The ramblings of a poor writer.

I sit at my computer desk slightly slouched typing away on my mechanical keyboard, mashing the colourful keys away. The clicks ring out through the air, so satisfying. Sometimes I just write incoherent sentences to hear and feel the clicking. Trying to come up with short stories is hard. So many worlds I can create. Well, in my head anyway. When it comes to putting pen on paper, or whatever the computer version of that is, it's so much more difficult to do. Why can I lay in bed at night and conceive a 5 book epic and yet when I'm sitting here slouched at my desk I rewrite the same sentence over and over? Heck, even this paragraph you're reading right now was meant to be a horror and now I'm just writing my thoughts. Difficult, isn't it? Most people believe being a writer must be easy, I mean all they do is create stories. Well, being a writer is easy but being a good writer? Now that's hard. Being a great writer, even harder. I don't consider myself a good writer, I mean look at the above. What do you see? Repetitive themes, incorrect grammar, and poorly constructed sentences. You know, I had to rewrite repetitive 6 times because I couldn't spell it. Now a great writer needs to not only know how to spell repetitive but also create compelling worlds, characters, plot, flavour, interest. Great writers don't just create stories, they live them. I wonder if Mary Shelley did just come up with Frankenstein on the spot or if she dreamed of that idea for a while. Either way, she lived in that world. Did she enjoy it? Did she dread it? Does Stephen King ever frighten himself? Once a great writer creates a character, does that character become real in its sense? Does the writer lose control? Does one become a great writer through practice or is it a natural talent bestowed upon birth? So many questions circling in my room. I mash away and channel these onto my screen and to what end? Even as I read this I ask myself, what's the point? Why do writers write? Do they try and escape this world, their life? Do they do it for glory, for fame, and riches? Do Great writers share the same motives or do their reasons differ? Why do I find it easier to ramble in this form than to write something good, something great, or even something poor? Do great writers share this or are they driven, they know they just have to write? Maybe that's what I'm missing, drive. How do I get this? Through motivation, medication? God, why is it so hard to write? Not only do you have to find the drive, but you are also constantly battling yourself. Why write? Your ideas are terrible, let's read something, you're such a failure, let's ramble on, you're a poor writer anyway. Sometimes I feel as if my brain has a mind all on its own if that makes sense or is that just lazy writing? I just wish I could write without physically writing, why can't I just ghost-write my ideas. Maybe I'm not even a poor writer, maybe I'm lazy. Oh man, why couldn't harry potter be my idea? Or Game of Thrones or whatever the kids read these days. Even if I did have those ideas I probably would have opened my computer and stared at a blank screen for 30 minutes and then rambled. Maybe all I need is some hot tea and a dark academia playlist on YouTube. Yeah now I'm just cosy and still rambling, I bet therapy and another 3 years studying English wouldn't help me at this stage. Maybe I should go back to paper, the only thing more satisfying than the clicking of a mechanical keyboard is the feel of paper although, I do usually just sit and chew my pen. Plus my roommate is in the lounge room where I would write and he gets annoyed when I shake my legs too much. Oh well, maybe I should just accept my fate and realise that I'm not a great writer or even a good one. I'm a poor writer who can't even start a story. Well, that's ok, after hours of procrastination and pointless pondering, I will throw together some thoughts and write a story to publish. Just because I'm bad at singing doesn't mean I'm not going to sing a thousand miles by Vanessa Carlton at the top of my lungs at 3 am and just because I'm a poor writer, it doesn't mean I'm not going to create a few short stories to share with the world. Never give up and never let yourself get the best of you.