The Weirdest Things I’ve Googled as a Mom

Before I had kids, my Google search history was full of normal things like “cute coffee shops near me” or “how to get beach waves without heat.” Now? I’m one questionable diaper away from having the FBI show up at my door because my search history reads like a horror movie written by a toddler.

When you become a mom, Google turns into your best friend and worst enemy all at once. You swear you’re not going to be that mom who panics and searches every little thing, but spoiler alert: you will be.

Here’s a little peek into the weird, chaotic, and sometimes embarrassing things I’ve actually Googled since becoming a mom. And yes, I’m sharing these with my whole heart (and zero shame).

“How long can a toddler survive on goldfish crackers alone?”

Look. Sometimes dinner is a fight. Sometimes lunch is a suggestion. And sometimes, if we’re being honest, those orange fish-shaped crackers are the only thing keeping the peace. One day I realized my son hadn’t eaten a vegetable in what felt like six years and wondered, “Is he going to get scurvy?” (Turns out, probably not, but maybe we should throw in a banana every now and then.)

“Can you overdose on baby Tylenol?”

At 3 a.m., with a feverish, snotty kid, you will question every dosage chart like you’re solving a NASA launch sequence. I know I triple-check the label, but I still have to ask Google — because when you’re sleep-deprived, math is basically rocket science.

“How to get poop out of carpet/floor/clothes/my soul”

Some days, it’s everywhere. EVERYWHERE. There is no manual for the particular kind of meltdown that happens when you find a trail of toddler poop leading from the bathroom to the kitchen like it’s a horrifying game of Hansel and Gretel. Google has seen it all, and so has my poor carpet cleaner.

“Why does my toddler wake up at 3 a.m. for no reason?”

Google has endless answers: sleep regressions, teething, nightmares, the phases of the moon, or maybe your child just hates you getting REM sleep. The only consistent answer? You’re going to be tired forever.

“How many days in a row can you feed a kid mac and cheese?”

Some weeks, dinner is more about survival than nutrition. I have served macaroni for so many consecutive nights that my son started asking if “yellow noodles” were a food group. According to Google, it’s fine… in moderation. According to my heart? It’s a win if they eat at all.

“How to tell if Play-Doh is toxic”

One second they’re making a cute pretend pizza; the next, they’ve got a giant chunk of Play-Doh hanging out of their mouth like they’re a goat at a petting zoo. I’m always Googling, “Will they die?” Turns out, they probably won’t — but my blood pressure might.

“When will I feel like myself again after having a baby?”

This one is more serious, and it’s probably the one that shows up the most in my history. Google can’t really give a clear answer, because “yourself” changes after kids. Some days you catch glimpses of her — the woman who used to wear real jeans and had hobbies other than packing snacks — and some days you feel completely lost.

But here’s the thing: over time, you start realizing “yourself” now is stronger, softer, funnier, and somehow still learning every day.

The universal mom truth

All of these searches have one thing in common: they prove that none of us know what we’re doing. We’re all fumbling through, trying to keep tiny humans alive, keep the house semi-clean, and maybe drink a hot coffee once a week.

Google might not have all the answers, but it sure does make us feel a little less alone in the chaos.

So the next time you find yourself typing “why does my toddler eat dog food” at 2 a.m., just know you’re in good company. We’re all here, Googling weird stuff and doing our best, one questionable search at a time.