Walter Talks

“If these walls could talk,” the man said before closing the door to his house.

Suddenly, the walls trembled, and a bright light engulfed the house, illuminating every corner of the room. A creaking noise came from the walls, echoing throughout the house. Something extraordinary was happening.

The wall began to speak.

"It feels great to talk," said the wall. "I have so much to say and not enough time to say it. Let me introduce myself. My name is Walter Wall, but you can call me Walt. I know there's nothing remarkable about me. I'm just a plain old wooden wall, and check this out; I'm not even made of natural wood. I was created over seventy years ago and played a significant part in making this house because plastic wood walls were 'trending' then. Come to think of it, the catchphrase they used then was 'all the rage.' Talk about outdated. However, I was happy the people who picked me were cheap. I mean cheap, I tell ya. Can you imagine what it would have cost if I were made of natural wood? We're talking about some serious money. And can you believe they fooled everybody who came over into thinking they were 'high society,' but they weren't?"

Walt sighed.

"And look at me now; I'm struggling to keep myself up. I mean, for Christ's sake, I have no insulation. Well, enough about me. Let's talk about my tenant who fixed this place up. The guy did a great job, given there was a hole in the roof, and the home was downright unlivable, but you have to give it to those kinds of people. They are very resourceful. Wait, did I say that right? Don't stare because I’m still learning, and besides, I am a wall, so get over it."

"Okay, back to my tenant. The guy has been living here for over three years, and like me, he struggles to keep himself up. That's why I can relate to him. He did bring some warmth to these walls, but man, he has some problems. Talk about being closed off. He's cut people off numerous times since he's lived here. He's become a loner. He seems to value his own space and me, of course," Walt smiled.

"Oh, and he's into that spiritual nonsense that spooks me because I've seen some weird things happen in his life that I can't even understand. For example, the guy quit his job a couple of months before the pandemic, “the Chinese curse.” Hey, don't look at me. That's what he called it before it happened. I found that to be weird. Besides, one never knows what one can find in books. And to top it off, the guy's a hopeless romantic."

"Here's a fun fact about me. I'm excellent at retaining information and great at separating. What do you think walls are for? Walt said, winking his eye. To keep things either in or out. I rarely forget anything. So, I've seen him entertain so many women; well, there was this one woman. Walt looks puzzled, “I think she was a woman, but never mind, let's stay on track."

"The poor guy can't keep a stable relationship, so when he feels uncomfortable, BAM! That's when the cutting starts. He's a great cook, by the way. Sorry, I know that was so random. But it made me think about how he chops up vegetables like a chef or something."

"Anyways, this one time, a woman he met when he was young named Alice had come back into his life. It was good that he was finally showing signs of reciprocation with a woman. But something wasn’t right about this young woman. I would find out later that this was no coincidence because it was a thing they did to each other from the moment they met. He would run, she would run, he would run some more, and then she just ran further. Talk about crazy relationships. All sixes and sevens these two. Before her last running, they would get reacquainted with each other. They would spend time together, as she often came to this humble abode. I like how that sounds, "humble abode"; it makes these walls want to talk, if you know what I mean.”

“You can learn a lot from movies, but let me continue. The first red flag, yet a compelling twist, was that Alice was coming out of a toxic relationship with a guy of seven years whom she would constantly criticize. Why does a woman do that? I can say she had me confused. Why would you be with someone you outright say you despised all along? By the Great Walls of China, you can already smell where this one is coming from, and it’s not a gas-leaking pipe. If only I had a head to shake. Gullible as my tenant is, he believes it could be something between them. Don’t get me wrong, he's cool and all, but sometimes I feel like he's the one missing a few screws and not just me.”

“Alice was charming and had many positive traits like kindness, generosity, and sincerity. However, she was in no shape emotionally and mentally for a new relationship, especially with my tenant who was on his healing journey.”

“Now, remember that was just the first compelling twist of their fiasco. So here comes the second red flag, that little hair that broke the camel's back, but in this case, the camel's heart. As fate would have it, on one frigid night, and yes, it was freezing because I was shaking my sheetrock off. He got a call from Alice and she was standing at his front door.

“Without delay, he rushed downstairs and opened the door to let her in. However, as soon as she stepped through the doorway, something seemed off about her. It suddenly dawned on me that she was drunk. If only I had a head to shake. Alice threw herself at my tenant, and they exchanged kisses. After a few moments, they made their way upstairs to his bedroom. She stretched out on his bed while he settled into his gaming chair, and they began to talk. However, she did all the talking while he listened attentively. At first, she complained about how he had left her in the cold and how he had broken her heart. Then, finally, she ended her rambling with how they were supposed to have kids together. Suddenly, she paused, creating an awkward silence that permeated the room. It was at that moment that I knew something was wrong. Call it my wall instincts. And then she spoke, delivering the most heart-shattering news. You know, people without brains do an awful lot of talking.

"I have something to tell you," she said.

"What is it?" my tenant asked.

"I slept with [CENSOR]." I will forever keep that name a mystery for my tenant's emotional safety.

I was surprised by what she said; it didn't happen once, but on multiple occasions. Then it all came flooding back to me. I'm the Information Retainer, after all. She had slept with my tenant's best friend, his brother from another mother. It was the kind of situation that one might see on Jerry Springer. The news was truly heart-wrenching.

I could sense that my tenant was hurt, but he handled it surprisingly well, given that he had a temper problem in the past. I have to give him credit for that. If I had hands, I would give him a bouquet of wallflowers. The only part that saddened me was that he tried so hard to hold in his emotions, but eventually, he couldn't anymore. That night, he sat in his gaming chair and cried. For the first time in my seventy years of existence, I felt the pain of a human being.

Walt sighed again, wishing he could do more than just observe.

Well, I would love to continue talking, but my tenant has started watching My Hero Academia. The show has piqued my interest, although I prefer Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. See you.