WOMEN OR MEN DON’T DATE YOU…

WOMEN OR MEN DON’T DATE YOU. They date the fantasy they’ve created of you. They project their perfect partner onto you, whether you fit the mold or not. Sadly, when you stop playing along with the fantasy, when you stop being what Jung called the Animus, then the illusion shatters, and attraction dies.

We wake up from the euphoric dream. Then people withdraw for some time until they find another person upon whom to project this ideal fantasy. This creates a never ending cycle of idealization, disillusionment, and heartache. The unfortunate truth is that most people are in love with a fantasy, rather than the person standing in front of them.

Healthy relationships are one of the 7 Pillars of Health in my system and ironically the one I struggle with the most. With a background in psychology I can help with your relationships, but in my own relationships and friendships I often look behind the curtain of my own mind, or others, and think what’s going on rather than feeling what really is.

In personal relationships, attraction is where we start. One psychology model says there are four stages: Euphoric, Early Attachment, Crisis, and Deep Attachment. Quick news flash — most dating revolves around the Euphoric and Early Attachment phases, faces crisis, and then ends. Oftentimes, people chase the euphoric feeling of love and then run when it becomes difficult or no longer ideal.

Rather than solve this problem in a short article, I’ll dive into what causes it, at least in my opinion. This is what I teach people in my Personalized Health Transformation Program who need to align the relationship aspect of my 7 Pillars.

The Animus is deep within your own mind, the ideal of the gender you wish for as a partner. I’m going to go into a dark place for a moment, and it will offend many who read it, but truth, in my opinion, is more important than deception — or worse, self-deception. There is a reason that a lot of nice guys can’t get a girlfriend and serial killers like Ted Bundy get married while in prison and have dozens of women standing outside the courtroom to see them make an appearance.

IT’S BECAUSE THE MALE ANIMUS IS, AT HEART, KIND OF A JERK.

I’m not saying serial killers are good people or even desired by most women. I am saying that the male animus has the qualities of confidence, charisma, assertiveness, independence, and mystery. Unfortunately for the human race, serial killers have all of those qualities as well. The animus also has the qualities of emotional stability and compassion, both of which will get “tested” all the way through the third stage, Crisis, and emerge — if both partners are sufficiently healthy — into a deep attachment.

The standards of the feminine anima are not any easier to live up to. She is seductive, playful, nurturing, attractive, spontaneous, and very sexual. Try living up to those standards, male or female, and eventually, you will fail. The greatest seducers, IMO, do live up to those standards — at least in appearances. Here is the issue that everyone in a long-term marriage immediately realizes: The ideal of your partner got cracked a long time ago, but somewhere along the way, the bond got deeper.

As long as you keep that ideal partner in your mind — that, according to Jung, is the feminine anima or male animus — you will be dating a mirage, an illusion, and eventually, it will crack and fade. More than likely, you will move on to another mirage or samskara… or, if you’re lucky, both of you will move toward resolution and a deeper connection.

Calling on techniques such as loving communication, reframing, fair fighting rules, and even validation, my program gives you the tools you need to sustain your relationship and reclaim one of the most important of the 7 Pillars of your health.

Get in touch with me if you want to work on this crucial Pillar of Health.

Heal. Align. Thrive. Dr. Sattva