The Road To Hell Is Littered With 21 Items The Devil Doesn't Like
All the niceties we take for granted that put us on the Highway to Hell.
Everybody thinks about where they’re going at the end, and it’s a safe bet that some of us might be heading down when our story concludes. Unfortunately, all those things we take for granted, and many of the niceties we enjoy in this life, won’t be there to enjoy when we reach the end of the road to hell. Take a little stock in today, and if you’re on that road these 21 items are the ones you might as well throw out the window.
21 Items You Can’t Have In Hell
1. Toilet Paper — If you’ve ever been camping and tried to figure out how to wipe, you’ll realize how toilet paper is vital to your existence. But, in hell, toilet paper is going to be replaced by the much more environmentally friendly option that makes even coarse one-ply at Walmart look tempting. I’m betting that the two sea shells from the movie Demolition Man sound better and no, there won’t be any fancy toilets that spray.
2. Bottled Water — People in hell want ice water, or so my granddad once said. In hell, the environmentalists are all happy because that fancy bottled water we’ve enjoyed for so long is no more. At those temperatures, we’re all going to get thirsty.
3. The Good Old American Hamburger — You better swing through a drive-thru on the road to hell. There’s likely to be no beef downstairs. In hell, there’s zero chance of its leadership putting up with Farting Cows. Heaven forbid…
It’ll make at least one politician very happy.
4. Vaseline — Sadly, there won’t be an ample supply of Vaseline when it’s time to pay for our sinful ways. Dry and cracked lips will continue to be dry and cracked lips unless you find something else to use as a moisturizer when you’re in the furnace. There just isn’t petroleum jelly in hell, so enjoy those soft wet kisses now.
5. Privacy In The Shower — Shower curtains won’t be available to use in Hell. In many ways, Hell’s starting to resemble a prison, but prison from the days when it was really scary. Not that you’ll be in there long. The water rationing in Hell is similar to the California drought plan before they got all the rain and snowpack. Enjoy that shower!
6. Sunglasses — with all that fire and brimstone that hell promises, one would imagine taking some sunglasses down the road to hell is a great idea. Unfortunately, it’s on the never-ending list of no-nos in the pit. So, shield your eyes and prepare, it’s going to be eternally bright with all the flames around you.
7. Detergents — this is going to make life hard on the clean freaks, but detergents in hell? The devil and his favorite demons aren’t worried about being clean, so you might as well roll down the windows in that Dodge Hellcat as you’re speeding down the road to hell, and throw that detergent out before you get there. Getting caught smuggling contraband into hell might make it an even worse destination.
8. Aspirin — for those of you that suffer headaches, you’re not so lucky with this roll of the dice. Aspirin isn’t going to be available when you’re on vacation at Casa del Lucifer. He’s more of an herbalist.
9. Coolers — Nope, there’s no ice for the guests in hell. So, drop that cooler off before you arrive. Word has it, coolers are used the way pineapples were in the movie Little Nicky…OUCH!
10. Pillows — leave your favorite pillow at home. Sleep in hell isn’t going to be comfortable.
11. Prosthetics — If you’ve got a prosthetic that you’re going to need in the next world, make your piece with god and find forgiveness. The devil and his minions are on the lookout for fake body parts. Apparently, someone knew where they were going and saw that scene between Satan and Hitler in Little Nicky. Well, they tried to smuggle in some lube.
12. First aid — Bandages are on the banned list in hell. It’s easier to make people suffer if their cuts get infected. Huh…how diabolical.
13. Lipstick — No lipstick in hell. Of course, you can try to smuggle it in, but if you get caught you’re assigned a work detail that involves an extra degree of butt-kissing, sans lip protection.
14. Hefty — Trashbags don’t seem to be a thing in hell. Perhaps that’s because we won’t be living in the royal palace. Be prepared to be disgusted by the amount of garbage lying around. In places, it’ll be knee-deep, like the wrong side of Portland.
15. Toilet Seats — It’s time to hover over that bowl and forgo reading your favorite bathroom magazine or newspaper. Toilet seats are a gag in hell. They pulled them all and call going to the bathroom a kinetic squat. Get in shape boys and girls.
16. Teeth — If you get in with your teeth, enjoy it. At the end of the Road to Hell, you enter the toothless zone unless you’re a guest of his royal highness, the King of Hell, or one of the seven princes. Toothbrushes and false teeth aren’t allowed. What might be the theme there?
Everybody After The Road To Hell Ends Up Like This Guy:
17. Hell Stinks — So, it should come as no surprise that they aren’t allowing most shampoos and soaps to come into the unholy kingdom. If you’re offended by smells that rival a long overdue in need of cleaning locker room, you might want to try finding Jesus and taking a different road.
18. Shaving Cream — While many are fans of hairless faces, armpits, chests, backs, legs, and other places, shaving creams won’t be available in Hell. The Road to Hell is paved with good intentions but the streets of Hell have hairy lovers. Get used to it, or maybe change your ways on Earth.
19. Insect Repellant — Oh yes, there will be bugs. The bugs in hell can carry off a small human-like an eagle carries small animals. Sadly, there will be no Raid or Bug-Off in hell. Since there are no candles either, that leaves out citronella.
20. Fabrics — There’s a lack of textiles in Hell. Only specially-made threads for the King and his court are available in hell. Hell’s going to be a long line of standing in line for water rations and food rations for some people. Only, you’ll end up naked hoping the one behind you isn’t carrying a pineapple.
21. Legos — They’re basically a toy, even though they’re fun to build as an adult with all the fancier ones that have come out. Since there aren’t any children in hell, toys aren’t allowed into the unholy kingdom. Kids still have their innocence. Something to think about…?
The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions?
It doesn't sound like the destination vacation I hope to achieve, but then again, that's just me. Even the devil doesn't want to see us keep littering the environment by overusing petroleum for everything, and the preceding products all started in the ground from Fossil Fuels.
About the Creator
Jason Ray Morton
Writing has become more important as I live with cancer. It's a therapy, it's an escape, and it's a way to do something lasting that hopefully leaves an impression.
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Comments (2)
A delightful, diabolical hitchhiker's guide through the Gehena! Although at least one portion sounded a little like "Urinetown: the Musical". (Nothing can ruin a good show like too much exposition--or a bad title!) So the road to hell is paved with useless contraband? At least it should stand the test of time since most of that stuff doesn't like to decompose!
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