Today Is A New Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 24TH, 2021 :

What the fuck did I do to myself…This is my life, the life that I chose and I chose this? Really Melissa? I need to get my shit together….GSD….Get Shit Done! Look at me! Waking up I look around my trailer and there is no flooring, foil on the windows with no curtains, a disorganized array of everything… It’s windy and rainy outside, I have piles of shit and shit filling the small space I call a yard. I have no income and at this point, everything is past due. My car got totaled and insurance wouldn’t cover it because it was a hit and run. Everything is fucked up, I’m struggling to get by daily, and it’s all my own fault. This is my life right now, this is really my life, and it is my fault.

There’s a saying “You have to hate where you’re at more than the desire for where you want to be in order to change”. That’s what I say to everyone. Never ever have I felt it so deep in my bones as I do now. Never ever have I truly felt the meaning, until now. Today, almost two months clean.

I should’ve expected this. My getting clean and sober evolution time line shows the six week pattern. It usually takes me about six weeks, to actually wake up feeling normal again. My body finally, completely feeling the way it feels naturally. Sometimes it’s a good feeling, sometimes it’s a struggle, but this time….I can’t even think of appropriate words, that can do it justice; such a hurricane of emotions all coming out at the same time. So overwhelming, I can barely breathe; I feel sick to my stomach; an out burst of tears pouring down my pathetic face, I can’t fathom how I let myself get to this point. I am so disgusted in myself and what I have become, this is not me…I didn’t wake up feeling this was when I was getting high everyday….I slept overnight…

The diaries of an addict…Of a clean addict….

Never before “…that’s been so cold, look at my face, all the stories it will tell I can not erase….” Music is my therapy.

If I am not happy, I need to be the change right? If I can not stand to wake up to the life I am leading, it is my fault. Slap in my face, but I can take it. I deserve it. My daughter always telling me “mom you need to get out of this place…” Me telling myself “the price is right”…”it’s not that bad”… When in actuality I am in hiding. I am hiding from my family, my friends, the ones I love the most, and the one I loved the least, myself.

I am broken, more broken than I ever realized. Last month, for the first time in my life, I woke up genuinely happy. And I thank the higher power for that, because if I did not have a life changing, nearly death experience; that opened my heart and rewarded me with the desire to live. I do not know what my next decisions of self inflicting pain would have been.

Waking up each morning feeling fortunate to be alive is a blessing. A blessing that did not grace my body until recently. Appreciating the small things that have no materialistic measurements, but are the most meaningful and valuable instances we will ever experience in our entire life. Recognizing and embracing this new, exciting feeling of loving life. A weight lifted off my heart. It is so amazing. I am so grateful and thankful to finally feel a sense of peace and comfort, never in my life have I ever felt before.

This is what I need to remind myself of today. I have already conquered the hardest step. I tell myself, “I am clean and sober, you can do this”. Now it’s time to face the reality of reconciling the downward spiral I let my descend into for so long. Time for me to stop crying, “ If your big girl panties don’t work, put your granny panties on” and face the day. I am not going to lie, my desire for an alcoholic drink right now is extremely strong. Alcohol is not even my drug of choice. Maybe, lately I have been substituting one addiction for the other. “Not today Melissa. Not today.” I tell myself.

“Swallowed his pain as he slowly fell apart….” As I stand, my body is full of anxiety, every muscle tightened and I have to literally shake this feeling from each limb of my body in order to take a step forward. “You can do this, you got this Melissa.” It’s okay to tell yourself you can instead of can’t. “Believing you can is half the battle, Melissa…” “You can Melissa, can’t in unacceptable.”

The “normalcy” of this past week and half must have really taken it’s tole on me. Is that what is triggering the way I am feeling? No, my time line shows…

I find myself in my shower,with no door or curtain, water splashing everywhere trying to scrub myself clean from the past me. Hoping to wash away all my faults and bad behaviors. Trying to remain the new original, “So fresh and so clean” Melissa. Brushing my teeth so hard my gums are bleeding. Trying to rid this taste of years of self abuse from my gums. Again, tears falling from my eyes, rolling down my cheeks as the water falling from my shower cleanses them off my face. My emotional breakdown. “Nothing last forever in the cold November rain,” but my past.