When Reality of Mismanaged Finances Hit Me, I Found I Had Been Living in Denial

How long can you spend living the same day on a repeat?

For me the answer was precisely six months.

No, I did not run away from work, I did not shut myself from meeting people infact I did make some beautiful memories.

I was just closing my eyes firmly to my crumbling finances and used any means I can use - work, run, date, heart breaks and shopping as a escape route to think of something else other than my depleting resources.

But I was in denial of the financial state I am at. Debt was eating up 60% of my salary. No savings.

Being a 30 something single woman in times with plenty of financial knowledge available in the internet, it's humiliating to confess this - I am drowning in debt, not supporting my family the way I should be being the source of income for my family apart from my sister.

I had systematically brought myself into this and first step to recovery is acknowledgement of all my sources of escapism with the hope that it may help the reader too:

The blame game

I spent a year like all the previous ones blaming my father for his money mismanagement.

I blamed him for all the things he did not bother giving us - a car, a comfortable home, savings for marriage just because he had spent all the last bit of money on my sister’s education. No, he will not get them all back once our property sells because it goes to the money lenders.

While lot of the blame stories I ranted had truth behind it, I was refusing to see the ultimate reality.

Yes, he screwed up - Big time. But blaming him won't solve any.

I have to step up. No family is perfect and mine is no different.

I can keep the anger bubbling at all the wonders we were denied but guess what - I was becoming him in the process. My fear was becoming a reality.

A decade down the lane I would still be the same, with wrinkles and little more grey hair calling out my 70-year-old dad for his mistakes from the last.

This had to stop. Like now.

I am taking responsibility for my life. I am also taking responsibility for getting my family back on track. No matter how long it's going to take.

I am letting my resentment go.

A wounded heart as a means to forget reality

A search for a real relationship is not easy.

I do not mean to say only a financially secure person is capable of searching for love.

There is no pain free route to dating. In the process of playing a trial and error with my feelings, time had become my first victim.

I brooded over the person who left me without a word and only to appear back. The delayed and unanswered texts left me heartbroken. Then came the next and the pattern remained the same.

I was emulating a relationship with people who did not want to invest as much as I wished they did. I was building illusions and living in them.

I spent a lot of time nursing and licking my wounds, resorting to eating junk food, skipping on my routines - all because my feelings were hurt.

Yes, they were but I did use it as my weapon to forget reality back home and the realities of my bank balances.

Somehow, finding a loveable person seemed an antidote to all my suffering. All my focus was aimed at it.

And to no one’s surprise I failed miserably.

What I learnt is this - relationships need effort but in the pursuit of getting into one, I should not lose sight of my life that's at stake.

My time is precious.

“This just cannot be happening to me!”

I am a good person. I am kind, brilliant and 100 other things random strangers who have no idea about me, add to my Instagram feeds. I deserve a great life I am told - bullshit.

Rashmi - Wake up!

No certifications of merit from the past, praises from my mom nor scrolling through empty-calorie motivation from social media can hide the fact that my current life is messed up and it's not OK!

There is one side of my ego ranting that I have not living up to the promising person my teachers envisioned me to be. Not even a 2% I tell you - Dear Carolin miss, sorry for ever believing in me.

There is the other side listing down my kindness, dedication and ambition (to do something) and crying out loud that life has been unfair to me when people with much less skills (and written off by teachers) are living better lives.

There are two truths to the above beliefs:

1. Life is Unfair

2. I had been delusional

The only way to sort this mess and get back on the track is to look first and get right into it to the mess. There is no pretty way of doing this and even if there are people who can do it systematically with not a bit of mud on their dress, then bless them - I am not that person.

I cannot control what can happen to me but I may very well do whatever is possible from my current position.

And from where I see it there is a lot of small things I can start doing one by one.

Final Thoughts

I got my dose of reality this week and I am trembling.

But guess what, no one's coming to save me. Taking responsibility and staying alert are skills I will need in this process. I will educate myself on finances and bring a good deal of awareness into my spending patterns.

It's a long journey ahead but hey, at least I am awake.

And here you have it - I am giving my blaming my family for good and work with them, prioritise my purpose over letting feelings control my day and focus on my life instead of overthinking.