When did single middle-aged women become the enemy?

This morning I woke up in a panic and cold sweats. Then once I was fully awake, I realized it was still dark outside, and I was alone.

Alone, that was not part of the nightmare, but it weighs heavily on my mind. I am alone; I am not lonely but alone.

I may have been watching too much YouTube; since I live abroad, the passport bros movement has infiltrated my channel, and out of curiosity, I watched one or two.

Ok, I admit I binged.

Between that and getting older and being alone, I have convinced myself I will die alone with my future cats, dogs, and bees. Never in my life have I ever been so concerned with this; I meet people all the time, and if it clicks, we end up going out or dating, and if it is not meant to be, we remain friends.

It could also be the ending of my last relationship looming; was he my last chance for happiness?

It keeps encircling my brain like a mosquito that will not go away. It could be the mean things he said to me about why we broke up; it could be that he snuck into that part of myself that I am the most insecure about.

No, it is not being alone; it is that no one will want me. I know it makes no sense at all, but here we are.

You are probably wondering what the dream was about. Was it me alone on a rocking chair alone with no one; no?

That sounds like a dream; the nightmare was that I was still with him and worried that he was cheating on me. I know, sick and twisted, that he can still get into me.

Maybe because he was younger than me, and on all these passport bros or any political show, they are obsessed with putting down those of us who do not have children or a family.

I wonder whether I screwed it up somewhere along the lines. Is it my fault? The media makes it seem like anything wrong in the world is because we females have decided that we are no longer submissive?

When I am dating and in a healthy relationship, I do everything I love to do, the typical household womanly things, but I also love a man that will share the burden, primarily if we both work.

Do I love to cook his favorite meal? Yes? Do I also love when he brings me coffee and does the dishes? Yes.

Why are we always fighting with ourselves?

My ex did contribute. He cooked me dinner, made me coffee, and did not expect me to be a little Susie homemaker because I am not. We are adults, we both worked, and we shared the responsibilities.

Yet it appears to be shoved down my throat that I will be single forever if I am not a domestic goddess. It is messing with me; I need to block all these channels.

I see value in if you have children and want to be a housewife, then do it; if you do not, then do not. It is like we are at war with ourselves, which we are if you ask me.

When will we start accepting people for who they are?

The fact that I am independent used to be a good quality; now, it has become something to be looked down upon.

I have never expected to be cared for, yet I am not a feminist. I am also not a doormat.

I am in the middle, and those of us in the middle are taking a beating. I have never in my life felt so beside myself, and that is saying a lot coming from the black sheep of the family.

Choosing to travel and giving up everything I know just for people to say you are not ¨domesticated, ¨ you have your mind and opinions, which is wrong, according to this new movement.

I thought the 1950s were over; it is almost like we are going back in time or going so far forward that a man is now replacing a woman. Can we all get along?

I respect you for what you decide to do with your life, and you respect mine. I love you for who you are, but if you are mean and try to change or control me, I will allow the trash to take itself out.

If you want to move abroad to find love, do it, I sure have.

Yet I do not tell men or women that it is because they are awful and attack my own; I will never attack someone for following their heart.

We forget that we are individuals, and the call for unity is even more vital than ever; as I watch the Western world continue to be divided, can you not see it is all a ploy?

We are all falling right into the trap that has been laid. I will keep my ears and eyes open and try not to get too wrapped up in such meaningless games.

“War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.¨ 1984 George, Orwell

XOXO

S.

Originally published here.