Diary Of Narcissistic Abuse

17 years ago I appeared to fall so madly in love with a man so far out of reach that caused me so much pain I felt I need to go back 17 years later for more. Tall, wiry and clever he captured nothing I wanted in a man. He appeared to forget all about me once out of the warmth of my bed and into the bed of a ex or chat room friend. I continued to hope that I might be enough or that I could make him love me the way I loved him. I remember such a caring man who made me dinner, was affectionate and sexy and treated me like a precious ornament when alone or in company. When our paths separated I knew it was for the best but yet continued to see him and jeopardize a life of happiness with another.

Why did he have and still have such a hold over my well being. While I sit here with tears rolling down my face for the 3rd night in a row I'm not sure what I'm crying for, my past or my future or the fact that I may have woken up to the fact that he will never care or love me the way I deserve.  18 months of feeling like a shoe in in someones life has crippled me to the point where my self esteem and self worth is zero. I could starve myself for a week and still feel unworthy of all consuming love from this man. I wish I could have walked away 18 months ago when I felt that I was like a toy being picked up and thrown down when ever the fancy took him.. The ebbing away of affection. caring and even thought has left me confused. I believe myself to be intelligent and not bad looking and a catch to any man but yet this man looks at me always with a critical eye.. Uttering the words 'I don't want to spent every weekend with you' more than once and crushing my soul every time. Giving me a running critical commentary on my driving skills enough to threaten to take away a car bought for my birthday as I had commited the sin of not being grateful enough. criticism at every turn not to mention critiquing my house, housework skills,  and just about everything .. Telling me to keep my voice down, stop swearing and moaning about cat hair, cat poo and cats in general, making me feel inferior with every swipe of his tongue.

Taking time to help him decorate gave me zero relief as I enduring silences and being told I shouldn't need to be told what to do. Failing to mind read added to my list of many failures. My biggest failure to date is the failure to be a person who has increased their worth by earning lots of money, my role as parent of 4, desperately trying to educate and work has no worth to someone like him. He only sees debts and missed direct debits and frankly someone so stupid they shouldn't be walking around without a carer. A certain disdain only reserved for people spending their lives on benefits.

The lovely caring man who made my dinner now only told me how disgusting my kitchen is and inspects all the plates and glasses for more signs that I have failed in my duty as a human being. Through every one of these demoralizing attacks by far the worst is the waning affection that went from the best hugger in the world to barely feeling his arms around me.  To be relegated to only being allowed physical affection when it suits him which is few and far between, sitting here and crying with a broken heart and needing to be told I am everything to someone but only seeing them disappear upstairs where once the door is closed I no longer exist.

This man has so many qualities, he can turn a hand to any thing, educated and clever he can talk freely on many subjects, a beautiful smile, I used to see a nurturing man who enjoyed looking after me and in his place a man who cleans and repairs a car I'm too scared to drive,spent hours in a garden I'm terrified of using in case I do something wrong, break something or disappoint him in some way. Ruining lunch times with friends with critical messages about open doors and windows. I feel like I'm walking on a thin layer of glass and desperately looking for this man to rescue me but he just lays down more glass when I'm not looking. 

Could I or should I endure a life time of this constant torture? A trip to London which should be fun and we should be planning together has turned to stone with my constant thoughts being a weekend following him round, sleeping when he wants to, getting up when he wants to, being physical when he wants to, eating when and where he wants to, I don't know who I am any more, I'm certain I used to be a bubbly, eccentric and intelligent girl who was easy on the eye but as I sit here alone while the man snores upstairs I feel none of these things.. I just feel sad and unhappy and I need to rescue myself from this hell my life has become. After 17 years am I really still waiting for this man to wake up and realize what he has,  Shortly, he will have nothing, no bubbly, intelligent woman, no garden, no house, no planned future and do I think he will wake up and realise what he lost? No I don't think so.