The Mysterious Disappearance of Saint Eustace the Unfortunate

An Introduction

People are quick to say that secondary school is the bane of their existence. It's that horrid place, with horrid memories and heartbreaks. It's the place where the ugly and vertically challenged sit at the bottom of the food chain; gazing longingly at the beautiful beings above. And yes, they're right. They couldn't be more accurate. There are countless books, movies, therapy sessions, and tv shows centred around this mysterious place. This hub of horrors, this den of disease, this... well, I suppose you get the picture. What I'm trying to say is, I know it's a bit overdone. Everyone likes to tell their secondary school story. And I'm about to tell you another one, in third person. That's right. I'm not a character in this story, I'm the narrator. You'll never catch me! Don't worry, this isn't going to be the British version of Gossip Girl. That show was overrated anyway. What's going to happen here is that I'm going to walk you through a series of events that changed the history of a very prestigious school. Let me set it up with a bit of context:

1. The Setting

The imaginary school; Saint Eustace's Grammar, in the very real town of High Wycombe, England. We'll get into more detail about poor saint Eustace later. The year is currently 2012; but expect the odd flashback to anywhere from 1994.

2. The Characters

I'll make it simple.

Important Boy: Jack Hardy, head boy, captain of the sporting district (including but not limited to the football field, hockey field, tennis court and basketball court). Fit. Charming. Not very good at spelling. Rich, spoilt, and marginally single. Blue eyed, and blonde haired (though naturally brunette).

Important Girl: Cassandra Green, head girl, captain of the thespian department (the arts and performance department). Stylish, outspoken, talented, secretly introverted; brilliant at spelling, rather useless at sports. Also rich, not as spoilt, but twice as single. Brown eyed, kinky haired (natural since chemical relaxers burned through her sanity).

Everyone Else:

• Jack's friends, to be named when relevant, otherwise known as the "hot heads."
• Jack's groupies, also to be named when relevant.
• Cassandra's friends, the thespians.
• Cassandra's admirer if warranted.
• Teachers.
• The principal.
• Jack's parents, perhaps.
• Cassandra's parents, hopefully.
• The student body of St Eustace's Grammar and boarding school.
• The police, fire brigade and school chaplain, if needed.

Now, before we begin, I suppose I should give you a little bit more context on Saint Eustace:

He is the patron saint against fire; fire prevention; firefighters; hunters; hunting; huntsmen; Madrid? Torture victims, and trappers.

His story is literally the definition of “from bad to worse.” I'll give you the quick version:

• His money was stolen
• His kids were taken away by wolves and lions
• His wife was kidnapped by a sea captain
• After he got reunited with his family, they were all roasted to death inside a bronze statue

Poor Eustace had quite a miserable existence, but he never wavered in his faith. That's probably what drove the founders of the school to name it after him. That, and I suspect all the other big names were taken at the time. In poor Eustace's honour, the school erected a bronze statue of him; which stood proudly at the centre of the majestic fountain just beyond the school gates. It was a welcome sight for anyone encountering it for the first time, however, for those who knew his story, it was rather ironic, humorous even. I mean, who in their right mind would put a statue of someone who was allegedly burned to death in the centre of a continuously flowing body of water? It is truly a mystery. Anyway, do read on, or I fear whatever you read apart from the masterpiece to come will be an utter travesty in companion.

- Sincerely,

The Narrator