High School Diaries: Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Gertrude

Being honest with you, I didn’t think I would live to my first homecoming, let alone my Junior year, yet here I am, my first day of school. Yet again, I’m here.

There’s a few things you should know about me, I’m not very pretty, I’m not very popular, I don’t like most things the popular girls like. I’m depressed, for real, I’m not using that to emphasize how sad I am. I’m not being dramatic. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was eleven. I also have generalized anxiety disorder and I’m constantly questioning if I’m a bad person or not. I’m not really sure why I’m so hated by my peers and lately, I’ve been wondering if they’re all right about me.

I didn’t shower, I didn’t brush my hair and I didn’t brush my teeth, because frankly, it doesn’t matter how I look. I threw on the baggiest pair of jeans I owned, filled with holes of course, along with my baggiest sweatshirt and graphic band t-shirt (Slipknot). I didn’t look in the mirror. I put on my gym shoes and ran out the door without saying a word to anyone.

It sucks, you know? It sucks to hate yourself. But it's all society’s fault that I hate myself. If it weren’t for the unrealistic beauty standards, I wouldn’t feel like I’m worse than trash. But who knows! Maybe I’m really the problem after all.

But I couldn’t possibly accept that. I couldn’t possibly accept the fact that I’m not a good person. I have to be a good person, otherwise I’m literally going to kill myself.

It was August and like, 85 degrees, and I was sweating, but I couldn’t ever show off my skin. I’m too fucking insecure and I’m not about to let everyone see how much of a blob I am. I waited by the tree at my bus stop. Still riding the bus as a junior, Gerdy? Yeah I know, I’m a fucking loser.

As I bordered the bus, I made eye contact with Amber Joyce, my former friend. She looked at me like she was better than me. Whatever though, who cares, right? Like, who cares what these people think of me. I certainly don’t. At least I’m not a massive slut, like all the other girls, showing off their skin and acting like total bimbos. I’m better than them. I’m garbage, but at least I don’t fuck every boy in the school. And Amber Joyce is exactly that, a slut, a total fucking hussy. She thinks just because she hangs out with Victoria Murphy that she can look down on me. Fuck her, she’s literally the most basic of bitches. And like, I didn’t want to be her friend anymore anyway. She’s dead to me now.

I sat at the very back of the bus, not having a care in the world because it’s like, who cares about any of these people. While they’re all going to peak in high school, I’m going to be so successful and have so many friends in college. Yeah, totally, it’s all going to be better one day and I just need to keep telling myself that.

I got off the bus, rushing inside the building and to my locker as fast as I can. I didn’t want anyone to say anything to me today, for reals, I didn’t want anyone to hurt me today. No fucking thanks.

I made it to my locker before anyone was really even in the halls, thank god, grabbing my books and folders. My locker was completely undecorated. In past years, I had put a lot of effort into decorating my locker but I’ve completely given up by this point. None of this really mattered and I refused to actually keep up with this anymore.

I made my way to my first class, English. I didn’t really care about English. It was one of my least favorite classes, I was never really very good at it. I used to be good at it, but every single year, it seems my grades are dropping and honestly, it kills me. I try as much as I can, but no matter what, I can’t really seem to commit to it, which sucks, but who cares.

I sat down in the back of the class by the window, hoping no one will bother me and hoping this teacher didn’t organize seats. I know all the answers, but I don’t want to be called on.

I waited…

“Hey there!” I looked up, it was the teacher. She was definitely shorter than me, maybe like 5’5? She had dark brown hair and pretty blue eyes. She looked to be in her mid to late thirties, maybe younger.

“Uh… Hi?” I replied, not wanting to engage but she was the teacher after all, so it’s not like I had a choice.

“You must like to be in class pretty early, I wasn’t expecting to see any students until 8:10 at least!” she said, smiling friendly.

“Uh, yeah, I like to avoid the crowds, crowds make me nervous.”

“Is that so? I can relate. I don’t usually like crowds myself.” she said, “I’m Ms. Welch by the way.”

“I’m Gertrude…”

“Ah yes! Gertrude, I saw that on my list. That’s a very old fashion name! Do you want to go by any nickname or anything?”

“No…”

“Ah, alright! Well, I have to go to print some syllabuses, it seems I’m five short. After I come back, I’m probably going to prep other things as well, but until class begins, feel free to do whatever you want.”

“Okay…” I watched as she left the room. I continued zoning out. I was biding my time until the day was over.

As the minutes went by, other students went into the room until every seat was taken. As the teacher began to speak, I felt as though I was going to throw up. It’s the same every year, the syllabus, the students, everything. With the exception of one thing, a new girl.

She was pretty, but I didn’t really care. I simply pushed her beautiful face out of my mind, not taking note of her name, her light reddish hair or her cute eyes, because if I thought too much of her, I would probably get these gross ideas in my head that I might think she’s attractive and I’ll be very clear, I don’t fucking care about her. I’m not interested in women and I don’t want a girlfriend. I don’t want her as my friend either, because who cares.

I zoned out as much as I could, drifting through class trying my best to think about the latest episode of the anime I’ve been watching about vampires and romance. Doing my best to think about the vampire kissing me and not about school. I went through my next two classes with this mindset.

I was able to stick with this mindset until finally, someone interrupted me in Geometry.

“Hey, Gertrude, right?” It was Madison Andre, one of the stupid preppies, god I can’t stand her, “Do you think I can borrow a pencil.”

I replied, “Um, I guess, but you better give it back at the end of class.”

“Yeah, no problem! Thank you so much! You’re a lifesaver, girl!” She said in that overly happy voice. It sounded so goddamn fake. I bet she’s going to keep it too, like a fucking bitch.

Madison Andre was, in my opinion, one of the prettiest girls in the school. She had dark brown hair done up in a short, wavy bob and beautiful bluish grey eyes and a smile you could fall in love with. She also had a cute butt, not that I looked or anything, but I always heard boys talk about her butt. Maddie was also in like a million clubs, most notably, she’s the student council president. I don’t really remember if she’s a Junior or a Senior, but yeah, she’s kind of a big deal. It’s not like I’m happy that she talked to me or anything, but like, you know, I figured I should mention it.

After Geometry, it was lunch of cours, so after the bell rang, I got ready to leave for lunch. I picked up all my stuff and began to go. Suddenly, again, Madison talked to me.

“Hey!” was all she could say before I bolted, I couldn’t stand looking at her again.

After making it to lunch, I sat in the same place I always did at lunch, not really thinking much of things, alone as I always was. I was extremely close to crying into my lunchable.

“Hey, is it alright if I sit here with you? I’m new here and I don’t really know anyone and you seem nice enough,” the new girl inquired to me. She was very cute. Definitely much shorter than I was, she had short, strawberry blonde hair and very pretty eyes, they were like blue and green at the same time. I was blown away by her beauty. I really resented her for that to be honest, but at the same time, I wanted to give her a chance. After all, maybe she might get it.

“There’s a few things you should know about me first…” I started saying, “I’m a total loser in the eye of most people, I imagine, not really like most of the other girls. I’m not very pretty, I’m not very popular… I’m more brains than looks. I’m not like some pretty, blonde, popular, cute, clean girls. I’m just like you’re normal (pfft, whatever that means), kind of, gamer girl. I like totally nerdy stuff, like minecraft, fortnight and being totally poggers! I don’t like things like the color pink, horses, boy bands, douchy fuck boys… I like the things that matter, like games and the time cube. I also like watching the latest season of anime and the latest shows on Hulu™ and Netflix™, but not like those basic bitch, normal shows that all the cool kids watch. I like art shows like Black Mirror and The Walking Dead and other good ones.”

“Um… is that a yes?” the new girl asked me.

“I mean, as long as you aren’t gonna leave me in order to become one of the populars,” I said aggressively, “You aren’t a loser wannabe who worships the ground that the beautiful people walk on right? Like you don’t care about stupid things like vanity or being likeable or hygiene or pride in yourself, right? You’re like me right? Not like those other girly girls, yeah?”

“I don’t know man, I just want somewhere to sit,” she replied quite honestly, “But I guess we could be friends?”

“Oh thank god, I don’t have any friends really other than all my internet friends, but I’m really starved for actual human contact…” I said, “Haha! Just kidding! It’s a funny joke! I’m making jokes!”

The new girl laughed as she sat down, which means she must have thought it was funny. I’m happy I was able to pass it as a joke, but damn, I’m really lonely these days. Please don’t leave me alone, new girl

“Anyway, what’s your name?” the new girl asked.

“Gertrude. Gertrude Aimer.” I said, introducing my name.

“Cool, my name is Anastasia Ivanov! You can call me Anya though. Nice to meet you!” she replied, introducing herself.

“Nice to meet you Anya! Do you like Anastasia?” I asked, making polite small talk.

“What?” She replied.

“You know like the movie?”

“What?”

“The animated movie about the lost princess of Russia? You know Anastasia? It’s loosely based on the legend of Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna Romanova of Russia, which claims that she somehow escaped the execution of her family and survived. In the movie, Anastasia suffers from amnesia and is trying to find her missing family. There’s also like a scary wizard that’s after her and trying to end her life. There’s also of course a forced romance, god I hate romance so much, haha. I really like the songs in it though.”

“Haha, sorry, I don’t really watch a lot of Disney stuff,” she replied, like a fucking casual.

“Um, it's not actually from Disney at all?” I replied, I’m gonna educate this fool, “Anastasia is a 1997 animated film from the mind of the genius Don Bluth… and Gary Goldman, but I don’t really know him, in association with Fox Animated Studios, distributed by 20th Century Fox. Very much not a Disney movie.”

“Um, okay,” she scratched the back of her head.

“Yeah, anyway, I really like your shoes. Are those Doc Martens? I also really like your wallet, did you get that from Hot Topic? I really like Hot Topic. It's like a store that was made for a weirdo like me, you know. I’m a total creep and creepy stuff like that always makes me feel really at home. I really like their band shirts and anime shirts and cartoon shirts and stuff. I really love cartoons and stuff, you know, even though most people including probably you, think that stuff is really lame. I enjoy what I enjoy.”

“Uh, thanks? Yeah, I actually also like anime and cartoons a bit. What kinds of bands do you like though? I’m curious,” she asked, it made me happy.

“Oh! Really! You wanna know about the bands I like! Okay, they aren’t really like regular bands you know! Not really stuff that most girls listen to. Not any of that top 40 crap.”

“I get it! I get it! Now please, tell me what bands you like.”

“Okay, well, I really like things like Slipknot, MCR (That stands for My Chemical Romance btw), Black Veil Brides, I kind of like Billie Eilish a bit, The Weeknd is okay, I like Green Day, Panic! At the Disco, Paramore is fun and I really like Hayley Williams, 5 Seconds of Summer is good, but kinda basic, Blink 182, I kinda like Twenty One Pilots, Poppy, Korn, Fall Out Boy, Steam Powered Giraffe, All Time Low…”

“Oh! Really? I like Korn and MCR!”

“Yeah! They’re really great”

“Yeah, have you listened to their self titled album, you know, like, they’re debut?”

“Anyway, what anime have you watched? I really like Eva, Death Note,Steins; Gate! I really like all sorts of anime, but not like those girly ones… Madoka’s good I guess, but that’s because it's so fucked up and really subverts your expectations on what magical girls are. I really like when the yellow madoka gets her head fucking obliderated. It was really messed up. Oh, sorry, spoilers by the way. But anyway, I really love dark anime. Like things with horror elements, like Hellsing is also good. Mirai Nikki is fun, I fucking love Higurashi.”

“Uh-huh, yeah, cool. Are you gonna eat the slices of ham from your lunchable.”

“Yeah sure, but anyway, as I was saying, I really like macabre things, you know? My favorite kinds of books are horror. I also really like true crime and stuff. I bet I could get away with a murder, I’ve like, got the mind of a serial killer. Haha, like I’m super fucked up in the head. I’m like the Joker or Harley Quinn or like, the guy who melts ants with a magnifying glass. I know a guy like that, he’s in our grade, his name Jacob Alvedere. He got suspended from school the other day for threatening to come in with his magnifying glass and going to town on Ms. Grimsby. I think he’s just misunderstood though, you know. Sometimes it’s just really hard to open up to people, you know?”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” she said between slices of ham.

“Haha yeah, thanks by the way for sitting with me, no one really likes me on account of me being so weird and quirky, haha. It gets really lonely. So it’s nice to have someone who sits here with me. God, I’ve had so many lunches alone. Sometimes I think about just ending it all or dropping out of high school so I don’t have to continue going on like this, haha, just a little joke. But seriously, I’m really lonely and scared. People really don’t like me and I don’t know why. I try really hard to be sociable and stuff, but boy, do people really not like me. Anyway, what’s your name again, sorry, I’m bad with names. Mine’s Gertrude.”

“It’s Anya.”

“Haha, oh yeah, Anastasia, like the Russian Princess,” I said, doing my best to fill as much silence as I can, because nothing bothers me more than silence, “That’s a really pretty name, but not like basic bitch pretty, like actually pretty and unique. My name is unique, but in ,like, an ugly way. I’m kind of not pretty, so it fits.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Uh, yeah, it's, like, crazy how this is supposed to be the best years of our life. I feel like garbage.”

“Yeah, same.”

“Yeah, like, what’s your next class? And like, actually show me your schedule, let’s see if we have anything together,” I said, I think I could be friends with Anya. She seems like she gets it. Like, this might be the start of something good. We can have sleepovers together. We could do all the girl stuff girls do at sleepovers, but weirder and more fun because we’re goofy and not like the normies.

“Oh, yeah sure, here.” Anya gave me her schedule and I looked it over.

“It looks like we have the 7th period together!” I said, so excited to possibly have a friend in my classes, “It’s Chemistry with Mr. Houbalt! Science is like my favorite class too!!!”

Thank god, I’ll finally have a lab partner.

“Oh, good,” Anya said plainly.

As she said that, the lunch bell ended, which meant it was time to go.

“Well, I’ll see you in Science, Anya! Can’t wait!”

Anya nodded and quickly went on her way, she must be the type that’s really nervous about getting to class on time. I can respect that.

After lunch, nothing of note really happened, I went from class to class, feeling like throwing up until 7th period. I walked into the classroom of Chemistry and made eye contact with Anya. I couldn’t contain my excitement as I sat next to her.

“Anya!” I said, smiling, “Hey!”

“Um, hey…”

I was on, like, cloud nine. I was floating through the sky. I felt so happy, I could barely breathe.

“Haha, so, how’s the day been?” I asked, totally not nervous.

“Okay, I guess…” she replied.

“Haha, yeah, same here.”

As the teacher walked in, I couldn’t stop smiling. Wow, I felt such joy in my heart. I can’t believe I finally have a friend.