A letter for my wife

Hey babe it’s me, just checking in on you before you check in on me. I just wanted to let you how wonderful you are to me. How wonderful you were to me, I know our marriage wasn’t perfect. To me that was ok because I’d rather been imperfect and known it was perfect, known that two strangers who said the words I do; that we stood through our vows. To know I took on the responsibilities of a blended family, to you moving across the country to see me, marry; picked your whole life to be with me.

I remember the rockiness in the beginning now all I can do is laugh at it. Man what I wouldn’t do to go back there, to be able to put my hands through; that long thick and curly long hair. To go back to the late night conversations that sadly fell off. To hearing your country holler looooouiiie!! And me saying stop that ain’t my name. Even though it frustrated deep down inside it didn’t bother me, because you would just bust out in laughter. That laughter brought me a secret happiness, every time my God how I wish I could hear you laugh one more time.

Skipping forward things were getting better our lives and everything in between was getting better we were in year three heading into year for, when unexpectedly we were hit with a serious disease. Acute myeloid leukemia snuck in but you, kept your faith from beginning to end. The long nights with hospital stays, rough mornings with doctors visits every other day. I would never take those memories away. I remember you calling crying your eyes out.

I was like baby what’s wrong, you said the chemo started making your hair fall out. You asked if I had my clippers and I said yes, you said come on and shave it off. I had to chuckle a bit because we would always talk about what you’d do if I ever cut your hair. You’d say the Lord will strike me if I dared, and we would laugh remember? But on that cold day in November there was no laughing. It hurt me with every stroke I made and seeing that beautiful hair fall, to the floor it broke my soul a little bit more.

I remember you turning around to me with your eyes Soo wide and said it’s ok babe. I had to hold back my tears that day. Just like I do everyday. The funny thing from that day was when you said my head looks better, bald than yours. I was like oh it’s on. But to remember seeing you sleep on your belly Soo peacefully, I had to take a picture because it would last longer even forever.

December you hit remission, went out to eat some Dominican food to celebrate. Just after the holidays you had a fever and we had to rush to the ER. Two weeks we spent back in the hospital. Nothing numbed me more when your numbers were still low. It took me a minute to see that you just needed to be held, that this sickness was driving you crazy; because you couldn’t be home with the kids. Your babies.

I prayed that night for God to raise your levels so you could come home. Two days later you were calling me saying it’s time to fly this coop. We went home a few days later when you were strong enough we made love. I never would had thought that would ever be the last time I’d make love to you. A week later when getting ready to do your second round our second round of consolidated chemo. We got the word the cancer was back, I lost my breath when you started to cry.

I thought it was a good thing with the numbers till you said no, the high number is how much percent of the cancer is back. My soul sank just a little bit more. However you still believed our God was stronger than the cancer which was and still is. Two and a half months later at 7:30 pm I got a call that you had crashe code blue was called. They said they weren’t sure you were going to make it. They told me to hang on. By that time I already tore the room apart, looking for something to through on.

At 8:30 pm they said how soon can you get here cause she’s not going to make it through the night. I grabbed your best friend and we took off. I had to FaceTime you for almost 2hours. Half way there you stopped breathing hard and looked at me said I love you and everything is going to be ok.

After that you spoke no more. When we finally reached the hospital the docs said, everything we did was irreversible and with the medicine you had hours without the medicine just minutes. After everyone called to say their goodbyes and I love you’s the next thirty minutes was spent making sure you were comfortable. You would squeeze my hand every time I asked. You would breath one more time every time I said breath. When the machine stopped giving medicine to you. I prayed to God that he’d spare you, but God needed my Angel his Angel back home.

At 11:57pm on April 4,2020 or as they put it 12:01am April 5,2020 you took your last breath. As I sat there watching and holding your hand I felt your spirit leave your body. I shouted baabe breath again, baabe squeeze my hand and nothing came. I balled my eyes out me and Tania. I raised your bed and laid you flat. I removed what I could so you could be comfortable. I kissed your face all over, the hardest was to kiss your lips and not feel you kiss back. What broke me more was you had a single tear paused in the corner of your right eye.

Nothing was more harder than saying bye and leaving you there. Not the walk down the hall with your belongings. Not the two hour drive home. It was getting home to four heart broken kids. I lost my love and my life but they lost you their mother and their world. Nothing is harder than getting through the rest of life with you in or by my side. Over a year later I still cry because you’re not by my side.

With all my heart I love you. With all of my soul I miss you. Till we meet again my love keep watch over us.

Love forever

Your husband Marcus aka Louie to you.