You deserve more in life because you are beautiful, agree?

This statement irks me, I don’t particularly appreciate being told what to do, and then this statement goes even more profound to questioning the choices I have made in my life, usually from outside and someone who only catches glimpses.

Then I go farther; I think, who are you to say what I deserve or don’t deserve? Who are you to tell me what to do or how to live my life? My entire life, people have always put their projections on what they think I deserve or even want out of life for absolutely no reason at all besides how I look.

The comment I received recently went like this, ¨you are a beautiful woman; you deserve more than THAT.¨ What the hell does that mean?

Have you judged my entire life based on my appearance? I mean, isn’t this just the society we live in today? Everything is superficial and based on looks.

This statement has always pissed me off; I have heard it my entire life. Maybe ask me if I am happy, content, peaceful, loved, and have joy in my life. Maybe, stop focusing on the outside shell. That is not who I am; that is only the costume I was given and has nothing to do with the inner me, as I have been reminded of this also.

We love projecting as a species, don’t we? You look so normal, then you talk and are a bit weird. What is ¨normal¨, anyway?

So I suppose I will never win, except I am not trying to win anything; life is not a competition. I am a living being here on earth, and I am living. That is my only goal. To live and be happy, whatever that means to me, and to you.

It is not even about being happy; it is about finding joy and peace at this time in my life. In the past, I would be glad he said I was beautiful, but I now know that beauty is skin deep.

I used to obsess over how I looked; I put makeup on daily and wanted people only to see the outside of me; after years of being told I was weird, I used my outside appearance to distract. Maybe that is what it is for; it was a repellant.

Then I would get told; no guy will talk to you because they are intimidated, I said fantastic. Also, why is everything about others?

I felt good, but little comments always were there as a little poke, letting you know you still are not good enough. Getting told you are intimidating is also a false lie we are told, but for another article.

Anything to distract from the real me, yet people still keep popping up in my life talking about what I deserve; I know I should not let it bother me. Yet obviously, this is a sore spot for me.

When something keeps popping up, it’s time to at least vent about it. So what does this random person think I deserve, I wonder? It was on Youtube, not here, in case you are wondering. I was talking about how to get a visa in Colombia, my experience at least. I am in my yard, and you can see Casita Rosa (little pink house, that is what I named her).

So is he looking and thinking I deserve what? I think my life is perfect, minus a few things like my future chickens, bees, and clay oven. I mean, what the hell do people think life is?

Material things? Maybe the fact that I talked about money openly and stated I do not qualify for a specific visa due to my income varies month to month. Perhaps this man thinks I deserve what? I do not believe any of us deserve anything. To me, the word deserve is a sign of entitlement; the only thing I came here needing is air to breathe, food to eat, and shelter.

Very basic, and anything above the basics, I am grateful. At this moment, I have way above that, plus love from my family and those around me. I have companionship in two-legged and four-legged forms and an abundance of food.

I do not deserve this; I have worked hard to get what I have. I used to have a friend who hated when people said deserve; also, he would say deserve what? What makes someone deserving of anything? And I often agree. I don’t know.

I have a lot of people I know who say I have had a hard day; I deserve ice cream. Like no, you do not deserve it. What did you do to deserve ice cream? You want ice cream; say I had a long day, and I want to eat ice cream. We justify our behavior using this term instead of saying what we want.

So is he saying I deserve more than what? Do I? No, of course not; I have what I want because it is what I want. I think I have more than enough, and you understand this when you come from nothing. I have a bathroom with running water; I did not have this as a child. I did not know what having a daily shower felt like until I was a teenager.

Humans are the only species on earth who think we deserve things for being. No, we do not, but if it makes you feel good to tell others, they deserve more; that says more about you than it does me.

Another day, another diary entry from my life. It has been a while since someone has told me what I need in my life; I might be utilizing the block button very soon!