The Pain I Carry

Before getting started, I would like to announce that I will be briefly going over the pains I carry in my everyday life, which made me who I am today. To begin with, I would like to present my life story in a timeline fashion, or try my best to as my mind constantly runs over a thousand miles per minute. Now before I do get into anymore details I would like to introduce myself, my name is Nayequwan Williams, I am a father of three handsome boys, Adrian, Saint and Kailo. Adrian my oldest son which is five years of age , my middle son saint, three years of age and my youngest son Kailo which is seven months of age. i am also proud to announce I am a Virgo, as I was born on September fifteenth of nineteen ninety six. So at the age of thirteen I went through one of the most traumatizing experiences a kid could ever go through. Just to cut to the chase, I was living with my mom, the house was occupied with me my mom, my little sister and my moms boyfriend. At the time we was living in section eight. My moms boyfriend at the time name was Ricky Johnson. Ricky has a habit of putting his hands on my mom, So one day I hear them yelling, I walk down into the living room and I see them wrestling, or tussling as you’ll all would say. So thirteenth year old me was yelling “stop putting your hands on my mommy” he didn’t listen, therefore me panicking not knowing what to do, I had to think fast. I ran back to my moms room and grabbed a all black pistol. (not knowing it was a BB gun), after grabbing the gun I ran back into the living room and pointed at him and told him to let go of my mom or else. He then gave me that devilish look I could never forget. Then he stated, “oh you wanna play with guns huh! Okay I got you!. He then starts yelling at me and he rushes towards his bag to grab his all silver desert eagle. Me being a kid I took off into my room scared. After he grabs his gun I hear the gun cock back and he bursted into my room with the gun saying “you wanna die today! Give me one reason why I shouldn’t fucking shoot you. I’m screaming and crying in fear as he has a loaded gun pointed at my head as he is holding me down on the bed. My mom didn’t even budge to help me other than saying “stop it, he didn’t mean it” in a nonchalant voice. Well of course he didn’t pull the trigger because I’m still alive till this day and I have no problem saying this in my story but if I ever do catch him again, I WILL KILL HIM! With no hesitation nor care for the law, even though my record is still clean as a whistle. There has also been other times when ricky and my mom argued and one day he decide to lock my little sister in the room while holding the door. As me and my mom are fighting him to stop he finally called it quits and left, leaving me and my sister traumatized once again. I! Me personally! don’t promote violence but some people do deserve death for as it is earned not meant to be giving. Now before I get into the next stage of pain I would like to say me and my family don’t get along whatsoever, I am looked down upon as the black sheep of the family. I never had family support nor had my mom tell me she love me more than I can count on one hand. Also my mom pushed my dad away from me at a very young age and brainwashed me into hating my own dad. But will touch base more on my family later on in this story.

So at the age of fifth-teen I go through another traumatizing experience, this time I lost my best friend Shaylin. Before her passing we always use to joke on each other and laugh, even sometimes flirt, but aye we were both innocent back then. She was always caring and knew how to entertain a crowd with little to no effort put into it. We would mostly eat breakfast and lunch together with our group of friends during school hours, and had one class together were we use to joke which would usually consist of me, Shaylin and our friend jasmine. With that being said, on May 31st of 2012 I get up for school and start getting ready, just like any normal day when it’s time for school. So after taking the bus to school, where I was half way dozing off because I decided to stay up all night pulling an all nighter on call of duty black ops two with the boys. All the students were announced to locate in the gym area, where we all was sitting, we had students on the bleachers and students sitting on the floor, I was one of those students sitting on the floor with one of my other friends Kaitlyn, but me and Kaitlyn are like eight to ten feet diagonal from each other. Me and Kaitlyn talked a bit because I had another group of friends close by that I was talking to as well. So as I’m talking to another group of friends while I’m still sitting my ass on this hard wood floor, there was an announcement over the coms but everyone was still being so loud while the announcement was being made. Even I was still talking during the announcement but at the beginning of the announcement Kaitlyn was telling me to tell everybody to be quite and for i, myself to calm down as well, silly me didn’t really pay it any mind. I was just a kid trying to have fun and kill time while we was waiting for further instructions, oh silly me how naive and dumb I was back then. So after the announcement was over with. I start to get this off feeling from commotions around me, me still not knowing what was said on the announcements. So I turn back to Katlyn ready to ask her what was actually said after the announcement and soon as I turn back to look at her I see her balled up crying hard. My whole mood changed, I went from playful to extremely worried. After asking her multiple times she wouldn’t answer me but just sit there simply crying while her girlfriends came to her aid after some moments went by. Me still not knowing what’s going on, we all were told to relocate to the auditorium by multiple teachers. Before I get into the auditorium I’m still trying to find out what was said over the coms. So I’m asking other students what happened, I start to get consecutive “I don’t know’s”. Eventually I asked one of the teachers and he stated that a student passed away in a car accident last night. So asked who was it, he then replied you didn’t hear the announcement over the coms? I replied back with no hesitation, No I didn’t! I couldn’t! it was too loud plus I was also talking myself. Then the teachers said yeah shaylin passed away yesterday in a tragic car accident. My heart instantly dropped and I was just stuck in shock. I couldn’t believe it, like why her, why at such a young age, and why my best friend….. I literally cried the whole day during school I couldn’t even take my quiz because I simply keep crying and crying, the teacher had to walk me out of the class room and had exempted me from taking the quiz that day. Even weeks later into the SOLs I was put on hold for taking that test, simply because I wasn’t mentally ready… I was still broken… All my friends in that class kept telling me she is in a better place keep your head up, she would want you to focus on your test and pass it. But me I’m just thinking like I really lost my best friend and I didn’t even get to tell her bye. Once I got home on the day of finding out I told my mom and grandpa with tears running down my eyes, they didn’t seem to care at all, which leads for another story later on in the future because my family is purely toxic and corrupted. They didn’t even wanna buy me the year book. I only wanted the yearbook simply because my best friend passed and that would be one great remembrance of her for me at the time. I still have the memorial shirt from that year in mint condition and still wear it from time to time and we are now in the year of 2021. So after seeing how little feelings they had towards my situation I ran off to my room and filled my bed sheets with my tears. Once I got out of bed and went to take a shower I broke down to my knees under the shower head crying, praying to god, why you take her from me why she had to go, stating life isn’t fair, why it wasn’t me. I really became suicidal after that fact. I really became “emo” because I would just cut my wrist with a blade and sometimes I would literally just sit on the floor rocking back and fourth with so much pain overwhelmed inside of me. Knowing my family didn’t care I felt like I really didn’t have nobody else to talk to. Just to state a fact, all my life to i usually kept things to myself, simply because of how I was raised and all the corruption I had to deal with in my household, there would literally be times I wish I was adopted. Even Before my best friend passed away I was somewhat open, even though I still had sorcery going around my household. But once she was gone and I realized how truly my family didn’t give two shits about my feelings or what I wanted to strive in. It became more clear to me I don’t really have anyone to turn to, so I usually just to stick to myself, still till this day.

Now on to my corrupted ass family, first off my family never really supported me and as I said before they always looked down upon me as the black sheep. They always find reasons to complain. More on the simple things like leaving something slight out of place or giving me misleading information, their most favorable trait is to manipulate, which also leads to them contradicting themselves, just to make themselves sound good. Now my biggest problem with my family is me not being able to have my all my kids in one place. I literally only have my oldest son Adrian that comes over here. I believe it is the favoritism towards my first mother of my child, as I have three baby mommas. My grandpa and mother always stay in contact with the first mother of my child and will even have my oldest son come over without telling me. Too the point I wouldn’t find at times until I see Adrian show up. Me and my first baby mother don’t really get along, but I can honestly say the relationship has gotten slightly better over time between me and her. Even tho we barely commutate because it’s always a problem with her attitude. The really fucked up part is when I had my middle son saint over at the house. Which was about over a year ago and ever since what happened that day I don’t trust having either of my two youngest boys around my family whatsoever. On that day my second baby mother came to drop Saint off. After having saint in the household with me, for me to have bond time with him, my grandpa (Robert Stith) decided to give me a lecture on how he wasn’t gonna… wait for it… “babysit” his grandkid, when I never asked him to watch him. He also complained that he didn’t wanna hear him crying and whining all night, which saint never does unless he is hungry, and it hurts me to my soul because kids are angels and my middle son has autism. So after me and my gpa going back and forth because I wasn’t having any of that bullshit. like you’re suppose to be there grandparent and you’re giving me shit about one of my kids that barely comes over. I also remember them telling me that I didn’t need to have both of my kids around each other because it was simply too early and it wasn’t needed. Like what in the actual fuck! This was way before kailo even came into this world so I only had two boys back then instead of three. But to carry on after me and my family finish going back and forth I go back into the room and slam the door, because I’m pissed the fuck off. After slamming the door they decided to call the police on me, to kick me out the house for defending my one and a half year old son (saint) at the time. It was three patrol cars that pulled up, and they came to escort me out of the house my second mother of my child was already on her way because I told her the whole situation on what happened. So after being escorted out I really had no place to go. I was really like fuck life at this point but I ended up staying with my dad for a couple month before coming back to my grandpa house which I consider a hell hole. Now I know ya’ll wondering why i moved back, well me and my dads wife had a falling out. She was very demanding and somewhat self centered as a person. My dad not being the household owner he really couldn’t do much when she went over board, which made me feel like my dad was failing me as a parent for not defending me. So I had to move out from there. Now another topic on family I would love to touch which is more recent. So about a three month ago from today I left amazon fulfillment center, which was a huge relief for me and I became a sales representative for riverside payments. Me telling my grandpa and uncle that I became a sales rep, they still kept asking me, when am I going to get a real job? My uncle was even dumb enough to say my job wasn’t real and that it was a pyramid scheme. This was after the fact when I got home and they asked did I make any sells, I told them I went to a couple places doing door to door, but I didn’t close any deals one of those places would be our leasing office which I told them, and they was accusing me of soliciting which doesn’t make sense, because how am I soliciting when im doing my duty ?!?!

Then they always ask me for money but never put effort into taking me to my appointments. My grandpa lets my uncle drive his truck to parties all the time, like my uncle doesn’t make any time of revenue while driving my grandpas car, all he does is fuck off and to spend money, while out with friends, in all honestly I believe my uncle, Jason stith is the biggest simp I ever meant. I remember one time getting my fourth teen hundred dollar stimulus check, my grandpa even noted if I was to buy a car he would kick me out the house. Me and Jason never gotten along ever since I was a kid, he is super contradicting and always wanna give orders.

Now I know I left some details out but I will be making a part two towards this story, as this is my first story I have ever written in my life. I just wanna note that strangers are known to be more supportive than your own family. I have also been learning to never give up no matter how hard life comes at you, being suicidal doesn’t help much either. Pushing above my limits keeps me afloat. just keep pushing and things will eventually get better. With that being said I love ya’ll and hopefully I was able to connect with a lot of ya’ll through my pain. Thank you once again for taking the time out of your day to read this story.