What is it like to be a narcissist?

As someone who exhibits narcissistic traits, I'm choosing to remain anonymous to avoid any potential repercussions. While I haven't been officially diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) – nor would I seek such a diagnosis – two psychologists, including my current one, have referred to me as a "narcissist." As a psychology student, I recognize that this label, unfortunately, seems to fit.

My self-image is inconsistent. At times, I feel grandiose, but it’s not without reason – in many areas, I am objectively above average. To give a clearer perspective, I’ll compare it to my past experiences with serious depression.

When you're depressed, you tend to cherry-pick the worst aspects of yourself and your life, amplifying them until they define you. This view may be somewhat accurate, albeit exaggerated, but you forget about the good.

Now, narcissistic grandiosity feels like the opposite of that. You cherry-pick your best qualities and experiences. When you think of yourself, only your successes and capabilities come to your mind. (Part accurate, part exaggerated)

Now how does being a narcissist feel? I think the feeling i could most strongly attribute to being a narcissist, is the constant need to be important, respected and powerful. If people treat you with just a tiny little bit less respect, than you think you deserve, you get angry. And by angry, I mean internally consumed by rage.

That awful, bitter feeling started in my childhood (obviously). I'll describe the process as well as I can.

So... I used to be a very kind, intelligent, but a bit spirited, and more than a bit aggressive child until my early teens. While I was always in the top quarter of the class, and pretty responsible for my age, there were those times, when I was told off, called cheeky, punished, ect... For most people, this is a normal part of their childhood, but for me, it increasingly felt like being unfair to me, and I couldn't accept that. I resented adults (and I still do) more than anything. Every mistake seemed bigger in their eyes when I made them, than when they did. Swearing, wanting too much, becoming angry, speaking my mind had much more consequences for me, than for them. (I know, this is true for all minor mistakes of children, compared to that of their parents, but still. I couldn't accept. I can't.)

They spotted all my mistakes so well, so I began to spot theirs.

My parents were relatively sensible people, as far as parents go, but they were certainly no angels. They often shouted at each other, swore all the time, and talked to me and each other in a pretty rude way. They smoked. They lied. (Who doesn't?) They didn't always do well in their jobs.

Basically no serious, abusive stuff. But they (and other adults) were of course scandalized, if we, kids did any of that. I always asked them why, and they always reasoned with things like "It's not your house, You live on your parents' money, We know better, You should respect your elders...". And I just felt desperate and powerless. I was too young to work and unqualified anyway. I couldn't grow up instantly, but I often fantasized about that when we'll get older, they would get it all back. They would be dependent on ME! And I would tell them off! I would be the boss. And most of all, I'd be BETTER than them. I'd show them that I've ALWAYS been!

But well, meanwhile I had to get my way somehow. I knew by that time that kindness and logic don't convince everyone, honesty just gets you into trouble, and obedience makes your superiors have even higher expectations towards you. And that is where the narcissist's best friend, manipulation comes into the picture. I had to learn how different kinds of people react to different approaches. To use my words as a means to an end, rather than wearing my heart on my sleeve.

In some situations, i needed to tone my tactless, aggressive personality down. That was pretty difficult, but worth it. I genuinely became more patient because of this little self-control exercise.

In others, I needed to exaggerate my emotions. That came pretty naturally.

And by my late teens, I tended to switch from nice to furious in seconds. (It can baffle people into compliance.)

Guilt-tripping and directing the blame at others came as a family legacy. (Heh.)

All of this for that sweet, sweet feeling of power.

Still, I empathize with other people, and will be benevolent towards them, as long as they at least treat me like an equal. But I'll be hell-bent on humiliating those, who are condescending towards me.

Despite all of this, I think it's possible to channel all these possibly harmful urges into something positive. If you want to be admired and feel powerful, you can deceive yourself and others into thinking that you are, OR you can work towards being actually admired and powerful. That's what I'm trying to do. I used to go to a therapy group, where I realized that helping people gives me a rush of power that is much more satisfying than simple, selfish manipulation. Honestly grateful "admirers" are much better than mislead ones. Thus, I found my place in the field of psychology.

...So that's all. You can be disgusted by me or think I'm a horrible person, but these are the feelings of a certain narcissist. And hey, at least I'm self-aware, and trying to better myself. And wrote this long text for your entertainment.

Relationship with Narcissist

No matter what they are your typical wounded child who never grew up emotionally,their emotional level is stuck at their childhood trauma period with one word the period of abuse.

With all being said no matter how good the source of supply is they will sooner or later get bored since they possess a really low boredom tolerance level.

They tend to hit on victims that possess high levels of Empathy or Empaths,because they are vulnerable and they are easy to be charmed and manipulated.Before the LB-DV-DI process they will start to test the new victim causing drama out of the blue,since drama bring excitement and everything that’s new is exciting.They will cause drama out of the blue and see with how much they are able to walk away,if you leave them walk away with everything that gives them the green light that you possess high levels of empathy and you are a long term source of supply however if you resist their attempts they will discard you early on and move to the next source of supply.They are your typical druggies searching for Fuel aka their fix.If you passed their whole tests the cycle starts.

They follow a predictable relationship pattern of LB-DV-DI.

LB-rising the victim on the pedestal making him her feel special,telling them all the stuff they need to her while they mirror the victim aka shape shifting to the victims character traits or copying the victim,with one word making the victim fall in love with themselves.This is the closest the NPD will ever get to feel love,Idealization aka Love Bombing is a form of infatuation or obsession with their possession in this case the victim,they are obssessed with their new doll or object they want that so bad.

A NPD enters the relationship to fill his/er void pulling all the weight to the shoulders of the victim with one word.They seek for the impossible basically wanting the other people to fix them or fill their emptiness. No matter what others do they will never be able to fill that emptiness because the problem is them not the other people around.After a period of time the void will be back in and they will start to think as maybe the new victim was not special after all since the void is still there,basically the boredom starts to kick in and they will start to Devalue,once the Devalue starts there is no turning back.

Devalue-Basically it can happen gradually or suddenly when they get bored or called on their actions,once they start to devalue they start to groom new sources of supplies switching all their energy and time to someone else since it takes them a lot to manipulate new people,it’s a whole new different challenge especially the people that are careful with sharing their empathy.They will pull back and suddenly switch all the attention from you to someone else.The victim will be left in vain not knowing what happened,what did they do,how it happened etc.

The victim starts to search for answers they will totally or completely ignore the victims attempts further more manipulating the victim