When A Toxic Past Won't Let Go

This is going to read as some cautionary tale of the perils of online friendships so let me begin by saying that this is not my first rodeo with a toxic person.

I was raised in a close-knit family, so much so, that I honestly consider my cousins to be more like my brothers. We did everything together. We went to the same schools, were always at each other's houses, we even wrote stories together. My mother and my aunt (now ex-wife of my father's brother) were just as inseparable as my cousins and I. After all, they were the ones looking after us as we played.

My aunt felt like a constant in my life. She was a lot to handle, abrasive and loud on her best days, but we were a family and thus we dealt with the little dramas that stirred up. That was until about a decade ago when my aunt formed an issue that the family could not overcome. It was an overwhelming time in my life. I had never lost someone in such a way and the years that followed were only made more difficult by the snide comments made on social media that drew us all back to the fight.

The rift affected all of us. People I used to talk to nearly every day turned to people I occasionally speak to on holidays and events. Though matters have slowly gotten better between my cousins and I over the years the lack of trust or forgiveness I harbored in my heart for my aunt only festered. Though she reached out to me once the conversation was not a particularly good one. She could not take responsibility for her actions and thus nothing was resolved then.

My mother and I spoke of the matter sometimes. She had long since forgiven my aunt though she knew she would never trust her again as she once had. I was more like my father, unable to forgive since my aunt had never taken responsibility for her actions. I could easily ignore her, cut her and others out of my life and social media so I did not have to deal with the matter. Out of sight, out of mind, though the rift affected how I partook in relationships moving forward.

I did not want to be at the mercy of a vindictive horrible person again. I have been better at spotting the signs for these overwhelming personalities out there in real life versus my online life. The anonymity of the internet makes it difficult to truly know a person and their intentions. People used mental illness, whether it truly affected them or not I will never know, as a shield for their toxic behavior. I learned to cut my losses with people that brought me no joy.

For the most part, I never had to deal with them again. That was the beauty of the vast roleplay online community, that I could always branch out onto another world with other writers to make something new with them.

For more on the world of RP (roleplay) please click here for a previous article of mine on the subject.

Indifference was the armor I wore. It felt silly to let these online dramas affect me too deeply. I have always been an empathetic person but there had to be limits to what I would allow someone to drain me of. I was no one's therapist nor was I going to allow someone to bully me into actions I did not wish to take. My approach was always one of fairness and equality, even if the people involved did not really stand up to those same standards.

What mattered to me most was the stories being written not everyone's little feelings. In order to preserve an environment where creativity and not mindless distraction would reign I had to learn how to push people aside that were really only around to cause problems. This was a very trial and error process. Toxic behavior has its tall-tale signs.

Gaslighting was a popular emotional manipulation used to create doubt in what was really going on. Those that did the attacking would often pretend to be the victims, crying wolf every chance they got, mostly for attention though I would imagine also because it gave them a chance to project their issues onto others. Honestly, psychology students really should take a peak into the RP online community, it is free access into a world where people can get so diluted about themselves and their own actions that they harbor those negative feelings for years and years.

I'll admit that this kind of behavior affected me deeply at times. I have cried over RP dramas, I have found myself tossing and turning all night over some online fight, but as I got older I realized it was in my hands to decide what I would let affect me. The anonymity of the internet could work in my favor if I let it. All I had to do was block people and never speak to them again or let them into any new sites and stories that were being created. It was that simple.

This is a personal account and thus the story is skewed to my perspective.

Several years ago, I became acquainted with an online friend that I will refer to as Queen. It was a rather dramatic meeting, since we came together with two others (Joe and Princess for lack of better fake names) when we created a sort of sanctuary site after the one we had all been on collapsed due to the selfishness of one of those toxic online people. In quick summary, that toxic person refused to let go of administrative control of the site and decided instead to ruin people's hard writing work rather than let the writers move on without them.

The sanctuary site had a rocky start. Not only were difficult writers from the previous site trying to bring their negativity to this one but I had a clashing personality with the other creators. Queen, Joe and Princess were not people of patience. I admired them for their give-no-fucks attitudes but I also often had to be the voice of reason to promote equality instead of pettiness.

It often did not work out in my favor since the people I insisted we were fair to were also assholes with nothing better to do than to make an online drama. In the end though, we were seen as a site led my reasonable people and the community grew because of that. The creativity took off like a lightning bolt. Most of the site was made up of my original ideas but I did not mind sharing my creativity with others. After all, they contributed their own way in terms of coding and administration.

Joe and Princess ended up moving on from the site but we took on a writer I'll call Fox who aided in making the site even more creative and unique. Though there were always tensions between Queen and I on how to run the site, our problems really began halfway through our three years running it. I will add this before I get into that drama, at this point in our friendship I had actually visited Queen in her home country and had even spent Christmas with her and her family. In my mind, we were beyond online friends.

There was an issue between our members. Granted, both sides of the issue were to blame for it but it seemed I was the only one that was going to address that. According to Queen, her friends had done nothing wrong and she chose to play favoritism with them against the other writer. Though Queen had always been alarmingly against the fair treatment of other writers I was shocked she would stoop so low in this. Despite not particularly liking the person Queen and her friends had set themselves against I found I had no choice but to stand up for them in this matter.

It became a matter that split the administration team. I'll admit I was not at my best in this moment, I definitely reacted very strongly especially when I called out the toxic behavior and favoritism taking place. It could have been handled with more grace on my part and when this matter came to a head I did apologize for my part in it. I was never granted an apology back, of course, but I chose to be the bigger person and move on from the matter.

After all, all three of the members (thing 1 and thing 2 vs. the crier) that had started the issue left the site on their own accord so there was no reason to keep harboring anything over it. I certainly would not trust those that in the course of the issue disrespected me but if Queen chose to keep associating with those writers that was her choice to make. Often times over the course of the next five months both the crier and the things tried to goad me into rehashing this issue. As annoyed as I was about many of the things they said I did not let myself be pushed back into it.

The only mistake I made was thinking that ignoring the instigators would mean that Queen would too. It started as little disagreements over what to do with this aspect of the site or the other. Oftentimes Fox had to referee between Queen and I just to get a matter settled. On my part, it was never a matter of anything personal but for Queen any disagreement I made was seen as disrespectful. It became increasingly clear that she thought her authority overshadowed not only my own but that of Fox who had been an administrator on the site for nearly a year by then.

Finally, a few days before my little sister's eighteenth birthday which was a huge deal in my family for obvious reasons, Queen decided that she no longer wanted to administrate on the sanctuary site. The catch was that she had changed all the passwords to the main account of the site and refused to hand the power over. The very issue that had created the sanctuary site was presenting itself just a few months shy of its third year anniversary.

I had a difficult choice to make. I could watch the site I had built and poured so much of my creativity crumble to pieces because of someone else's vanity or I could let it go. It did not feel right to let it go. It felt like letting someone bully me into an action I did not want to make. It felt like a dismissal of all the efforts I had gone through in order to keep this sanctuary site up and running. It felt like my story was no longer my own.

Again though, I chose to be the bigger person and thought of what was best for the site and the writers upon it. All that was asked by Fox and I (Fox was not asked to leave but she left in solidarity anyway over the forced nature of the matter) was that a plot that Fox had come up with was not used on the site. This was agreed upon by Queen and we all parted ways. Though there were follow-up issues of cyberstalking and coding being used against the consent of the owner of it the drama eventually died down.

Fox and I created a new site which has been more successful than the original. We even reunited with Joe and Princess to help facilitate the new site. Though the one thing we asked for when leaving was not honored we did our best to try to move on from the constant slights. After all, there are no RP police to turn to when your original ideas and coding work are stolen. It has been nine months with no contact from Queen since the incident. The sanctuary site crumbled without Fox and I there to run it, which honestly surprised no one, but it still made me sad to see it have such a pathetic ending.

I had hoped the worst of it was over. I cannot speak for the others but I had tried my best to move on from the matter. In my mind, there was no point in continuing to poke at an old scab. With Queen blocked on all the social tools RP writers use I figured I would not have to keep dealing with her drama. I recently put out a request on an online RP forum where people could advertise their sites to me if they fit the request.

Imagine my surprise when one of the suggestions commented was from Queen for one of her sites.

About a month ago, after a decade of bad blood between us, my aunt reached out to my mother wanting to meet and speak with her. My father and I were wary, sure that this would only lead to more trouble and attempts at emotional manipulation, but my mother went anyway to meet with my aunt. She was gone all day and aside from the occasional answered text letting us know she was alright we had no idea what was happening.

When my mother came home, she looked absolutely bewildered. She came and told my father and I that my aunt had not only apologized for all the pain and devastation she had caused, she also took full responsibility for her actions. Through sobs, my aunt owned up to the toxicity she had allowed to fester over the years. Never in a million years did I ever think someone as seemingly far gone as my aunt was would ever admit such things.

The trust that was lost may never be earned back again but to know that someone could change was fresh in my mind as I looked over this Queen comment. This was not a happy ending however. There was no mention in the comment at all about the years-long relationship we had once had. Instead, Queen simply promoted her site to me as if I was a stranger.

Again, I had a choice about what to do. I could accept this gaslighting, this misguided attempt to get my attention and let myself be goaded into another battle. Or I could simply have the request thread archived. Others had commented with their own references and among them I found plenty of worthy sites to throw my creativity into. The thread had served its purpose so I asked the administrators of the online RP forum to archive the thread.

I had wanted to report the comment but there was nothing outwardly vicious about it. I knew that reporting that this person was someone toxic from my past would not get me anywhere nor would it get the comment deleted from my post. The only thing within my power was to close that avenue of communication and so I did.

Stranger things have happened. If my aunt could finally accept and apologize for the things she had done I honestly believe anyone can. I don't know why Queen would try to start up another drama with me. Whether she simply wanted my attention or to be rude does not really matter. What I do know is that it was within my power to close the path that was set before us both and I am glad I did.

I do not believe there can be forgiveness in my heart unless apologies were made for the actions taken. I am certainly not the kind of person to pretend away matters that once affected me deeply. In a perfect world, I would not have to deal with this person trying to invade my space again but that is not my reality. I still hope Queen finds a way to move on. I don't know why she would reach out in the bizarre way she did but what I do know is that I do not have to answer the call for attention.

My part in the battle is long over.