The Story Of A Girl With An Undiagnosed Compulsive Eating Disorder

As I lay in bed, full and satisfied from the meals I consumed today… I can’t help but wonder where the biscuits I saw my family eat last night are? Throughout the whole week, I have been super consistent and strict on clean eating, but today, the day I finally had a taste of sugar, but today, the day I consumed a three course meal for dinner... TODAY my body just doesn’t know how to stop! And today, there is no will power like the other days.

So, I get up… I go wondering to find those biscuits, which I can't find. But rather I spot some Anzac biscuits, I grab one. Although, this one is not enough… I ponder as I look at the other variety of biscuits a family member made for us. I opened that bag (without a second thought about whether I should be doing this at 1am in the morning). I grab out the second biscuit and tell myself it’s okay, your cheat day hasn’t finished yet.

Although, I forget that I am full, that my stomach physically hurts from all the food I consumed that day and that I have put in so much effort to try and loose the weight that weak from clean eating and exercising daily. I WAS DOING SO WELL! But I forgot, I forgot how to control myself.

I forgot how to control myself that at 1am in the morning, I spot a third variety of biscuit. The biscuit I was actually searching for. Nevertheless, I open that container, yet again not remember the weeks effort or the stomach pains. I grab out the biscuit with the fondant… this one even sweeter. But I did not like the taste, I could have discarded the un-tasteful biscuit. Although, I did not… instead I wandered into my room and ate it. Mindlessly, Carelessly, Inattentively ate the biscuit, I didn’t even like!

Oh! But my brain did not stop me there, instead of my brain reminding me my stomach hurts, that I've been working hard to stop eating back or that I should not be eating at 1am, instead it tells me… “damn this biscuit tasted bad, I prefer the Anzac one, let’s go get another one”. WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP! But I can't, I have no self control.

With no self control, I find myself back in the pantry, this time feeling the stomach pains, but ignoring them. I continue on my late night / early morning adventure for that 'good' tasting Anzac biscuit. In the pantry, I don’t just grab out one Anzac biscuit, I grab out TWO… reasoning to myself “this is okay. It is still your cheat day (even though it’s technically Monday morning) and you deserve to treat yourself”, so I aimlessly scoff down another two biscuits.

I get to bed and sit there for a minute or two before I start feeling sick, from all the sugar and food I consumed not only during the day but at the late hours of 1am.

Tears dripping down my face, after 5 minutes, I scream internally...

"I JUST ATE 5 BISCUITS!"

"5 FREAKING BISCUITS!"

"I HATE MYSELF!"

"I HATE WHAT I’VE JUST DONE!"

"I HATE THAT I CAN’T CONTROL MYSELF!"

"AND THAT I’VE JUST LET MYSELF DOWN!"

"ALL OF MY WEEKS HARD WORK OF CLEAN EATING AND EXERCISING DOWN THE DRAIN!"

"WHO AM I?"

"HOW DO I STOP?"

"WILL SOMEONE HELP ME?"

"HOW DO I EVEN ASK FOR HELP?"

"WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO STOP MYSELF"

"I NEED HELP!"

"SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME"

"BECAUSE THE STRONG PERSON I THOUGHT I WAS, IS LOST"

"I CANNOT CONTROL MYSELF"