Turns in life

Life takes a turn day after day. There were a few months of pure happiness on my end. I woke up with passion in my heart. Direction on my soul. Kindness in my heart. Then it hit me I needed help. I woke up to realize I was all alone. The fact that I was once surrounded was a mystery. I then realized I could not help anymore.

I try to encourage myself to do good at every possible moment. I am flawed I'm human after all. I began crying a few times a day for a few weeks. There were times I knew why. Then others I just had no idea why. I realized just how alone I was in this world. Living 6 blocks from my siblings I barely see.

I have no real person to blame outside of myself. I am paranoid about things normal to the world. I had to live a loner life to protect myself. I since met a sweet person and he makes me laugh. he often says you are scared of the day and the night. That is my clue that he understands much more than I have opened up to him about. I turn down all invites to the outside world. My biggest joy is the few minutes I spend at the casino alone. About 20 mins entertain my soul. home feeling joyful. I am 54 years old and I love my life.

Part of me feels if something does not change. I might wake up with regret.

When I do wake up I am filled with love for myself. My home and the wonderful sleep I was blessed with. My day belongs to me from sun up to sun down. What more could make me happier? Well, crafting paper makes me happy. Phone calls that provide laughter lift my mood. During the time of my deep depression, I could not craft.

I also found my dearest online friends were suffering the same way. I wanted to be strong for them as well.

I realized one of my struggles was going outside. I have so many fears that others would laugh about. Like I said it is just stuff that is normal to life. Would you believe it if I told you a single bag blowing could kill me? Yep, that is true. I would panic to the point of running into a moving car. The other day walking a man was crossing with a pitbull. I could only hold my chest and I begged him not to cross near me.

I darted in the street while screaming at the car coming to a stop. I went into the store out of fear and in tears. I almost fell to the floor but I managed to maintain myself. That day I found some pretty hearts. I fell in love with them. I went home with the urge to craft some cards. I piled some supplies on the dining table. The one place I want to keep neat. I ended up with another video and love of my cards.

I have been crafting for the past few days. I love it my groove is back. My fears won't go away today maybe never. I have to accept life as it comes. My crafting is the best part of my day. I have to learn to live with some fears not changing. Challenging myself to accept little changes along the way.

Depression is real just like water and the wind. I can't control anything outside of myself trying to make sweetness out of the sourness. It might turn out to mean the best thing to you as well. if you read this scribble this long. Thank you deeply.