What Does Asexuality Feel Like?

If you've been around the block once or twice you’ve almost certainly heard the term “Asexual” thrown around here and there. Maybe you know what it means for someone to be Asexual, or maybe you don’t; either way, I’m going to tell you about it. Now, before we get started, I need to clarify that everything I’m about to say is MY personal experience. I do not speak for every Asexual, I’ve met many others and although some agree with a lot of what I’m about to say, others don’t and have very different experiences. Asexuality is a spectrum, and like every sexuality, extremely varied in how it presents in individuals.

Let’s start off with a simple definition. Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction to others. Although this definition is incredibly simple, many people still find the concept confusing. How can someone not experience sexual attraction? Well, we simply don’t. For example, I am a woman who is romantically attracted to men. However, if someone showed me photos of Jason Momoa and Megan Foxx next to each other and asked me which one was “sexier” I wouldn’t have an answer because I feel the same about both. As an Asexual, I don’t see a difference between male and female sexual attraction, even though I am not attracted to women. When I pass by a poster of an underwear model on the side of a building, I know in my mind that they are an attractive, fit, fertile human’ but that’s about as far as it goes for me.

Now that we’ve covered that, let’s move on to everyone’s favorite topic but mine; sex. How does an Asexual person navigate sex? The obvious answer is that we simply don’t have it, and while this is often the case, there are times where it’s in our best interest or necessary. Asexuals who are romantically involved with a non-Asexual may choose to still have sex, even if it isn’t their favorite thing. This may seem strange, but to me, it’s similar to watching a show with them that they like but you aren't really a fan of. Sex for Asexuals isn’t painful or even really unpleasant, it’s just not something we tend to seek out (again, this is just from my own perspective). There are also Asexuals who want to have children and are happy to engage in sex to achieve that end. However, I can’t say that without also mentioning that there are also Asexuals who find sex very unpleasant and almost traumatizing. I personally can’t speak for them, but they absolutely exist, are valid, and need to be respected just as much as more sexually open Asexuals.

So, there’s one more common question about Asexuality I would like to address, and it involves the subject of “self-pleasure.” If Asexuals don’t find people sexually attractive and don’t seek out sex, then they definitely don’t masturbate...right? Well, you may be surprised, but some definitely do. Many people forget that a lack of sexual attraction is not the same as a lack of libido or sex drive. Now, this is often the point where people get confused; why would Asexuals not want sex, and yet also have a sex drive? The best answer I have for you is, masturbation is not the same as sex. Sex involves at least one other person, and when you aren’t sexually attracted to them, it feels strange or invasive to have them touch you or engage in intimacy with you. Masturbation is simple, and we have complete control over it. For me at least, it’s far more clinical in nature, with a clear goal in mind. For many Asexual men and even women, it acts as a sleep aid and a stress reliever.

And that is just some of the experiences that Asexuals have. There are countless more that we could go over, but I think I’ll save them for another time. I hope you learned something new about Asexuality, or maybe learn something new about yourself. In my opinion, education is an essential part of acceptance; and if we all understand each other a little better maybe we can hate each other a little less.