21 years

Dad

What can i say it has been 21 years since you left without warning , I told myself i would not fall apart that i could make you proud and be the Dovalina that is in my blood and soul I am sorry that i do not write or visit

I guess for me it is consistent reminder that life was once good and i was had a family which i have shifted into the place of not belonging to them , especially when you aren't here

Sounds stupid looking back but i was the most spoiled with nothing to lose because i was given the world without asking , i was taught that hard work isnt hard if you really want it which i am a go get her so i am pretty sure that is one that stuck

I was always told by you that rome was not build in a day and anything worth having or fighting for is something that you do not give up on or walk away because it got hard or it is not happen your way

Although i was the center of your world you were hard on me when you needed to be and pushed me to be a smart kid thanks for the love of reading and history

I am still learning everyday and i brought me back to almost moving to millville image that , i was there 3 days before i gave up to leave again

I can not explain the feeling of being there but it is not one i like although it felt amazing to stop when i was having a bad day and sit at your grave it has hit me all at once that i stopped writing you

I used to write you everyday , sometimes twice a day

You were truly an great father , and you did what you could to love my crazy mother

You should have pushed her a little more to be stronger because when you died she cracked litlerty

I remember the feeling of let down from god and you when i was told you'd always be there no matter what , god took you so he was on the black out list for taken my dad

As a mother now and going through so crazy shit i smoke weed the one thing i will never forget you and the bike rides to water your plants after i found your garden in your closet … really though laughing in side from the memory of the day i can not forget

I am an a degree holder , i have a mouth and i am still defint i still do not like to be told NO for nothing if a person tells me i can not or will not do something you already should know i do the opposite of what they say tell me i can i will show you i can !!

I have suppressed the feelings that hit like a ton of bricks , for whatever reason i don't understand but since feeling that ton of bricks i have being letting my feeling out without really caring who else knows what i am going through i was told to always be proud of myself

You know looking back although you worked all the time and never got to have a day truly off you made a lot of good memories with me I still wish to say sorry to you for the night i said the terrible words to you. I know now that you were the most important person in my life .

I grew up loving and happy , i turn dark and cold not only when you died but when family became something ugly , I did try and still do but i have learned that keeping my distance with them is best for both parties since i am not the one to be told what should be done , or really told i am not listen … umm I will wait. I have time when do I ever listen to anybody ever ??

I have always been that way you should have beat my ass alot!!!

I say that because I have your grand-daugther who is as sassy and bossy as all can be. I see alot of me in her alot of you . The bossiness she got from you for sure , i am sure you would have spoiled her rotten she is very spoiled and smart too

She is truly the mini me , i am glad she is mine .

I only wish she got to meet you just one time she would have loved you to pieces she has a huge heart and loves everybody she is amazing to me in so many ways

So let's hear the questions you would probably say right now …

Yes was married , no i am not kidding and yes we are getting divorced I had always said getting married for kids was the wrong reason and i was right because love is the reason not for money or kids sake you gotta be happy too i mean you got married to mom WHY lol … she is nuts

My daughter calls her Flo and refuses to call her mom-mom or grandmother. I can change it. I don't really feel like pushing the issue .

I have fallen in love with my best friend Luis his something daddy i know you guys would have definitely gotten along great

This is the missing piece of my heart and soul , i know from the outside i look crazy and not thinking clearly and you know why that is because for once she finally did what she wanted to truly do . Being happy is not hard, staying true to my heart is not either. I can tell you we have gone through some shit together and our start was not the ideal way of falling in love but i know i feel him in my soul more than i felt love before .

BJ and Your sister keep trying to mother me … where were they when i needed a mother … no where so they should not start now , i mean i am sorry to sound like an ass but seriously the time when i needed them i was truly left to stand alone , just me while mom went to get high since you were not around she had to figure it out how to get her fix i remember once we were driving in like a bad part of millville it was late it was the summer before you died and i thought you had somehow ran out of weed but now i know she was the reason you were out looking for her not for weed but crack , like dad come on i would have been like hell no but it was you trying to keep her happy

She was a good mom till you died , then she died too. I was an orphan without even knowing it was happening , but hey it is what it is and i am learning to look at it very differently …

Very little thing i have gone through has molded me to be who i am , i love me fauld and all i am proud of Kelleigh period the good and the bad she is who is is and makes no excuses for it

I am a mouthy still have to have the last word … depending on what or who i am talking to i will usually not think before saying a word , i act on impulse way too much so i have learned to stop and think about whatever i am thinking a few times before jumping the gun ..

I remember we were in the car one day coming from Kmart or the flea market and i was none stop talking in the car how it was unfair that i could not have my way about something , you did not say a word the whole ride home but you stopped out front of the house and told me my mouth was not going to benefit me if i never learned to not speak , something come to those who wait patience is something you will need to learn in life , yeah thanks dad i needed that !!

I am a medical precertification coordinator i love what i do and i am good at it and patience is something i am working on since i lost my cool on the phone in front of patients and the doctor who i respect because they are truly brilliant and i am ashamed of my behavior that day

I was recently asked if as a child i was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD but i don't know i don't ever remember that , but it is working itself out i guess impulse issues are not easily but i am still a work in progress i mean let face it i am you kid right so i am not easily controlled i do feel bad about your mother being sick and i wish we were close but she was never close with me i am going to to sound heartless but i am not reaching out for a family member who never though let me check on Kelleigh Ann see if she is good I am not going to continue to put my heart out there for the wishful thinking of family

NOPE not again especially with BJ she is kinda a control freak i mean i guess her COD and other picking points should have given it away i do love her dearly but i am letting go of people with judgemental hearts and feelings about my life . Bon jov said it best it is my life , its now or never i just wanna live while i'm alive … good music ay man i really am your kid

You always had a love for music and arts cultures , i am the same i love music and all music i mean everything i find it healing or stress relieving art i write poems i paint sometimes i love the museums i am well cultured in life i mean i can say i believe the lesson you told me of all people loving all people is one that i not only carry with me but pass on to Giana she will be well rounded if it is the last thing i do .

You know i remember you always did your best to help others always , you also pushed religion on me but it is okay that is what you knew i on the other hand yes i am proud Catholic and believe but i also have learned that i believe in many religions , i feel like they are all connected to each other they are all aiming to the high believe of somebody or something bigger than oneself so i guess that is why for Giana i don't push it although that girl believes deeply she is connected in a way i don't think i was as a child

So i forgotten how much i love to read , omg i truly forgot how good it felt to read and let my mind expand since leaving my husband i have read 7 almost 8 books , i love being my own person and making my way on my own it is hard and that brings me back to what i was saying living in millville was too much too much pain and memories of my life before i had the rug pulled out from under me . so although i will visit when i can i know that living there is not for me

Honestly living in New Jersey is not where i wanna be , i wanna leave so bad as soon as i can i am , trust me traveling is my life time goal , i wish i got to to go sicily when you went that one time we could have shared that together but i know i will enjoy it when i go

Egypt and Rome Greces is on the list. I have been thinking of how big the planet is and how much I want to see before I die so i gotta get it moving if i plan to make it …

Also Dad you know how bad disney movies are now that i am an adult i am like OMG i should have never let Giana watch half of them … smh i just had to say it i mean come on the princess are all 16 and getting married , Not a good message to send out and what's up with the way they do not have mothers even peter pan his a lost boy living on an island smoking at that …

I wish we did more family vaccatons like baltimore that was fun , I know it was hard for you to balance mom and working , I remember the first time i knew mom was bat shit crazy i was 6 years old she we lived on the second floor on mulberry st and she picked up your bike that you would ride to Buena everyday for work and threw it down at you because she was drinking she still does stupid shit we have gotten into more then a handful of flights but she ment her match because nobody puts their hands on me .

I know you did everything for us and taught me a lot of great things i know that you are with me i know that i should not hold on the pain of missing you but it sucks to cry i hate crying i really dont wanna cry no more it is not good for your eyes and i am not trying look old ..

The raw emotions i have make me sound heartless but for me i have lost too much and be through a lot of crap not all good crap so i don't feel heartless i feel like hey shit happens now let us fix it so this does not happen again or how can we learn from it

SO there is a pandemic going on Covid 19 where a lot of people including me have changed the way we view things. I mean for me it is like this life is a lesson and I have learned that nobody no matter how together it may look it does not always appear as soon on the inside. We all walk our own paths on this journey and it is not all sunshine and rainbows or unicorns it is hard it is ugly but when you find the right match to fit you it will be beautiful it will have sunshine and rainbows still not unicorns , that is why when BJ has her opinion about My love life with Luis i am saying oh well that is your thought but later when she is inviting him to come to a family thing i will remind her how she told me today that he doesn't love me , who does she think she is ?

I know she feels like she knows it all but i recall her never having it together now she is 53 and feels like she knows it all …

Just bugs me like nobody cares until i am happy , yes i know we italians don't get divorced but that can't be true because you married lisa and divorced her , Debbie was married how many times ?? and aunt LoirAnn of all people cheating on her husband the church loving god parsing woman she is … honestly like what is that , to tell me we don't do divorced , I DO ,.... Sorry i sounded bitchy but seriously times are different and i don't wear a dress or cook and clean all day i have a brain and i use it so therefore i dont need any more love advice from those women

Oh and back to religion i also have learned that the people who talk so high of the cathlic or chirstian faith are usually the same people who are doing the worst i say that because i have seen a woman who GOD talks to death who will in the next sentence sin ,

It is a shield they get to hid behind to make themselves feel better about being the very thing that are told to not be , I know Noni was the person in our family like this she was the talker and she was the one who made sure we all got our butts to CCD and bible study but she would be the person telling aunt Patty omg did see peewee today ??

I felt like your mom outcasted me because of my mom which is fine but she should have tried a little bit harder to be a grandmother i mean think of it her son died and left behind her granddaughter Did you know the birthday right after you died she threw my gift in the pouch and drove away not even thinking hey let me say happy birthday in person that is a fact i do not hold no regret for the way i treat her

And with that i say goodnight :)