Sex as a Hobby in Married Life

Reframing Sex as a Hobby: A New Approach to Plear a lot about people’s sex lives. Not just from my clients but from almost everyone who finds out what I do. People share their best moments of bliss, their deepest insecurities, and everything in between. And while each story is unique, there’s one thing I hear over and over again: people want better sex more often. They believe it would make them happier.

It’s not just anecdotal, either. In a major survey, over two-thirds of respondents agreed with the statement, “My overall quality of life would improve if my sex life improved.” Would you agree? If so, it makes sense. Science shows that regular sexual activity—whether solo or with a partner—improves both physical and mental health. Beyond the physical benefits, good, consistent sex helps develop important skills: communication, creativity, empathy, generosity, and the active practice of consent.

But if better sex leads to a better life, how do we help people get there? How do we improve sex lives on a large scale when so much shame, secrecy, and misinformation still surrounds the topic? When everyone has different levels of experience, needs, and challenges?

The answer is simple but powerful: we should start treating sex like a favorite hobby.

Why Sex Should Be Like Tennis

Let’s compare sex to a hobby—tennis, for example (minus the competitive edge). Imagine you want to play better tennis more often with your partner. What would you do?

You’d talk about tennis—both on and off the court.

You’d schedule time to play, making sure it fits into your busy life.

You’d invest in learning—taking lessons, watching tutorials, or reading up on techniques.

You’d experiment with different equipment, maybe trying out new rackets or tennis outfits.

You’d check in with your partner before playing: "Do you want a long, intense match today or just a quick, fun game?"

If you had an injury preventing you from playing, you’d see a specialist and work on recovery so you could get back on the court.

Most importantly, you’d make sure it was enjoyable for both of you.


Now, think about how most people approach sex. It’s usually nothing like this.

We don’t talk about it—sometimes not even with the person we’re having it with.

We don’t schedule it, instead just hoping we’ll spontaneously want it at the same time.

We rarely educate ourselves. Most of what we learned growing up was focused on what could go wrong.

If something physically prevents us from having sex, we’re often embarrassed to seek medical help, sometimes even hiding it from our partners.

When we do have sex, we often follow the same routine, in the same order, that we’ve been doing for years—imagine how boring tennis would get if you played that way!


Is it any wonder so many people aren’t having as much sex—or enjoying it as much—as they’d like to?

How to Reframe Sex as a Hobby

By shifting our mindset, we can bring more excitement, curiosity, and fulfillment into our sex lives. Here’s how:

1. Talk About It

Start open, honest conversations—especially with your partner(s). The more we talk about sex, the less awkward and taboo it feels.

2. Plan It

Scheduling sex isn’t an admission of failure; it’s a positive step that recognizes intimacy as an important part of life. Just like we make time for exercise, hobbies, and socializing, we should make time for pleasure.

3. Educate Yourself

There’s a wealth of knowledge out there! Search for sex-positive podcasts, books, documentaries, and online courses. You’d be surprised at how much you can learn.

4. Check In Regularly

Before sex, ask each other: "What do you feel like today? Something slow and sensual, or a quick bit of sweaty fun?" Checking in keeps things fresh and ensures both partners’ needs are being met.

5. Experiment and Explore

Just as hobbies evolve, so should our sex lives. Try new techniques, different settings, or even new times of the day—after all, no one expects to play their best tennis between brushing their teeth and falling asleep!

A Mindset That Works for Everyone

This shift in thinking isn’t just for young couples or people in long-term relationships. It works for everyone—regardless of age, gender, relationship status, or experience level.

It also gives hope to those in busy life stages, like raising a young family, that they can and will return to sex when the time is right. On a broader level, it highlights the need for better sex education, accessible medical care, and respect for diversity in pleasure and intimacy. It acknowledges that people of all abilities and ages have a right to sexual fulfillment.

Most importantly, this mindset removes shame and secrecy, encouraging us to embrace pleasure with curiosity and joy. And remember—the skills we practice in good, fulfilling sex (communication, creativity, empathy) are the same skills that help make our communities and relationships stronger.

Give It a Try

What would change in your life if you started thinking about sex this way? Would you have better, more fulfilling experiences? Would you and your partner(s) feel more connected?

I urge you to approach sex like a hobby—talk about it, plan it, learn about it, and enjoy it. Who knows? It might just become your new favorite pastime.