Want to build stronger bonds quickly? Start by asking meaningful questions.

The questions we ask can change how close we feel to others. Sometimes, just one thoughtful question can help us connect with strangers and make bonds stronger between parents and children.

In 2024, researchers at the University of Amsterdam in the Netherlands tested a simple idea: could children feel more loved if their parents asked them 14 special questions?

This study is based on an important idea: children need to feel loved by their parents for their emotional health and happiness. Finding ways to make children feel loved can help families in many ways.

The Roots of the Experiment

Earlier studies with adults showed that asking personal, meaningful questions can make people feel closer. This is called the “fast-friends procedure”, which became famous when a journalist tried it on a date.

In this procedure, two adults ask each other deep questions, like: “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, or the future, what would you want to know?” These questions make people share their feelings and thoughts, helping them trust each other and feel connected.

The method worked well for adults, but researchers wanted to see if it could also help parents and children grow closer.

Adapting the Questions for Families

Eddie Brummelman, a developmental and social psychologist at the University of Amsterdam, along with his team, modified the classic fast-friends questions to make them suitable for children between the ages of 8 and 13. Parents were then encouraged to ask their kids questions such as:

If you could travel anywhere in the world, which country would you like to visit? And why?

What is the strangest thing you’ve ever experienced?

When was the last time you felt lonely? What made you feel that way?

These short conversations lasted only nine minutes. After talking, children filled out a small questionnaire about how loved and supported they felt. The results showed that children felt much more loved after the discussion.

Simple small talk, like asking about a favorite ice cream or movie, did not make children feel more loved.

Power of Meaningful Conversations

Brummelman said some of the parent-child talks were very moving. “I got goosebumps,” he said. Many families discussed things they had never talked about before.

Parents often avoid talking about sad or difficult topics. But these questions helped children and parents share their feelings and fears. Instead of only talking about school or hobbies, they sometimes discussed serious issues, like death.

These conversations helped families focus on what really matters and made their bond stronger.

A Shortcut to Intimacy?

You might have heard about a famous New York Times article that shared 36 questions to help people fall in love. Brummelman says the main point is not the list itself — it’s the idea of asking meaningful questions. These questions can make any relationship closer, not just romantic ones.

The original study, called “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness”, was not about love. It focused on self-disclosure, which means sharing personal thoughts and feelings. Sharing personal information helps people feel closer.

Arthur Aron, the researcher, tested two sets of questions: one set was simple small talk, and the other was deeper, personal questions.

Small Talk vs. Deeper Questions

Pairs of participants were asked to talk for 45 minutes. One group received light, everyday questions such as:

How did you celebrate last Halloween?

Where did you go to high school?

Do you think left-handed people are more creative than right-handed people?

While these were fun and harmless, they didn’t dive into anyone’s inner world.

The other group received more personal and thought-provoking prompts, such as:

What would a perfect day look like for you?

Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

Is there anything too serious to joke about?

If your house was on fire and you could only save one item, what would it be — and why?

These questions helped people share their feelings and fears, making them feel much closer.

The Birth of the Fast-Friends Procedure

After 45 minutes, participants rated how close they felt on a scale of 1 to 7. People with deep questions scored about 4, while small talk scored about 3. This shows that meaningful conversations can create strong connections quickly.

Even seven weeks later, many participants stayed in touch, proving that short, meaningful talks can lead to lasting friendships.

The fast-friends procedure has been tested in many places, including online. Studies show it works whether people talk face-to-face or online.

The Opioid Effect of Connection

Meaningful conversations feel good because they activate the brain’s opioid system. This is the same system that makes people feel happy and connected. Talking about personal thoughts releases endorphins, which make people feel pleasure and closeness.

Animals show similar effects when they play or groom each other. Sharing personal feelings in humans works the same way, making bonds stronger.

Conclusion: Building Bonds Through Meaningful Questions

Asking personal, meaningful questions can make people feel closer in a short time. Whether it’s parents and children, friends, coworkers, or strangers, these conversations create empathy, trust, and understanding.

In today’s world, full of distractions and conflicts, listening carefully and asking the right questions is a simple way to build peace. Every meaningful conversation reminds us that we are more alike than different.

Next time you talk to someone, go beyond small talk. Ask questions that matter. Listen carefully. By doing this, we can create a world full of understanding, connection, and kindness.