The Letter I Sent, But Could Never Speak: A Confession of Love and Heartache

this is probably the only heartbreak love themed "thing" I believe I'll ever write.

a few years back I wrote a letter to my crush. writing this was so strenuous as I got really emotional writing it. my heart actually felt painful and heavy when I mastered up the courage and sent him the letter. after all these years...I still don't have him . without further adeu this is what I wrote to him-

XXX,

 It kinda feels cheesy to say i want you. I've fallen so badly for you that hearing another girl's name from your mouth makes my skin crawl. Every night before i fall asleep, I imagine that we will be together one day . But, that seems entirely impossible cause i feel like you would never want to make me yours. I've been around you for like forever. But, it always felt like i was some sort of a shadow to you ; of no value of course. I've come across many admirers of mine in different spans of time. You told me about  some of them all by yourself. You were the first person to ever tell me that people had actually secretly fallen for me. In reply i had asked, "what about you?" You had said , " I'm waiting for this one right girl, you see I'm a one girl man. So yeah, I'm still waiting." To your reply i had one answer but no courage to state it. I had giggled and only said that answer in my head, " i want to be your right girl." Over the years i never had the courage to open upto you. But, yeah i would get hurt much occasionally cause of the rumors. Rumors of your love life, your dates, your GF. I would always get jealous. I consider myself to be ugly but, I've seen people admiring me saying that I have an unmatchable beauty. I've seen people fall for me, I've seen a sea of boys having a crush on me. But, i could never believe what i would see.  Because, if you never fell for me then their desperateness is all a lie. How could i believe those people if the only person i love never even thought about me or even considered me attractive? Just for you i was never in a relationship. I said no to everyone saying i consider this Haram(forbidden) . For you, i prayed to Allah, " Oh Allah, make him mine if he also feels the same as I do. If he doesn't, then please, please, have all the memories i have with him be gone along the universal fact that I am deeply and obsessively in love with him." XXX, i love you. I have got not even a dime of strength or any kind of courage to say all this to you face to face looking at your eyes. Speaking of eyes, yeah , i madly love your eyes. I've got this intense serge of fear in me. That you will reject me. And i won't be able to go through that shock of hearing that one "no" from you. I might just end up dying. I do fear death, i do fear Allah. But your rejection will send me straight to my s***cide. I also care about my parents so can't even do that too now , can i? I am writing you all this because i can no longer keep all this to myself. It's become burdensome of some sort for my heart. I feel dizzy when i see you. Your photo to be specific. I can only see your face on  Facebook. Cause, we haven't met for like 5 years or it could have been less. I don't remember exactly. Oh, how much i desire to kiss you. Maybe, hug you for just a bit. A little bite perhaps? What can i say, i can't have you. I can feel that all the words I've said here are actually making you bored. I deeply apologize for that. I'm happy you are doing well by the grace of Allah. If we were to ever meet, I'm so sorry that i won't be able to say that i was the one who wrote you this. Please, just look into my eyes. I wish that you'll see my desperateness, my desire to make you mine. Even when I'm writing this, my heart races crazily. Is it really too damn weird when you're in love? Haha, my friends have started assuming that i could in fact be a lesbian, cause I've been saying no to everyone. I'm only trying to stay pure for that one guy. You're my "that" guy. I can't just go around saying all this now, can i? I had actually thought about forgetting about you but, i would rather go mental then forget you. A big sigh.

Can i be yours, XXX?

From - sorry, too coward to state my name.

And yes, this ID is fake.

p.s- my crush is so sharp in the head that it took him half a day to pinpoint that it was me who wrote it. dude probably knows like a thousand girls and he still managed to find out my identity with this real vague little information letter. I learnt through my best friend about this . My crush did try to coax me through the fake ID that he's gonna accept me no matter who I am, but I just didn't have enough courage to come clean. I'm still single by the way. because I still refuse to disbelieve "he's going to reject me". My crush knows who wrote this to him but he doesn't know if I know that he knows that I wrote it to him.

a big hehehehe.