Where are you? This isn't for me

Twiddling my fingers, I stare out the window, feeling the creeping tendrils of anxiety slowly wrapping themselves around my heart. It's not just a sensation in my mind; it pulses through me, filling every beat of my heart. The rhythmic thumping pounds in my ears: thump... thump... thump. The music playing in the background, once a comfort, now fades into an indistinct hum. The lyrics, once filled with meaning, now only stir the emotions I’ve tried so desperately to suppress. I am scared—terrified—of never knowing who you are. I wonder, are you someone I already know, someone I talk to every day, or are you miles away, a distant soul I’ve yet to meet? These questions plague my mind, gnawing at my sense of purpose, my direction. I keep questioning whether this life, this path I’m on, is meant for you just as much as I question if it’s truly meant for me.

I often wonder where you are. Are you searching for me too? Or are you living your life, unaware that somewhere out here, I’m waiting for you, longing for you? There's this strange dissonance within me. I don’t belong in the outside world; I never quite fit. Social gatherings, meeting new people, the surface-level conversations that never go deep enough to scratch at the heart of who I am—they exhaust me. I crave something real, something tangible, but it seems just out of reach. I don’t understand who’s genuine anymore. There are masks everywhere, layers of pretense that people wear. I despise the stage of small talk, the artificial games we play, the constant uncertainty. Why does there have to be a "stage" at all before a real connection forms? Why can’t we skip the formalities, the unnecessary drama, and just see each other, truly?

I want to belong to one person—just one. Someone I can trust implicitly, someone who makes me feel safe, loved, and seen in a world that too often looks past me. Do you feel the same? Do you also yearn for that kind of deep connection, for a partnership that goes beyond words and gestures, to the very core of who we are? Wherever you are, do you need me in your life as much as I need you in mine? I want to believe that somewhere out there, you are waiting for me too, maybe even as impatiently as I am for you.

I imagine what it would feel like to finally find you. I want to hear our heartbeats sync, to feel the comforting weight of your arm around me as we sleep. I want to wake up in the middle of the night, not to silence or loneliness, but to the sound of your peaceful snores beside me. The thought of breathing in the simple rhythm of your presence next to me fills me with a sense of calm I can hardly describe. There’s a certain magic in that thought, a magic I can’t wait to experience.

I long to express my love without fear, without hesitation. I want my anxieties to melt away in the certainty of your embrace, knowing that you’re my person, my safe place. The unknown terrifies me. The uncertainty of not knowing who you are, where you are, or when you’ll arrive looms over me like a shadow I can’t shake. But even through that fear, I need you to know that I already love you. Even now, with all the unknowns, I’ve prayed for you. I’ve written letters in my Bible, quietly dreaming of the man you’ll be, of the life we’ll build together.

I imagine you as someone brave, yet tender. A hopeless romantic like me, someone strong yet soft, with a gentleness reserved only for me. I picture you as someone who leads with grace, but who finds peace in the quiet moments, just as I do. I hope you come soon. I hate the waiting, the not knowing when or how or if we’ll ever meet. But I hold on to the hope that you’re out there, that one day, all of this waiting will make sense. Because I know I deserve you just as much as you deserve me.