just active listening wont save your conversations

If you are like me and want to pursue entrepreneurship, or maybe you are a creator, a student, a professional, or working in any other domain, you know that communication is often advertised as the holy grail.

Countless books assert that no matter who you are, you must be a good communicator to be successful. Obsessed with this, I have watched several videos and read several books including Crucial Conversations, How to Win Friends and Influence People, How to Talk to Anyone and more.

What do you think was the most common lesson between all of them?

Practice Active Listening.

It’s funny; we usually take up the challenge of communication to speak more effectively and feel good about our voice, but then we’re handed the pill of listening. “Active listening” — a skill that doesn't use our voice.

These are the common ideas you’ll encounter:

“Active listening is listening with the intent to understand, not to respond.”

“Listening is not waiting for your turn to speak; it’s the willingness to be changed by what you hear.”

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”

But that’s where the guidance ends. Apart from these quotes, we’re not told how exactly to listen effectively.

I tried this unguided approach. I listened to people with the intent to understand.

what I got back was people who kept on talking, talking, and talking more. By the end, I found that they resonated with me ( of course they did, i allowed them to express themselves limitlessly).

but me, I didn’t feel the same connection, i dint get to speak as much i wanted to. It left me feeling unsatisfied. So, I was clearly doing something wrong.

I got it all wrong

The truth is, listening to understand and listening to respond don’t have to be mutually exclusive. The whole point of us communicating is connection, and it needs to be both ways. We need to feel satisfied in our participation alongside the participation of the other.

So now, to ensure that this is what I do:

Identify the Person’s Mood: The first thing we should do when we start listening is to gauge the person’s mood. Are they excited, upset, anxious, or relaxed? This allows you to channel your conversation more effectively. If someone is upset, they might need empathy more than solutions. Conversely, if they’re excited, they might want you to share in their enthusiasm.

Listen for Threads: As you listen, Use verbal cues like nodding to show you’re engaged. These subtle actions hint to the other person that something they said resonated with you. Additionally, we should make a mental note of the key points or ‘threads’ the other person makes. These are the topics that seem important to the speaker. Give these threads a rating in your mind based on:

how crucial they seem to the person and how much you know about it

Engage Thoughtfully: When it’s your turn to talk, use the threads you’ve identified to steer the conversation in the order you rated them. Reference specific points the other person made. For example,

You mentioned earlier that you’re feeling overwhelmed with work ( choose something that resonates with you too).

Can you tell me more about what’s been particularly challenging?”

Take Control When Needed: When you want to speak, use the threads to guide the conversation naturally on your part to what you are interested in. Try not to randomly speak up about a topic. This approach makes the other person feel less interrupted and more like you’re contributing meaningfully.

End Gracefully: To end the conversation, stop triggering new threads that they can latch onto to extend the conversation. Simply listen and say something like, “Hey, I’m going to remember what you said so we can talk more next time or anything along those” Phrases as such show interest without leaving the other person feeling ignored. It acknowledges their input while allowing you to wrap up the conversation on your terms.

It’d be great if everything worked perfectly with everyone, but life isn’t always that straightforward. Sometimes, the advice doesn’t fit every situation perfectly. That’s why step 1 — identifying behaviour — is crucial. It takes time to master, but with practice and experimentation, you’ll improve.

Dealing with tougher individuals is where experience counts. Here are some last resorts:

Serial Interrupters and Serial Talkers:

Dealing with serial interrupters or talkers can be challenging in conversations. These are individuals who tend to dominate discussions, often cutting others off mid-sentence or monopolizing the dialogue.

If you find yourself being consistently interrupted or unable to get a word in, sometimes it’s okay to assert yourself. Politely but assertively interjecting can redirect the flow of conversation back to a more balanced exchange. In most casual settings, if done with the right tone and timing, this interruption can improve the dialogue by ensuring all parties feel heard and engaged.

It’s not a chore

Listening should never feel like an obligation. Instead, view it as an opportunity to connect genuinely with others. Following the suggestions to improve your listening skills can enhance your charisma naturally, but remember, you don’t always need to be in charismatic mode. Choose to engage fully when the context demands it, such as in important discussions or when building relationships, rather than forcing it into every interaction.

When you talk, do this

When you are talking to them, you can also make it easier for them to listen to you. Let them interrupt if you’ve been speaking too long. Have variety in your talk to keep them interested. This variety also are options for them to latch onto when it’s their turn to speak, and please don’t forget to be mindful of cues indicating they might be ready to wrap up.

However, if despite your efforts, they’re not tuned in, it might be best to withhold information momentarily. Sometimes, people aren’t in the right frame of mind to absorb what you’re saying, just leave it at that :)

The one thing, where you should just listen mindlessly is music, Here is a tune by my friend Claude Suno, have a listen it has something to do with this blog.

If you like content like this, consider connecting, and if you want content as such as a weekly newsletter, Click here, appreciate it.