A Letter To My Mom That I Lost To Covid-19

Mom, How are you doing on the other side of the universe?

Which I believe you are in a place call heaven now. A place where there is no pain and suffering. A place where there is only joy, with dad by your side, whom he had been waiting for you for the past 15 years.

I hadn’t had the chance to ‘send’ you off nicely at your final moment on earth. How I wish could dress you up elegantly and put your favorite powder on your face, comb your hair neatly as you always like.

I wish you could leave in a more peaceful manner at home with all of us by your side. Then I would have fewer regrets and guilts. I knew that to you no place is better than home, no matter how luxurious that care center is.

I wish that I had pushed both brothers harder, to convince them to bring you back home, after you tested negative for the first time at the very beginning of the outbreak in the care center. However, this was hindered by many factors beyond my power in reality.

It broke my heart when I dreamed of you telling me it was painful before your last moment in the hospital. Now I understand why the doctor told me you tried to pull off the oxygen tank tube, you must have had felt the great pain in your lungs! Oh my God!

I could have been more sensitive to your grumblings and some unusual body language during the last month of your passing. You probably sensed that you could be leaving us soon. You wanted desperately wanted to come back home, but you didn’t tell me due to your pride.

Your annoyed and disappointed face told me you thought I came to take you home by dressing up so elegantly or at least bring you back home for a visit. I was sorry that I couldn’t do this because of the policy by the center meant to protect you at the height of Covid-19.

I was overly confident that you would be safe from Covid-19 after we had done all the things we could to protect you, including your vaccination and other measures. We couldn’t believe it when you were positive on the second PCR test! Apparently, we were too naive on this new emerging super infectious Delta variant, which was barely known by then!

Mom, I want to tell you I still love you so much, despite your shortcomings. We are all only human. What's more, you are in your 90s when dementia already kicks in. This love felt so strongly ever after your unexpected passing in such a 'distasteful' manner. I hope that your happy moments in the care center for 9 months were part of a wonderful memory in your life.

Please forgive me for anything that I had not done up to your expectations. I knew that when you leave us one day, I would be very sad. It's just that I never expect it to be this soon and in such a manner!

In fact, when you were in the hospital, I was contemplating some plans for bringing you back home to stay after you recovered. I wish I could be financially strong to let you stay with me if both brothers felt they could not care for you properly. Unfortunately, this came too late!

Mom, I had been always by your side during your 'dangerous' moment when we were about to lose you, but not this time during this pandemic where even doctors also couldn't help much!

The fact that I went to see you every day by bringing your favorite food, and ensuring all your needs were met offers me some comfort. I knew that you always feel proud of this when no other residents' children were doing this. Your happy face when you saw me always warmed my heart.

Mom, my dream of you together with dad at least gave me some relief and peace of mind. I hope that whatever we had done thus far will compensate for the regrets that we have. You are the queen that will live in my heart forever.

Lots of love,

Your youngest daughter

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