of them strangers sent from my church, all of them here to help this poor broken woman... Me. All of them are l praying that I… that they… have the strength to see me through this darkness… I feel so broken, knowing they all see me holding that little boy for the first time in days… they see tears quietly pouring down my cheeks. They saw and they held their breath collectively. I imagine I could have heard a pin drop, as they say, if I wasn’t deaf. I just held him and sobbed, I could feel their eyes on me, I could feel the tension in the room relax a little as we all felt hope for the first time since I got the news. I was going to be ok. I didn’t know how or how long it would take to get there.. but I would be ok… I fell asleep there. I woke up hours later under a blanket, the sun was down, my boyfriend and our children watching something on TV. My son tearing books off the bookshelf, my boyfriend doing his best to protect our son from himself. I giggle... SHIT!! I missed my appointment! Oh well.. I’ll email you in the morning. Ugh! I hate myself for being so doped up that I can’t manage to keep a single appointment. I’ll email you in the morning. Right now I’m going to be here. I’m gonna be here with the people who love me enough to fight beside me in this darkness.. to just let me be broken…

Morning came and I got up, had my breakfast (in truth, it was just a boost and a coffee), and I took those pills. I grab my iPad and I begin to write an email to you... but... I fell asleep. I woke up under a blanket, my iPad placed neatly on the shelf beside me. M is here. Thank god for her. I HATE these drugs!! Again, I had forgotten the email. That went on for some time.. and the more time that passed the more I dreaded that email. Admitting my shortcomings?… not now... I’m such a mess... I don’t want to acknowledge that I am overwhelmed, that I can’t do this, to another human being. Not now, I’ll get myself off these mood suppression drugs.. then I’ll send you that email. I promise

Well, I’ve been off those meds for 2 weeks now. I’m still miserable. But I suppose you knew I would be. I need you. I’ve needed you all along. But I can’t be seen this way. I can’t be this broken. I need you… but I’m not ready. I’m sorry. I just hope you’re still available when I email you. I know I will email you eventually. My brother’s ashes are coming this week. I can’t breathe… I just want this to be over. I want my brother. I’d email you today but… what if you email me back. Can I talk about my brother now? No.. not until his ashes are here at least. When his ashes arrive… I will email you. When his ashes arrive, I’ll be ready.

I didn’t, I wasn’t… the ashes came and I shut down… I barely ate, barely slept, barely spoke… I just sat there, his ashes in front of me.. staring at them in horror and disbelief. I was just speaking to him… he was right there! whenever I wanted… he was there. Where is he now? Is he here with me? Is he with our mother? Can he be with all of us at once? Or is he nowhere at all? Where is my brother? When I sleep I dream of water, I dream of him in the cold dark swirling water. I see his hand reaching out to me. I see his face, his eyes, full of fear. I reach out to him. But I can’t reach him. He sinks slowly away. I wake up in my boyfriend's arms again… I cry… I slip away when my boyfriend falls asleep and I sit on that chair in the listening room. I sit there and stare into the middle distance, waiting for the sun to rise again. Another day without my brother… another night I couldn’t save him.

I’ll email you in the morning. I promise. I need you… I need your help. I just hope you have room for me. I’m ready now. Good night D. You’ll be hearing from me in the morning. I know I won’t let myself down this time. Because I don’t want to get over this… I want to be able to live without these drugs. I want to feel things. but I want to feel them and be safe. So I need you to guide me. I may not be able to go off my meds completely… but I want to at least be capable of feeling pain without closing myself up in a dark little box. I want to live now. I want to be more than a woman who takes meds so she can put one foot in front of the other and exist just well enough to keep life floating along. I want to be whole. I need you to teach me what I need to know so that I can. I’m ready for this. I’m

afraid and I feel vulnerable… exposed. Everyone knows I’m broken. I want to be happy again D.

To be continued…