The way he made me feel

It all started with a wave to a kid, who came like an angel who made a path in my love life. Our first meeting wasn't so dramatic like Hollywood movies or any K-drama moment. His smile towards me felt so genuine, soft enough to catch my attention. It felt so secret that it didn't felt like as if i was in love. I saw something in his eyes.... a lightness, a kindness, something that made the room feel less cold. For the first time in my life, i felt noticed. I have had crushes before but it never felt so unreal like he made me feel.

I started him as my motivation of coming to school. Oh by the way he came in my last year of school. I am in y11 and he's in y12....oh my god. Let me break this more, he's one year younger than me. Like literally!! Let's go back to where we were.

After that smile, he was everywhere. Maybe physically, but in my head as well. He smiled towards me, as if i was the only person alive in his eyes. I felt a beat in my heart, i knew i was in love. In the way my heart did that annoying skip when i heard his name. My friend was also in love with him, so i tried my best to not make it so obvious. But yeah, i was deeply in love with this guy.

I don't know if it was obvious or not but i tried my best to act normal- whatever that means. But every time he looked my way, even for a second. I felt seen... AND that scared me more than anything.

Prom was the last day, that i saw him. I knew this is finally the end. He looked good as he always did. And i was trying my best to not look at his way, but deep down i knew each second that it passed was bringing my life to the edge of our time. My heart ached every move i made. My smile felt fake to me. I saw the girl he liked standing next to her, maybe he didn't, or actually he did. Since a classmate of mine was close to him and he said that he felt they were together secretly. But i guess i noticed some things too. How he smiled at her. How they stood side by side, too close for my comfort. And even though i was just a few steps aways, i felt a thousand miles away. A few weeks before, i sent him a follow request on Instagram- with my friend. He accepted, i remember feeling this tiny burst of hope. maybe this could be something, but yeah here we are, all hopeless.

Maybe he cared, maybe he noticed. I hope he loved my the same way as i did. I made so many quiet moves- fiyra steps, the kind that don't scream but still speak. A glance held too long. A smile in the cafeteria. The way i stood near, hoping he'd feel it. Hoping he'd see me.

He didn't.

OR MAYBE HE DID, AND JUST CHOOSE NOT TO CARE....

And that's the part that hurts the most-- loving someone who might have known but acted like they didn't.

If you ever read this M....... I hope you know i cared. Maybe more than ever. I actually loved you. You were never mine to begin with and never mine to end with. I don't hate you for the way you made me feel seen. In silence, in dreams, in the pauses between your glances and mine.

I just wish you had seen me. Truly seen me.

but maybe this wasn't something about being chosen. maybe it was about learning how to let go of someone who wasn't meant to stay

because even if it was unspoken..

It was real.

and it was felt.