The Smell of Mortification

I lay on my back, torso elevated, hips thrust towards the ceiling, as I gaze along the ceiling above me…

“Allow yourself to let it all out..”, I hear the yoga instructor say in the far-off end of the spacious studio.

Laying there, in such vulnerability, I think to myself, " Eddy, there are people around you and you know the havoc that it can wreck.  Your reputation will never recover from something like this…”, as my legs shoot back, core engaged, all the way down to the glutes, setting up for the pre-push-up position, known as the plank, all set and ready to lower into staff pose/lowered pushup position…

“…Oftentimes, you have to let it out, slowly of course.  Holding onto things, even our energy can be harmful if not downright uncomfortable…”, the instructor proceeds.

“…ok he is reeeally speaking to my system right now…. there is no one in my direct line of sight nor in my immediate trajectory..." "Furthermore no one is within two or three mats of me…”, I think to myself, all of this within milliseconds, trying to find some semblance of justification for what may happen. An ever so slightly sneer escapes me as I guiltily think that I may actually journal about this later. This is what happens to me mentally in any given yoga class. Being aware of EVERYTHING, internally and externally!

“Just let it gooo…”, he soothingly and reassuringly says

“There is just NO way I can - - "

“..don’t judge yourself in the process, there is no one to really judge you… just YOU...”

“Okie doke…. he said it...", whilst I pray that only I have to bear witness and sustain the sensorial discomfort of what comes next. I decided that it had to be done or continue to experience immense abdominal discomfort for the next 50 minutes of class.

I exhale, releasing from upward dog, slowly coming into downward dog, while at the same time releasing the Mula bandha (energy bands), which, because engaged, have been the sustaining source of protection from the hellish pungency that has been released, as I put a slight arch in my lower spine, shooting my pelvis upward towards the ceiling, along with the methane gas just released, spreading into the space surrounding my core…

See, it was within milliseconds that I had to process whether releasing flatulence in the middle of an 8 am yoga class was the best course of action for the sake of everyones’ nasal sensitivities, not to mention the tainting of the air quality that is crucial to everyone having a beautiful morning start of their day.  I now know, at this very moment, this crisis is a result of the cherry pie and vanilla ice cream that was served as dessert after a lovely yoga practice and dinner, hosted by my friends Mike & David, the evening prior.  But WAIT.  In addition to that evening, once I got in from practice and dinner, I greedily decided to further promote "dairy disaster" when I helped myself to a bowl of Honey Chex, with WHOLE MILK (Now WHY would you DO that to yourself?!). 

So what am I gonna do about it NOW?  Well, there are one of two options presented before me:

1. Hold it in for the remainder of the class simply because it’s really basic respect for everyone around you, and no one wants to smell such dreadful internally created fumes first thing in the early morning, HOWEVER, in doing so, suffer the awful cramps throughout the class and then, perhaps, continue to suffer the problematic issues throughout the day, such as feeling bloated, cramps or an even gassier stomach

2. Release it, waiting for it to waft into your unlucky fellow yogi's personal space, leaving you to possibly deal with the evil stares of those unlucky enough to be in its destructive path. Not to mention if they ALL "catch wind", as in the participants as well as the instructor, you can not bear to witness the horrified faces and sudden changes in demeanor, especially that of the handsome instructor as he subconsciously (or consciously) ignores your whole entire being throughout the rest of class, etching your face from his initial positive remembrance of you, in that from now on every time he sees you, that very smell will always haunt his nasal memory, and you will never recover from something so embarrassing in someone's mainframe.

Absolutely mortifying I tell you.

So then... What do I have to gain from this? What do I have to lose? What does one do in this situation?!!

Ultimately: NOT A DAMN THING!  Stay in the present, let it go (quite literally LOL), deal later.  Sorry folks, my pain is physical, what I have unleashed upon you is merely sensory.  You'll live and move forward feeling disgusted, and perhaps confused, as to whodunit, best case scenario.  I'll live to see another day.

I've concluded that the issue isn’t the “gas” itself, it is actually the putrid, undesirable smell that others will have to endure during class that is the issue, at least in my mind.  What I take from it is a matter of situational awareness that most may find pointless in making such a big deal out of it...

In relaying this story to someone, they may think, "C'mon, this guy is whacked... NO one is THAT aware of farting…”.

I am.  My gastrointestinal health has been an issue since I was a child.  My sensitivity cup runneth over with years of uncomfortable discovery through personal experiences.  I am aware of the consequences that can and most ultimately will arise as a result something that I can control, for better or for worse.  I was fully aware of what could possibly happen once I started my yoga practice that morning.  I have said it once and I'll say it again, despite the difference in circumstances: Yoga has saved me, in more ways than one.   

There was nothing that I could do about what I ate the evening before.  There was only the present.  I made choices the previous evening that would eventually lead up to me making the choice whether or not to inflict, what I deem to believe, to be some of the most offensive and mentally awful things to have to sustain in a yoga class.  I have gagged in classes at the brutal onslaught to my own breathing sensibilities, because of someone's release of methane-induced gas. There are just some social etiquettes that should be adhered to, whenever possible.  

Now, it may sound as if I am really just blowing this out of proportion (pun intended) but consider this: Think of a time where you or someone else had a positive and/or compassionate reaction to someone “passing gas”.  I’ll wait…………………. No?  Ok, so then you may be able to relate to the inherent mortification that follows when "whoever smelt it, dealt it"; This is to say ONLY if anyone knew or even suspected it was me, I'd be transported right back to the third grade, being ogled, laughed at and despised for the tasteless release of something so awfully natural.  I have since healed from those days, and so do not wish to return to such turmoil in my adulthood.  But if it happens, guess what?  It's all good because,, unlike grade school, I'll never see half these folks again! 

And breeeeeeathe... inhale.... exhale...

Namaste