The stranger in the mirror

I met her about four and a half years ago. She was nice, I mean she never treated me differently than anyone else. I thought, I could be this woman. She’s not bad on the eyes, and she’s smart, witty, intelligent, funny, and has a lot to offer. She just had two little girls about 15 months apart, and the curves are poppin’. I loved my weight gain…at first. But then it started going downhill. I had a very traumatic experience early in 2018 that lead me down a whirlwind I thought I’d never come out of. My husband left me in a way that you wouldn’t leave your enemy. He didn’t leave me for his new girlfriend, he planned it where he would attempt to rob a bank, and get arrested. Well, he did get arrested, and later convicted for robbery and sentenced to 45 years in tdcj. Our two daughters, 1 1/2, and 6 months didn’t even know at the time what was going on. I was left with my then 13 year old son, and my baby girls by ourselves. No money, no food, nothing. See, at the time I was a stay at home mother, while he worked. We didn’t want anyone to babysit or have our daughters in daycare. We had a plan. At least at the time that’s what I thought. I was a devoted wife, and want to stick with him through the good the bad and the ugly. I thought that I was doing our marriage justice by sticking by him, and realized after he was incarcerated, that he never loved me. That was a hurt that I’ve never felt before. A hurt that broke me into a little million pieces. This time I couldn’t glue them back together. I drank alcohol, and smoked black and milds literally every day. I sat in outer space, just wondering what the hell happened to my marriage? The man I was sleeping beside since the summer of 2014, where did I go? Because I knew at that moment, the moment where the detectives escorted him out of our front door, I left with him. I stress ate, drepressed ate, felt sorry for myself ate, felt sorry for the children ate, and drank myself to sorrow. Like their was no tomorrow and I defended myself from myself. I gave myself excuses. I just knew the right things to say to myself to make me feel good. I was angry, sad, hurt, ashamed, broken, alone, and humiliated all in one sitting. Each and every day I did not recognize who I was. Then started the belly that wouldn’t go away, the fat under the chin. The back fat, the extra jiggle under the arm. I became some one else. I’ve never been this type of weight before. I hid. I didn’t want to be seen by anyone much less myself. I thought, at first, that I could pick myself back up and be ok. But this type of pain hit me to my core. This type of pain turned into self hurt I can admit. 2018 was a helluva year. Not only was my husband gone, but the kids and I had to sell everything in the house, we had to move to the city with my sister and her family. We stayed with them for seven months until I was able to get my own apartment. I felt accomplished. I felt… relieved. But I still saw the stranger in the mirror, a person I never knew. I, being who I am, thought I would get used to her, grow into her, be compassionate to her you know, show her love. But here it is 2022, and I still haven’t properly introduced myself to her yet. I want the old me back. I want the person I used to know. Here’s a thought: what if I’m not supposed to have the old me back? What if, I am to embrace the new me and just upgrade? What if I am to show the new me the love and attention and affection that I’ve never known and just reinvent? What if the choices I used to make are null and void now because the old me doesn’t and will not ever exist? I can look in the mirror now and exceed all expectations and mold the new she into me.”Hey stranger, my name is Lyteka, nice to me you.”