A Bright Existence

A good deed, or an act of kindness, is not always perceived as a positive event; sometimes, it can entail a painful experience. I was the recipient of such kindness, and it took me nine years to understand it.

I became the caretaker for my baby sister, Jazmin, in 2012. It was the year our parents separated; our mom became a single parent with no support system. I was a senior in high school, and because of this life-changing event, I could not attend an out of state college. The first few years were fine; I didn't mind taking the bus from our home to the daycare to the community college. But as the years went by, a burnt-out began to creep in. I became sad and lethargic, but I didn't understand the extent of my suffering. I was a prisoner to the circumstances. My captors were my father, who, in my mind, had abandoned us and left me with parent duties. My mother, for not alleviating me of this responsibly, and my sister, because she existed.

I blamed my inability to finish the associate of arts degree on the time-consuming nature of being Jazmin's caretaker. I was tired. Tired of taking care of my sister like a full-time job. Tired of my absent father, who never took responsibly for his child. Tired of my mother not allowing my father to take responsibility for Jazmin because she did not trust him. I was so tired but didn't understand what extent; I simply knew I wasn't okay. I tried self-help videos, with some good results, because I wanted to be okay. Some months were better than others. Some months more stable than others. Through this turmoil, I had this little life depending on me to love and look after her. I couldn't do it. I couldn't commit to loving her and caring for her because she was a shackle. I felt horrible and hated myself.

It wasn't until quarantine that I understood how burnt out, tired, and depressed I was. Most people in my position would hire a psychologist, but it wasn't what I needed. I remembered youtube videos of a spiritual teacher that I liked, but I never practiced her teachings until then. With her guidance, I had a better understanding of myself, the universe, and a truth: our outside world reflects our inside universe. I internalized this and observed my life. I wondered why I felt like a prisoner. I wondered why I felt obligated to look after my sister. I wondered why I was even looking after her when she wasn't my responsibility. I wondered why I never wanted to play or be with her, but she felt like the safest person to be around. I wondered why I wanted to leave; why I wanted to stay, and the most important question of all: what part of me does she reflect?

I understand now the kindness and blessing that being my sister’s caretaker truly is. I began to truly see her, and everything from the past years clicked in place. Because of her, I learned unconditional love and kindness; I learned to express my emotions and to be happy for other people instead of jealous. She taught me how to provide emotional containment because all she truly needed was for me to be present with her. The resentment I felt began to dissipate. I accepted and became grateful for having such a wonderful girl in my life, but all things must come to an end. I have learned these lessons, and I feel like I can move forward with my life. So to her, the sister I love, I say a temporary goodbye and thank you. A thank you for being my teacher. And a thank you for every small act of unconditional love and kindness you have shown me.