Why am I such a failure while others are so inspirational?

I didn't feel like a failure until my mom died, and it's ironic that being a human is such a mess.

My father died when he was 12. He killed himself. I always felt like my mom and I were responsible. As far back as I can remember, my childhood was still very happy. I don't know when my father began to fall ill, and my mother and I both abandoned him, as if fate had been distorted from that point in time. I know this is karma.

My father had been looking at me for a while before he committed suicide. Now I know he didn't want to give up on me, but AT that time I felt very scared. I don't know why he kept staring at me. He gave me a hundred dollars to take good care of my mother. At that time, there were already signs. I don't know why I was so stupid at that time. I was watching TV when my dad died, and my cousin found me the next day.

I was sloppy in elementary school, and I got worse after my dad died, and I had low self-esteem. Later I found out that I was suffering from depression. I was doing well in school at that time, but MY heart was distorted and self-abased. My psychological problems are getting worse and worse. I have delusions of persecution and I can't read. I like a boy, and I always think people will find out and my mother will know. Originally, I was always in the top of the class, but then fell to the middle of the class, and did not do well in the middle school entrance exam. I missed one point and went to senior high school. I went to a medical school. At that time, it was good, because my mother and relatives thought it would be better for a family like mine to work early.

Nightmare has just begun, I still very distorted, tend to have that kind of manic depression, I still reading this, but the man is lazy, inferiority and the poor in the home, there was tension between the bedroom, probably in the second half of the semester grade one, I was more serious, insomnia for three months, once want to self-harm, but fear of pain or not implemented. Initially did not dare to the teacher and classmates including mother said, I'm afraid of other people think I have mental illness, later can't bear or tell the teacher, the teacher gave me mother let mother go to see the psychological doctor, take about a month medicine, illness and improve, but I am poor families can't afford the expenses, eat for a long time did not eat, aggravation of suspension. There was no study pressure at home, so I went to study again after about half a year. I still have a tense relationship with my roommates. Now I feel sorry for them. I have great pressure from study and it is difficult to operate. Began to have curiosity to the opposite sex, saw the roommate's small pornography, the feeling is very depressed. My teacher would not let me go to the internship, saying that I would have an accident. She persuaded me to quit, and I had no choice but to drop out of school. I still hate that teacher, who never cared about me and always discriminated against me. I came back home without a degree, and I had planned to repeat another school, but it was too difficult, so I had to go to work. I had no technology and no degree, and I had a bad personality. I felt that MY life was over. I did several jobs on and off, but they didn't last long. My mother was not in good health, and I did not pay attention to her health because of Internet addiction. She collapsed in 2013, with cerebral hemorrhage accompanied by various sequelae. I resigned to take care of her at home. I had a relapse, and I thought about dying, but I held on because of my mom, and she died of a heart attack a few months ago due to my negligence.

I feel like I can't go on. I look back on my life and I feel like a failure. I look at those inspirational stories and I wonder why MY body is sound but my mind is not. At one point, he wanted to commit suicide.

I don't know the story behind him. I just see my life through him. It's not terrible to die.

I have nostalgia for this world, but also unbearable burden, I feel wandering in the edge of life and death, still alive maybe just afraid of death or unwilling.

I used to think that the world is not fair, but now LOOKING back on the whole life, I really did not suffer anything, I had ambitious moments, but always could not stick to it for long. People say that it is better to live than to die, but it also needs courage to live. I hope I can die on impulse and have no courage to go on. I used to try so hard not to think about it, but it just kept getting worse. Now that I've lost my mom, I have to face it. I know, I suck, but I can't figure out why I'm so screwed up.