A Child is Not a Pawn

What happens to a person's ability to have healthy relationships as an adult, when, growing up, they were not treated properly by their family?

Growing up, I was not an easy child to deal with. My dad had an awful temper and lacked patience of any kind. He worked midnights, so we very rarely saw him other than for dinner. And we didn't see him on Thursdays because he would sleep all day, go bowling, then go to work. My mom did her best to keep the house running smoothly even though my dad was never home. When my dad was home, we never stayed at home. We were always going to the store, the park, the bowling alley, etc. My mom never wanted to do any of that. She would do her grocery shopping once a week and that was it.

Once my parents divorced, my life became miserable. I did everything I could to have a relationship with my dad. But of course, he wanted a son, and I am not that, so the relationship was strained from the day I was born. I tried to play sports. I was in band. I was in drama club. I was in writing club. I got awards for these clubs, and my band accomplishments. But still nothing was good enough for him. He always found a way to tear me down.

My mom got the backlash from it. She was very strict; no fun at all. She didn't like any of my friends. I wasn't allowed to date. I wasn't allowed to have sleepovers at friends houses. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends at the mall, or the park. Hell, if it wasn't on my street, I wasn't allowed to go to friends' houses! I became a tyrant! I hated living with her. We fought all the time. We got into screaming matches regularly. I ran away from home more times than I can count. She lied to people, saying that I was dangerous and that she was afraid I would hurt her.

I was hospitalized twice in one year in a children's mental health unit because my mom didn't understand me, and wouldn't let me explain my thinking on things when we disagreed. After that, I got tossed back and forth between my parents. After a year of dealing with me, my mom would send me to live with my dad because she couldn't handle me anymore. Then after a year or so, my dad would send me back to live with my mom for the same reason. My dad was more lenient with hanging out with friends, going to school, and just being a kid. But my mom would get in his head and make me sound like a terrible person and I would get sent back to her, just for us to fight constantly because she didn't understand me.

Yes, I had anger issues. But who wouldn't have anger issues when their parents passed them back and forth when they didn't want to deal with you anymore? I was like a broken toy that was being given to the other person to try to fix. The more I got tossed back and forth, the angrier I got, and the more I let my mouth get the better of me. At one point, I thought about throwing my sister down the stairs (she was an adult) because she slapped me across the face for saying something mean to my mom.

I've come to realize that my family is the reason I have been this way since becoming an adult. I do not know how to have a healthy relationship with anyone- friend or intimate. My entire life, I was pawned off onto somebody else when things got difficult, so that is what I do with everyone I encounter now. I am 32 years old and have had many 'relationships' over the years. I am currently in the longest relationship I've ever been in- 6 years. I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to run though.

Every relationship I've ever been in has lasted a month or two. The moment we get in an argument or disagree on something, I shut down. I don't know how to act or think or talk and just wait for them to push me away and be done with me like the broken toy my parents created and couldn't fix. If my own family didn't want me, then why would anyone else want me?

I do this with friendships as well. Again, I am 32 years old, and I have never had any real friends. I wasn't allowed to have friends when I was growing up. They were never good enough. My mom always found something wrong with them. So I never got the real friendship experience. And now that I'm an adult, I still don't know how to be a friend.

The moment I have a disagreement with a friend, I just want to give up. We have differing opinions on something, so why would they want to be friends with me anymore? Why should I invest my whole self into a relationship and friendship when I know that soon it's going to be gone because I'm broken and not worth anybody's time? Why can't anybody see that, while I'm not perfect, I am me? I'm a caring, giving, funny, dorky, smart person.

All I ever do is push everyone away because if I don't do it, they will. I'm a hard person to deal with. I have my thoughts and opinions, and I will stand my ground on my beliefs. But I do have a brain, and a heart, and I am capable of having a conversation with you to talk out our differences. Maybe you can shed light on something that I hadn't thought about before. Maybe I can get you to see something differently?

I have wasted so much of my life pushing everybody away because I felt that it was going to happen. And maybe it would have still happened even if I wasn't the one to push people away. I am not the type of person who wants every person in the world to like me. That is so unrealistic. I am quite happy with the few friends that I do have. But can you imagine how different my life could be right now if my family had shown me that when there is a problem, people find a solution to fix it instead of just throwing it away?

I am very lucky these days. I have an amazing husband who hasn't thrown me away and doesn't want to throw me away. We've been together for six years and as much as I have wanted to run throughout the last 6 years, I have stayed and fought for what we have because I know I am worthy of love and affection, and he gives me that. He understands that I'm not easy to deal with, and sometimes he wants to strangle me because we won't stop arguing. But he hasn't given up on me yet. And he won't. Every person deserves to be fought for.

I am also very lucky because I now have a few friends that treat me like a person is supposed to be treated. They include me in their activities. They actually spend time with me, and we go places. I visit them at work (since I no longer work with them). If we disagree on something we have a conversation about it. Sometimes we can't come to an agreement on a subject, and that's okay. We let go of the subject and continue on with our day. We don't let it tear us apart. Nobody is going to agree 100% with somebody else. My friends know my beliefs, and the pop culture things I like. They know I'm a mother and a wife. They know that I can't do everything with them that they want to do. But that doesn't stop them from trying to include me. I disappear for days on end because my anxiety gets the better of me. In my head I think, 'oh, they'll forget about me in a few days and then I'll be on my own again', and I'm okay with it because that's how my entire life has been. But I've known them for a year now, and I have yet to push them away, and they have yet to forget about me.

Adults are obviously a product of their childhood. I didn't put two and two together until I turned 32. Don't push your child away. Show your child that you are supposed to help them figure out this world. Show your child love and compassion. Then, maybe, your child will grow up to do amazing things.