To Love and Not Be Loved

I sliced my hand with a pair of scissors in attempt to package my first art print. You wouldn't know how excited I was to send out my very first copy of an original piece.

After graduating from University I'm only now realizing just how much time I've wasted. What exactly was I doing all those years in school? I've got my degree finally and nothing to show for it. I could laugh.

That's probably what hurts the most.

I find myself frustrated and feel like I have no way to put those feelings into words. I just have all these thoughts jumbled up. Figuring out ways to get my art out there into the world. You would think its easy right? Because social media, but with that just comes a larger sea of people who do the exact same thing as you or even better.

But hey, recently I've discovered God. So thats good.

Why is that so great you might ask? Well if you know anything about having faith you would know that God understands how you feel without you having to say.

God knows.

and so I can word blurt without actually blurting words. It's the greatest thing I've ever done for myself as an artist and as a person.

and so at night or in the early mornings I find myself always at a loss for words. Just emotions rolling through my stomach, through my heart and then receding into my mind. I'm no longer yearning to find someone that understands me.

Whether you believe in God or not everyone has something that completely, and utterly understands just who they are deep down. Without you having to explain yourself.

Art is apart of that for me. But at some point I felt like I needed something aside from my art to help me cope.

Gosh as an artist I feel like we are always having to explains ourselves. Like our work, say for instance, its a painting you've done and people want to know what it means. Well I wouldn't say its a bad things to ask that but at the same time. Theres a part of me that feels a bit offended.

Like "why don't you get it?" or "Why do I need to explain that?" "It's meaning should be your own meaning, not mine". I know that sounds like I'm being touchy, but maybe its because I am.

but then I come up with a deep meaning behind my art when theres actually not much depth to it at all. I can only speak for myself but I just want to be as honest as possible.

If you know me, you would know I live and breathe art. Anything creative, I'm in there. From painting, illustration, writing, digital art, graphic design, music, fashion to animation, it's all I ever think about.

Have you ever obsessed over something like that? I'm sure you have.

But now that I'm a young adult, I feel like I've spent too much time day dreaming. The real world hit me and I don't have anything to show for it. I don't have any weapons in my artillery. Just fiction and imagination to battle the world with.

We know how that goes.

But at least I have family to stay with and I sleep on a full stomach by the time night rolls around. But I just wished someone had slapped my in the face real hard years ago, to wake me up. Tell me to get moving and be more aggressive and desperate about my art.

Maybe by now I would have done something useful with myself.

I'm deathly afraid of not feeling accomplished as an artist. Will my dreams just become washed up wilted flowers in the end?

Will I die unsatisfied? I don't want that.

Though no matter what I say, even if I say "I'm done". I would just be lying to myself. My brain and my heart are so indefinitely wired to think about anything/everything artistic. I could never stay away from it.

Til this day I still end up sprouting new artistic dreams and growing more knowledgable about techniques and skills other artist use. I feel that in any kind of passion, a person will always strive to better.

That's just how it goes when you love something that much.

I have one dream that I feel is too big for me to even say out loud but I'm going to say it here.

One day, I'll build my very own animation studio where talented/passionate artist from all around the world will want to work out.

We will create amazing and stunning films loved by all. We will inspire children and remind adults its okay to dream again.

And when I think of that, my heart starts pounding even harder...

Wow

it feels damn good to get that off my chest.

For all my fellow artist out there, I love you and I love you because you are like me.

Crazy, creativity driven, passionate and obsessed with showing the world what its like looking through your rose colored glasses.

From one artist to another

thank you for all your hard work up until now and thank you for all that is to come.