The behavior that hurts children most deeply, many parents are doing

There is a saying by the educator Alvin that

Even ordinary children, if educated properly, will become extraordinary people.

However, I found that in real life, many parents do know how to educate but are still dissatisfied with their children in various ways.

Some parents habitually attack and criticize their children, as if they are always inadequate in their eyes.

The more they focus on their children's shortcomings, the more their children will not grow to torrent's satisfaction.

Picky parents

Tend to raise children with low self-esteem

The writer San Mao once wrote to her father complaining that

The greatest sorrow in my life is not to earn the world, but to ask you to appreciate me.

Parents are full of love for their children and are always willing to help them find problems, point out what they are not doing well, what their shortcomings are -

You can get such questions wrong, why are you so stupid?

What will you do when you wake up so late and procrastinate every day?

You have to take the initiative to greet your aunt, why are you so rude ......

Most parents do not think so, but picky, it is easy to raise children with low self-esteem.

A counselor shared the story of a visitor.

The visitor was a girl whose mother was a teacher and was quite strict with her.

Her father, a factory owner, was busy at work and seldom came home, and even if he did, the time they spent together was very limited and awkward.

In her young environment, her mother was always critical and harsh. No matter whether it was study, life, looks, or personality, she could always find children who were better than her in all aspects, and often showed negativity or even dislike.

In the book "Self-Awakening, Giving Children the Best Family of Origin", it is mentioned that

Parents' harshness, hurtful attitudes, prejudices, and unreasonable expectations are internalized in the child's sense of self-esteem thus creating an internal set of anti-ego voices.

The child's feelings about herself are first formed from the mother's mirror image, in which she sees herself as full of flaws and is convinced that she is bad.

She told the counselor, "Although people say I'm okay, I can't see myself.

When she was a student, she served as a class officer, got good grades, and performed well in dealing with others.

As an adult, she met a guy who liked her a lot, but her first reaction was that she was "not good enough".

She said: talk about the conditions of love, for me more realistic, meet a nothing but want to be good to me, than surprise, more than a shock.

The more demanding and conditional the love a child receives from an early age, the lower the child's sense of self-worth will be.

After working, faced with challenging projects, she does not think she is capable of completing them.

In life, whether facing friends or partners, she does not believe that she is worthy of being loved, and she is afraid to take the initiative to give, afraid of not grasping the right proportion, and when conflicts occur with others, her first reaction is her problems, living in fear.

Parents show dissatisfaction, and the child may not refute it, but that does not mean that the blow and hurt will disappear.

These shadows, which will remain throughout the years, are forever fixed in the child's life.

The more critical the parents are, the less motivated the child is

Many parent-child conflicts stem from the parents' lack of appreciation and their habit of picking on their children with adult eyes.

Last week, I went on a camping picnic with my family, and we all sat around a table and grilled a barbecue.

When eating barbecue niece because the side of the bowl is too hot, put it on the table to eat, chopsticks in the meat have not been to her mouth, her father said in a very disgusted tone, in front of the whole family.

Lift the bowl to eat, teenage girls, eating without a look.

This sentence, like a pot of cold water, drowned the child's good mood.

Afterward, my niece came to me and cried.

Everyone eats like this, but me, I can pick out as many problems as my hand raises, really powerless, in the end, what do I have to do they will be satisfied ah?

Parents treat their children badly with words and behaviors that can make children wonder if they are worthless.

In psychoanalytic theory, the personality structure is divided into three layers: the ego, the self, and the superego.

The ego represents primitive impulses, the desires.

The superego, on the other hand, represents the moral sense.

The ego is in the middle of the two, coordinating the conflict.

When our ego has some impulses and desires, the superego will use its moral sense to suppress the ego, thus influencing the ego's behavioral choices.

If an individual is overly blamed and judged by parents, peers, teachers, or other authority figures in early childhood, the superego may develop too much power, resulting in an "abusive superego.

People with an "abusive superego" may seem to be good at self-discipline, but in fact, they can be described as "self-abusive".

They tend to over-judge and discipline themselves by external norms and standards, constantly blaming and belittling themselves, and causing damage to their self-esteem.

Many parents may think, "Isn't this a good thing? One can be demanding of oneself and more likely to succeed.

I don't know that being overly demanding is counterproductive.

For example, some children usually do quite well, but when it comes to important exams, they fall off the wagon, some will hate studying and reject school.

Some find it difficult to bear the enormous academic pressure and are reluctant to ask their parents for help and find it difficult to dissipate negative emotions themselves, becoming irritable and emotionally out of control ......

In this case, they are forced to maintain self-discipline.

Once they fail, their ego is "punished" by the abusive superego, which leads to deep shame and self-loathing.

Negative emotions can significantly affect our self-control, making self-discipline more difficult and trapping us in a vicious cycle in the pursuit of our goals.

As stated in the book "Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychiatrist".

No criticism is stronger than self-criticism, and no judge is harsher than ourselves.

The most important factor influencing a child to become good is not willpower, but emotion.

Pickiness and harshness do not give a child the motivation to move up, but, on the contrary, bring bad emotions to the child.

And bad emotions will only make the child suffer and develop in the opposite direction of excellence.

The greatest parental support for a child

is to deeply understand and accept

The cartoonist Hayao Miyazaki said: the true love of parents for their children is understanding, appreciation, and encouragement.

We want our children to become better, but always use criticism, how can our children go about it?

Parenting only works if you read your child's heart first.

1, see the child's strengths

Mr. Vanden once said.

Every child must have an imperfect side, more to see the good places, to find the highlights, is the direction of a child's growth and progress.

When you continue to let the highlights become more and more, the dark places will become less and less, this is the way to let children gain self-esteem and self-confidence.

The other day in the circle of friends saw a mother's spiteful child with difficulty to educate, chasing, and fighting every day during the holidays to let the child do homework, but the child is very rebellious, only knows how to draw, and a day can draw a.

After seeing the child's work, I found that it is not the child who should be educated, but the parents.

The child's paintings are very spiritual, you can see that he or she is very talented and has a high sensitivity to color, with bold colors and even lines.

The most important point is that there is a great deal of self-discipline in what he or she likes to do.

The child chooses to ignore the strengths of the child's persistence in painting and instead just criticizes the child.

If this parent could see these strengths and praise him, the child would have a strong sense of recognition and be confident and more willing to take on other challenges.

Barbara McClintock, a woman scientist, had a saying: I am a daisy in the fall, and I believe that not every flower opens in the spring.

Parenting is the art of appreciating that each child is unique, and accepting the child as he or she originally is.

If you focus your attention on your child's strengths, your child will be able to grow at will and live his or her own life.

2、Stating needs directly, mobilizing the child's sense of competence

The book "Nonviolent Communication" says.

If we make claims through criticism, people often respond by arguing or fighting back.

Conversely, if we state needs directly, others are more likely to respond positively.

A parent I know wanted her child to learn to do chores on vacation.

She would get the groceries done each morning and tell her child.

Today mommy has some things to do, so I'll leave the cooking to you. I bought some groceries, and you can start preparing them at exactly x o'clock.

Tell your child all about the cooking process, and finally say.

If you like to do anything you are free to play, mom believes you have the ability.

By being specific, your child will be able to receive the information and carry it out, leaving room for your child to play freely and gain a sense of competence.

The requirements should be specific and clear, do not let the child guess your mind, communication can be smoother, but also better cooperation.

3, focus on developing the child's soft power

Psychology author Qian Zhiliang said: the real decision of a child's life is never the short-term performance of the results.

In the education of children, many parents are putting the cart before the horse, pushing their children to try to get high scores in prestigious schools, just having high scores is not enough, but also multi-talented exams to get awards to put pressure on the child, which will only lead to both parents and children are physically and mentally exhausted.

Harvard University has spent 75 years studying the growth of individuals.

The family and health of 724 men were tracked.

The study showed that children who grow up to be successful tend to have the following four characteristics.

Have good interpersonal skills

A problem-solving and research mentality

Have a strong independent personality

A learning mentality that never stops

What makes a child successful is perseverance, a strong desire to learn, motivation, and persistence in the pursuit of goals.

Mental health, self-esteem and self-confidence building, personality development, thinking skills, frustration resistance, Iceland f-management skills, these inner skills are the important "soft power" that will affect your child's life.

Pay more attention to your child's growth, emphasizing the process rather than the outcome.

There is a famous "Wallach effect" in psychology, which tells us that the development of children's intelligence is uneven, all have strong points and weak points.

Once the best point is found, so that the intelligence can be fully expanded, it can achieve amazing results.

To teach our children, we should all understand one thing: not every seed is an acorn that can grow into a tall oak tree.

Don't hold your child to the ideal standard of perfection of parents. Behind the high demands of dissatisfaction is its awareness of even more restrictions.

Let go of the obsession with perfection and put a healthier environment in your child's hands, rather than trying to catch up to make your child a winner.