A Headache, Pain Killers, Surgery... and then drama...

This week has been really hard.

My oldest ended up in the ER last weekend due to severe ear pain. He had an ear infection. I updated his father and let him know that we would need to come up with a joint plan for medication transfer. His father informed me that I would have to give him access to my mailbox/property. I said no.

Sunday was a busy day with two sick kids and doing some Christmas fun - knowing that I wouldn't be much fun for them over the next couple of weeks while recovering from surgery.

Monday was a busy day and their appointments ended up getting canceled due to the weather affecting my drive time. It was upsetting for both the kids and for me. It was more upsetting when their dad decided (again) that I was the only parent who was to share joint information and I had to piece together that he had his appointment going over our son's autism evaluation the same day when he accused me of being difficult for not telling him which appointment was canceled (our children only had counseling that I was aware of and that left me confused and worried that I had forgotten to write something down - once again, my ex had directly caused me anxiety and then accused me of being the problem).

Tuesday was a rescheduling day as the weather interfered with everyone's plans. Yet, I was once again informed by my coparent that I wasn't allowed equal decision making in regards to our children's evening plans or safety. It left me exhausted and tearful because I don't want to accept the fact that my ex continues to use our children as pawns in what he calls a "game" that he wants to win. I simply want to have our children safe, healthy, and happy. But, I suppose that causing immense distress to their primary caregiver is more important in his "game" than putting their needs first? I do not understand it - people could never be that cruel, right? It gives me a headache trying to understand it... and then makes me want to admit that I am the problem. Afterall, I am the one who stayed and had kids with a man who physically, emotionally, and financially abused me for years. Afterall, I am the one who believed in the hope that without continued direct access to me, that he wouldn't switch to using our children to continue the pattern of abuse. I hoped that he would put them first, as we had both promised to do... I was obviously delusional in that hope.

Wednesday I struggled to get things done and accept that surgery was happening. It was the best option for my children's continued stability. But, I didn't want it. I somehow knew it would go badly...

Thursday was the surgery. I was given the maximum dose of medication as the doctor continued informing me that I couldn't feel what he was doing. My boyfriend held my hand as the whimpers came out as I felt the cauterization and every single stitch happen. I bit my finger to try to keep the screams to stay inside. I almost broke the skin on my finger from biting so hard... all while the doctor kept telling me that I couldn't feel anything. For those who wonder how I could continue living with a 300+lb man slamming me around - know this: I have an insanely high pain tolerance until I hit the limit. How many of you could force your body to stay still with 20-ish stitches placed in your back? Feeling the jab of the needle, the string sliding through the new wound, the jab through the other side, more string sliding through the wound as it get yanked together and tied... then repeat the process...

On Thursday, my coparent continued to withhold necessary communication. But, I was thankfully well drugged (thanks to an amazing primary care doctor who knew that I would need something more than Tylenol!) and almost didn't care that my rights were yet again stomped all over by my coparent as he ignored most of his parental responsibilities.

Then today happened. I got a phone call from the hospital that my ex had told them that I was withholding our child's antibiotic. You know, the one that he had all week to communicate a plan for... that I had just spent several minutes trying to figure out a compromise with him on. He demanded access to my property or that I had to send it with our child. My boyfriend was at work. I am recovering from surgery. My mother is here, but is completely blind at night. And only my ex's needs were important. I let the nurse know that I offered to have my ex grab it from my mom in the morning, you know, so that she could see. I also got really upset when the nurse said that it was a shame that the hospital had to get involved in this. I agree that it is a shame, but after months of the hospital putting pressure on me, a disabled woman to communicate better with my abuser, I reject the implication that this is on me. She said that she wasn't taking sides, but honestly? If you aren't taking sides when abuse is occuring and you are a professional whose job it is to protect vulnerable people? Then you are siding with the abuser. My ex was informed to plan with me for picking up the prescription in the morning from my mom. I am exhausted, in pain, and crying because... well... this is my life.

The life that my ex mocked today because "sure... I have a life that allows me to constantly text him for answers... while he has a full time real job..."

The life where my needs and wants are put on the back burner to prioritize our children.

The life where our children's relationship with their dad is used to mock my autistic traits, berate my attempts to follow medical guidance for consistency in our children's best needs, and then accuse me of having "uncontrolled anxiety" as well as being the entire reason our children struggle.

This is my life. And I cannot reframe it into a positive way beyond this statement: I am an excellent mother who continues to make sacrifices for her children while the majority of professionals continue to fail her in terms of safe support.