A Child's Secret

I always liked thunderstorms. I counted the loud unexpected booms and cracks late into the night. 1….2…3… I still heard the yelling downstairs. 4…5….6. They could easily outlast even the longest storms. Soon enough the counting stopped distracting me and I crawl out of bed and press my ear to the door. I don’t know what a chat message is, or why my dad is mad about it. But I strain to hear more. Yesterday was about something called a Visa, today I finally understand its about the new computer. I almost never get a turn but when I do it’s always fun to press the little squares until the mines blow up. I should tell him how fun the computer is, and he shouldn’t be so mad. But I jump as the bathroom door slams and I hear crying. 7….8….9. I’m afraid when the pounding on the bathroom door starts, and the counting still isn’t working.

I crawl my way toward the corner and feel my way along the floor planks until the loose one slides. I pull it up and reach down. I can feel the smooth cover of my little black notebook under my finger tips right away. It’s always here. My grandpa gave it to me last year for my 8th birthday. It’s my most favorite thing I ever got.“You could go anywhere in your stories” he whispered to me as I ripped open the paper. He pushed back my bangs and kissing my forehead he said “and you’ll have a famous signature some day.”

I wish he was still here.

It’s easy to decide where to go, as long as it’s not here. My character Lily goes on amazing adventures. Every day during lunch I go to the library to read about new places she can go. I never knew there were mountains in the ocean or quick sand in California! The librarian Ms. Phelan always has new books in the corner for me.

My pen moves quickly and suddenly Lily is in Paris and I can’t hear the screaming anymore.

“You missed the BUS!” The door flies open. I fell asleep on the floor again. Mom is really mad. “Let’s go, I guess I’m driving you.” And just like that she is gone. I scramble to find clothes but the drawers are empty. I always set my alarm. I always set my alarm- the words are ringing in my head. But I’m still not dressed as she yells up the stairs that she’s waiting in the car. I pull on something from the the floor and run down. Where are my shoes? I’m sifting through the toys, magazines, and trash on the living room floor but I can’t find them. Where are my shoes? The car horn starts blaring and my heart is thumping. My friend’s mom told us a story about a little drummer boy, and my chest feels like the bumps from her story. I move to the kitchen but there’s even more junk than I remember yesterday. I see the sparkle of my lace and dig them out of the pile. As I tie the last knot I remember my notebook on the floor upstairs.

I scramble to my room and just as I’m tucking the black slick cover into the hole I feel her fingers grab my hair.“What did you do to my floor?” She yanks me backwards by my ponytail, my back hits the wall.

I’m never having long hair when I grow up.

“My wood floors, what are you thinking?” Her face is inches from mine, her eyes are the most beautiful blue I’ve ever seen, I don’t understand why something so beautiful makes me so afraid. I’m trying to get the words out but my mouth wont move. Her hand raises and all the sudden the words blurt out before I realize the mistake I made.“ITS FOR MY NOTEBOOK!” She holds it up shaking it in front of my face. “This? This?” It takes all of my strength not to grab it. I don’t want her fingers touching it.

“Let’s go.” She grabs my shirt and we’re headed down the stairs. I jump into the back of the car and close the door quickly behind me. She can’t touch me. She slides into the front seat tossing the notebook on the seat next to her in one motion.The whole drive, I watch my notebook. 1…..2…..3….4 stop signs jerk the car to a holt each time. I want to grab it but I sit on my hands so I won’t move.

The car pulls around the drop off circle. I open my door but she’s already there grabbing my back pack strap and pulling me upwards. I can see the notebook in her other hand. As we rush toward the door she effortlessly in one flick of her wrist tosses the notebook into the trash can as she pulls the door open and pushes me inside.

1…2…3… steps into the building. I want to turn around but I can feel her standing there. I won’t look back. 4…5…6 I quicken my steps, the front hall is empty so I know that I am late.

It’s gone. And it’s all my fault.

“You just missed snack” says Mr. Aims when I scramble into my desk. I love my desk. Every pencil, every paper in it’s perfect place. “Do you want to have something quick before we go out to P.E?” I open my backpack and pretend I am looking for some crackers or an apple like the rest of the kids usually have, but I already know nothing is there. “I’m OK, I’m not hungry right now.” I tell him as I zip it back up and place it on my chair.

“Then let’s line up.” He says skeptically. I slip to the back of the line and all of the sudden I’m just like everyone else, except the growl of my stomach.

Passing through the hall, guidance counselor Mrs. Larren stops Mr. Aims. “Can I borrow Darcy?” And the next thing I know the rest of the line is moving toward the gym and I’m slipping quietly into the chair of her office. “Hi Darcy, did we forget to brush our hair this morning?” She smiles at me as she heads to her file cabinets and pulls out a comb. “Can I help?” She adds leaning down next to me. I nod and she moves behind me. Its a struggle to get my hair tie out. She gently and slowly pulls at the knots. Even though it hurts, her fingers feel soft and delicate, I like it.

When she sits behind her desk my stomach starts to hurt. I quietly start to pick my fingers in my lap- I’m not hungry anymore, I’m nervous.

“Darcy, I…” she stops. Her back straightens and she continues. “Is everything Ok?” I realize I messed up. “Am I in trouble? Mr. Aims says I have all of my As and I only missed one homework,I found it later in my backpack, I was too afraid to tell him.” I’m babbling. “No sweetheart, we know you are very smart and a wonderful student. Are you happy when you go home?” Her eyes slip down to my fingers and I quickly sit on my hands. “Yes, please don’t call my house.” I can see my dad’s red face and the big vein in his forehead that pops when he’s yelling. “Mom told me to brush my hair, I just didn’t want to, everything is fine.” I can hear her breathe out loud. “Well before I send you back to class, is there someone you want to call? Anyone at all?” My nervous is now confused “I’m allowed to use the phone?” She turns her black phone toward me and holds the receiver out. I stand to reach, the cord is short.“Hello?”

“Aunt Jen” is all I can manage to stammer. “Darcy, what number is this, where are you, is everything ok?” “Yes, uhm yes.” Stop repeating yourself. “I just miss you.” “Peanut I miss you too, but you know your dad won’t let me see you. I don’t know what to do anymore, I need to call them again and straighten this out.” I can feel my face get cold as I start to panic. “No!..I um, I’m so happy you planned a trip! I can’t wait to see you! Don’t forget our photo book.” I try to hang up the receiver but my hand is so sweaty its fumbling. Mrs. Larren slides it effortlessly into the cradle and sits back.“Your aunt is coming for a visit?” Her eyebrow raises. “Yes it’s all planned. Today is the little push carts in P.E, is it ok if I leave now?” Her pause is long. I can hear the clock ticking on the wall behind me, 1…2…3… but finally she stands. “Yes of course.”

I lay low for the next couple of weeks. I set the clock alarm next to my bed every night, and I brush my hair before the bus comes. There hasn’t been any thunderstorms but I don’t dare get out of bed. I pick my fingers under the covers one at a time, until I get to 10 and start over again. When it gets loud downstairs I think about Lily and where she might be tonight.

The next time I am called to Mrs. Larren’s office Ms. Phelan is sitting in the chair. “Darcy, sit down, everything is ok.” I sit beside Ms. Phelan and remind myself to keep breathing, 1 in, 1 out, 2 in, 2 out. Ms. Phelan reaches into her canvas bag and pulls out my little black notebook. She slides it across the desk and I stand up to grab it. “I saw you come in a few weeks ago,” she starts “When the station wagon pulled away I took the notebook from the trash can and decided to take a look at it.” Again she reaches into her bag and this time pulls out an envelope. I stare at it without moving until she says, “Go ahead.” I open the envelope and inside is dollar after dollar. I have never seen so much. “What is this?” My heart is pounding like the drummer boy. “I entered your notebook into the state children’s fictional story competition. First prize was $20,000 dollars.” My fingers stroke my notebook and I can’t swallow the lump in my throat. “We’ve all been watching Darcy, and we know what’s going on.” I can’t stop the warm tears from sliding down my cheeks. I did everything right, I don’t understand how they know. “I called your Aunt and she’s meeting you at the bus station. It’s going to be a very long ride, can you do it?” My words somehow squeak out “What do I do when I get there?” “We’re all working on this. We’ve made some calls, and she is going to have attorney fees, so give her the envelope as soon as you get there. And don’t let anyone else see it. Do you understand?” I nod my head and slip the envelope into my notebook.

The bus ride is long, but Mrs. Larren filled my backpack with a sandwich and fruit, that was the last time I saw her. Just as I’m wondering what an attorney is, I fall asleep.

When the bus stops my eyes open. I cant tell if it’s morning or night, but I make my way off the steps of the bus. Instantly I see her green frilly coat. I used to call her the cabbage. She pulls me into a tight hug and we stand there crying softly together. I don’t know how long we stand there because for the first time in a long time, I’m not counting.