Voided Cavern

It is strange to be surrounded by so many friends and yet feel so lonely. It was not that the fact that there wasn’t any common interest. We all took the Same classes and was given the same assignments. However it just felt like it was never enough. Was this how Princess Kaguya felt when she took one look at the moon? Or am I doomed to be alone forever searching to fill this impossible black void I feel within my own heart?

In my early stages of life I was the middle child, the odd one out . The one who stook out the most. Because I was strange and too friendly I was a target for bullying up until 7th grade. Everything started to change when I made friends but never got too close. I sat at the middle of the table between between two groups of people with different ideals. I became the girl who was friends with everyone andd yet neither. I and one or two best friends but one of them moved just like my very first best friend from kindergarten. If they had stayed my world would’ve been so much better and school life would’ve been so much bearable. But I had to learn the hard way that things and people come and go.

I thought of myself as a lone wolf but even lone wolves find a place where they belong. I thought of myself as a fox for they never run in packs. I started to convince myself that I was perhaps a natural born leader , but no one not even animals take me seriously.

Lost I continued to wonder in my own cavern of loneliness. Searching for a way to free myself. Instead I became a misfits among misfits by the time I went to High school and then college. I had went to an art school that was transitioning into a liberal arts school. Still there was a lot of people who was into art and anime.

We would all hang out in the back of the lunch room while the rest of the students had their own world. Sure there were popular kids and bullying going on here and there, but they did not matter for our cliché was huge. Still I felt lonely inside. So I dwelled deeper into story telling and had this goal to make manga (Japanese comics).

I had five friends who would encourage me but there was some who told me to give up and move on from making manga. They said things like “It s too hard” or “Everything has to be perfect and proportioned.” There was even this one guy in my class who constantly mocked me because I did not draw too well. I knew I had potential but he would always laugh at me. It wasn’t until I dabbled at drawing chibi that he wanted to show me more about it. That he said I was actually good at drawing. So I asked my aunt for a how to draw chibi book for Christmas and together me and the guy would draw. Well it was more like he showed me his way of drawing chibi. I had so much fun but it did not last because he had to move. Later on in life he did appreciated how much I had grown as an artist , but then he still was a narcisstic jerk so I stayed away from him.

In my collage years I was still trying to make manga. I still was not all that great but I did learn a lot of art techniques despite going to a community college. I found more friends who were into anime and manga. We also had the same classes. They were also encouraging me but I still felt lonely like I didn’t quite fit.

I started to question if it was the way I was thinking? I thought of pretty weird stories instead of anything mainstream. Was it because I said weird things from time to time? Even though I was more quiet and to myself more I had still had friends who loved me for me.

When I dropped out of college those same friends like in H.s became like familiar strangers. Life had taken an ugly twist of things, however I still had my goals. Along the way my interest panned out to cosplaying designing my own way of making a costume . I even had a group who liked the notion of doing theatrical things . But everything went south. I ended up doing all the work and no one took me seriously. I had to disband the group essentially because no one took it seriously as I did. They all saw it as a hobby.

So I continued on my journey and more people at events and chat groups. The pattern continued but finally two people remained. I would talk to them about my issues and both of them listen. They had different goals in mind from me which was fine but I had learned to be vulnerable . Still I felt like I didn’t quite belong. My depression came back and I would loath being alive.

I sought out help and got myself evaluated by a therapist. I felt something within me was off so I got checked out. From there I was told that I have syphons ADHD. When I told my friends about it , I was reminded that one of them was Autistic and the other one had A.D.D. They had reassured me that I will be okay. They went through similar issues with parents and friendships. So I thought that s it! All this time I was restless. The moment I took the time to listen to their stories I realized that we were all going through the same things. They had taught me to be grounded within myself . And now I can see the end of the tunnel.