How to Deal with difficult people

Navigating challenging interactions is a shared human experience, prompting reflections on our cognitive responses during moments of tension. Picture a scenario where you find yourself engaged with a difficult person, emotions escalating, palms sweating, and breath shortening. The familiar feeling of frustration lingers even after walking away, accompanied by the realization that you could have articulated your thoughts differently. This intricate interplay of emotions is a manifestation of our brain's intricate survival mechanisms, particularly the "low road" described by Daniel Goleman, which involves the limbic system and the fight-or-flight response. As we delve into the complexities of dealing with difficult individuals, it becomes evident that our brain's design for survival significantly influences our reactions in such situations.

Daniel Goleman's "low road" concept underscores the impact of the limbic system, our fear regulator, and the fight-or-flight response on our interactions with difficult people. The physiological response to stress, characterized by the release of adrenaline, norepinephrine, and cortisol, creates a heightened state of anxiety. This heightened state not only affects our emotional well-being but also triggers physical responses, such as slowed metabolism and even acne due to an excess of stress hormones. Recognizing the implications of these reactions prompts an exploration of whether this is a desirable way to live our lives, especially considering the far-reaching consequences of workplace conflicts.

Conflicts in the workplace, whether involving difficult individuals or not, lead to serious repercussions such as turnover, absenteeism, and project failures. This emphasizes the need for proactive strategies to address and mitigate the impact of such conflicts. Importantly, the realization emerges that changing other people's behavior is a formidable challenge. Consequently, redirecting the focus towards internal strategies becomes imperative. A fundamental shift involves examining how we label difficult individuals and the archetypes we create for them. Whether we term someone as "difficult" or categorize them as the "not listener," "one-upper," "gossiper," or "curmudgeon," these labels contribute to our understanding of their behavior.

The archetypes vividly describe common behaviors encountered in the workplace. The "not listener" who remains engrossed in their digital devices during conversations, the "one-upper" who habitually competes to share a superior story, the "gossiper" who thrives on stirring up trouble, and the "curmudgeon" steeped in reminiscence of the organization's past glory or faults all find familiarity in our professional lives. The intriguing aspect is the immediate association of names and faces with these archetypes, reflecting the personalized impact of these behaviors. This prompts a crucial realization — each of us is a difficult person in someone else's perception.

The narrative shifts from an external demand for others to change to an internal recognition that personal change is the only viable option. This paradigm shift underscores the urgency of this internal transformation — a message underscored by the physiological toll of stress hormones on our health, aptly described as "your heart attack." With an understanding that we cannot alter others' behaviors, the emphasis turns to altering our responses.

Behavioral intelligence emerges as a unique framework to approach difficult interactions. This model encompasses four quadrants — explaining existing behaviors, predicting future behaviors, influencing others' behaviors, and controlling our own behaviors. Exploring the first quadrant, explaining behaviors involves delving beyond surface labels such as "stubborn" or "aggressive." It prompts us to question whether our friend exhibiting similar behaviors would be described differently. This calls for a deeper examination of intrinsic motivations that drive behavior, an introspective process often overlooked in the heat of the moment.

A compelling case study illustrates the power of questioning in understanding and resolving workplace conflicts. Bill and Ted, two managers in constant conflict, were brought together to articulate their grievances. Each perceived the other as a source of disruption, with Bill frustrated by Ted's constant questions and Ted feeling neglected by Bill's unresponsiveness. When presented with each other's perspectives, a transformative moment occurred. The realization that their behaviors were misinterpreted led to a mutual understanding and the resolution of their conflicts. This highlights the importance of asking questions to comprehend the motivations behind behaviors.

Moving from explaining to predicting behaviors addresses the pervasive uncertainty that accompanies difficult interactions. Uncertainty, as evident in scenarios like a surprise meeting with a superior, often triggers anxiety. Anticipating behaviors based on patterns or past experiences can alleviate this uncertainty, allowing individuals to either forgive or be mentally prepared. The predictive element becomes a tool to navigate challenging interactions, reducing the surprise element.

Influencing others' behaviors is a delicate art requiring strategic communication. Inclusive language becomes a key aspect of this quadrant. Avoiding accusatory language and embracing inclusive terms like "we" and "us" fosters collaboration. It transforms statements from "your behavior" to "we are having trouble communicating," recognizing communication as a shared responsibility. Moreover, the role of reward and recognition in modifying behavior is explored. While the concept is often associated with children, extending this principle to adult interactions proves effective. Acknowledging positive actions through recognition or rewards creates a shift from an adversarial relationship to a collaborative and positive one.

Controlling one's behavior in challenging situations is a fundamental aspect of the fourth quadrant of behavioral intelligence. Simple yet powerful techniques like deep breathing and counting to ten are introduced. The physiological impact of these actions, signaling to the body that everything is okay, is emphasized. The notion of counting to ten extends beyond a mechanical process to a strategic tool for suggesting a break during a heated conversation. Employing inclusive language during this break reinforces the idea of facing the challenge together.

A nuanced approach to difficult people involves separating the person from their behavior. This distinction enables individuals to express displeasure with specific behaviors rather than labeling the entire person as "difficult." This shift in perspective opens the door to a more objective evaluation of whether the specific behavior is worth the emotional and physical toll it may exact.

In summary, the model of behavioral intelligence provides a comprehensive framework for understanding, predicting, influencing, and controlling behaviors in the context of difficult interactions. It invites individuals to explore the reciprocal nature of difficulty, recognizing that each of us is a difficult person in someone else's perception. The imperative to change one's behavior stems not from an external demand but from the intrinsic necessity to preserve personal well-being. The profound question emerges — is someone else's bad behavior worth your heart attack?

The significance of relationships in the workplace becomes a focal point. Recognizing the impact of conflicts on relationships underscores the urgency of proactive engagement. The model of behavioral intelligence emerges as a potent tool not only for personal development but also for fostering healthier workplace dynamics. The transformative power of this model lies in its ability to explain, predict, influence, and control behaviors. It calls for a paradigm shift from external expectations to internal transformations, with the ultimate goal of creating a work environment where individuals can coexist harmoniously despite their perceived difficulties. After all, our relationships matter, and our ability to navigate difficult interactions is pivotal for personal and organizational success.