The Return to Self

For many years and many cycles, the question, “who am I?”, had little depth and meaning. Confined to the beliefs imparted by a limited society and wounded family, my true Self was buried. The heart’s desires and soul’s longings, a dense fog of confusion and heaviness. “What is the point?”, I often wondered, insecurity rattling me to the bone, caged in a small existence with little room for expression.

As the nature of friction is to generate heat, so much so that it can purify a raw diamond, the friction that mounted in my life started burning away, slowly but surely, the life that caged the real me. And so it continues, day in and day out, refining me to the core, dissolving the walls that contain my light.

The major tipping point that has given way to many other tipping points, emerged at the ripe age of 25. Life had become a monotonous, lack luster, dull comfort, set to the backdrop of a life sucking job that paid the bills and had good benefits, accompanied by a long, tumultuous relationship that thrived on the notion of settling.

“Twenty Five!” I thought to myself and wondered how there couldn’t be more to life. The depths of my being stirred wildly at this reality. Glimpses of the life that had been suppressed fizzled up in my now, consistent Yoga practice. Curiosity permeated my current state of existence, the embers of my being started to ignite, and a deep inner knowing began to crawl out from a self imposed cage of insecurity and doubt. And it was only the beginning.

The friction rumbled as I outgrew the life I was living, like a balloon ready to pop. The breeze started to feel different against my skin, the sun shone in a different way, my perspective on life shifting, reality more expansive. And I knew, after much settling, that I couldn’t take it any longer. “I was meant for more”, my inner knowing whispered, “life is much more grand than you have been led on to believe”, the core of my being transmitted.

A secure job left behind, comfortability slain, and endless possibilities on the horizon as I packed my things to move back home to NC. What ensued afterwards felt like it defied the limitations of time. Life flowed by seamlessly as I prepared for my solo trip to Europe; a new sense of freedom alive in my being.

For the first time in a long time I had chosen my Self, the raw depth of my being over the prim and proper expression celebrated by society. And life, in all of its magical, mystical, intelligence, swooped in to make it a reality. Subtle omens of reassurance appeared as I stepped more fully into myself and my dreams. A helping hand would appear from the least expected of places, synchronicities felt more common, and although there were difficulties, there was more resilience and faith to move through them.

Stepping into ones authentic Self is an ongoing journey, not a goal to be achieved and left behind. Each step along the way a precursor to the next. Each trial and tribulation, a signpost on the map, and every success, a moment for gratitude that fills the tank back up to keep going. Living life fully is living life authentically from the core of ones Being. It takes courage, willpower, compassion, love, faith, resiliency, and the desire to not settle for anything short of amazing.

Expressing my heartfelt desires, allowing my light to shine, and following my inner knowing has led to a path rich in opportunities that have continued to dissolve the barriers that block my Truth from fully radiating, the same inner light that resides inside each of us. And I must note, it has been far from easy but incredibly worth every ounce of pain and suffering.