You Hurt Me

You hurt me. You may have forgotten but I have not. My body hasn’t either. You hurt me down to my bones and soul. You took me to a place that is so hard to come back from. And all I have ever done is love you.

I loved you before I knew what love was. Before love was a word that I knew would hurt me. Before I knew love was an excuse for people to hurt you. I loved you before I hated or loved myself. I’m certain I was born loving you.

All of this isn’t to say I think you are a bad person. I would like to say that I do still love you. I always (unfortunately) will. However, I will not let you hurt me anymore. I know your games and I am not falling for them this time around. I love you but that doesn’t mean I need to put up with your shit. Love is not tolerated abuse.

Love should be warm, kind, gentle. You have been the opposite of warm, kind and gentle my entire life. You taking it well for some time but you never meant it. I have found so much love over the years that is so warm and so kind and absolutely gentle. It is what I deserve and will continue to get my whole life .. with or without you.

You hurt me. That does not feel like it covers it anymore. You brought me down to such a low level. I did not know a child could be hurt like that. You can lie and make up stories all you want. But my body and mind constantly (truly, constantly) remember the words, the actions and the pain. You have hurt the hell out of me. I do not know if I can ever forgive that or you. I have forgiven you for not protecting me or taking care of me. But I have not forving you for hurting me. That is a pain I hope no one feels. If I do have children, I will work my ass off to make sure that child or those children are treated well and never have to see anger, pain and mistreatment like what you did to me. I am 28 years old and cannot get over the amount of pain you put me through because you have not healed.

The older I got, the more I realized this was not my fault. Sure, I got mouthy as I got older but I was only standing up for myself. It is not and was not my fault that an adult would hurt a child. I deserved better.

You hurt me. But I sleep okay now. I do not have as many nightmares. I can eat properly meals, I take care of my body, I read books, I’m finishing school, I work hard and I know who I am. I have mental illness and chronic illness but I am strong. And I am not strong because of you. I am strong in spite of you. You hurt me. But I am recovering. I know I will be okay someday. I am surrounded by love and comfort and compassion now. I am not hurt anymore. Telling my brain that is one thing. Especially living in a place where so much happened. But I love that place, I love who I’m with and I love my life. So I absolutely know it will all end up okay. I am better than I was and I will not let you destroy me. You hurt me but I am patching myself back up.