The Time I Gave Myself Shingles

*This article was originally posted on Medium.

One day while I was studying, I felt a sharp stinging pain across the under of my lefthand shoulder. Over time this uncomfortable pain persisted, and I thought nothing of it at first. It wasn't until I noticed the formation of bumps that I decided to schedule a doctor's appointment.

When the doctor broke the news to me, I was shocked.

She told me that I had shingles. She explained that shingles were the dormant version of chickenpox in adults. Shingles are the same virus that causes chickenpox in children. When she explained that sometimes they appear when we experience high levels of stress and anxiety, I wanted to sh*t my pants.

At that moment, I wanted to burst into tears. I couldn't believe that I had brought about something like that. It felt like someone had discovered a shameful secret.

Before this mortifying revelation, my life was a mess.

At the time, I was working towards my associate's degree. I worked hard like every other student in college. I stressed, drank way too much caffeine, and hardly slept. Like most students, I tolerated this state of living because it was "normal."

During that time, I constantly lied to myself and others. I told myself that stress was no big deal and that it was something I had to experience to achieve success.

The truth was, I never told anyone about my shingles. It had been months of burning and persistent itching. Until finally, I decided to go and get it examined.

The truth was my secret was out, and it showed on my body.

Instead of recommending over-the-counter medication, my doctor shared her experience with it and how she overcame it with the help of mindful meditation.

She explained how meditation taught her new values, helped her reconnect with herself, and how to live a happier life. Her words stuck with me, and that year I decided to start taking better care of my mind, body, and emotions.

Mindful meditation helped settle my mind, body, and soul.

I discovered that mindful meditation could take place in several different ways. In the beginning, I tried clearing my mind with music, words of wisdom, and mantras. Over time, I narrowed down which meditation practice worked best for me.

My mindful routine consisted of early morning stretching, reflecting or praying, watching an episode of Headspace on Netflix, and sitting in silence for no less than 10 minutes.

This window of reflection, patience, and appreciation changed my academic career. Instead of obsessively studying, worrying, and stressing throughout the day, I set aside time to walk away.

Mindful meditation didn't just help me overcome anxiety and stress; it helped me understand my emotional triggers. It helped me appreciate the present and prevent stressors from negatively impacting my life.

Instead of running from my anxiety, stress, and fear, I learned to say hello. Mindful meditation helped me recognize elements in my everyday life that made me want to hide. Whenever I was anxious or nervous, I would sleep it off or overeat.

Instead of continuing with those habits, I replaced them by participating in something positive. Whenever I felt negative emotions, I reminded myself to pause and take a moment to recenter my focus. If I became overwhelmed, I shut everything down and would force myself to go for a walk.

After seeing positive results, I appreciated the disgusting lumps on my back. Before implementing mindful meditation in my life, I was overwhelmed by academic expectations.

Somehow along with my academic career, I failed to notice that I disconnected from my true self. My stress-induced lumps helped me realize how little I knew about loving, caring, and understanding myself and the world around me.

In a gross, itchy, and disturbing way, my shingles helped me love and care for myself.