The Impact of Early Love

When babies come into the world, their minds are consumed by a fundamental question: What must I do to be loved? From the moment of birth, infants rely entirely on their environment, and understanding what their caregivers expect from them becomes crucial for survival. How this question is answered profoundly shapes their personalities and adult perspectives. There are three primary responses to the baby's question. Let's explore them one by one.

1. The first answer is "Nothing much.": In this case, a certain type of parent conveys to the baby that they don't need to do anything to deserve love. They are accepted as they are, with their own needs taking priority. Growing up in such an environment allows a child to develop self-acceptance, an awareness of their own needs, and the ability to consider the needs of others without sacrificing their creativity or individuality. They don't need to do anything extraordinary to feel worthy; any exceptional actions stem from innate curiosity and natural inclination. This is the kind of love we should all desire and have experienced.

2. The second answer is "You must succeed to earn love.": For some parents, the baby's existence is predicated on meeting enormous expectations. The child becomes instrumental in boosting the parent's self-esteem, compensating for their insecurities and compromises. For instance, the child must display exceptional intelligence to protect the parent from appearing unintelligent. They must excel globally to compensate for the parent's lackluster career. Any fears of unattractiveness must be countered by overt physical beauty.

To ward off the parent's internal struggles and the pull of depression, the child must be a constant source of cheerfulness. In essence, the child becomes a compensatory object, catering to the parent's hidden vulnerabilities. They are not allowed to be shy, uncertain, quiet, or unimpressive to others, as it would destabilize an already fragile parent. Growing up in such an environment, the child is perpetually preoccupied with seeking applause and validation, exhausting themselves in pursuit of a love that should have been unconditional from the start.

3. The third answer is the most troubling: "Some children must succeed, while others are commanded to fail." Certain parents can only tolerate children who don't threaten their own position in the world. These children are not allowed to be happier, more beautiful, or more successful. If they come close to achieving any of these, a vindictive aggression emerges. The child comprehends the unspoken rule they are subjected to and often develops tendencies toward self-sabotage and underperformance. If they possess physical beauty, they'll deny themselves any enjoyment of it. If they excel academically, they'll ensure failure in critical exams.

Even if they attain a fulfilling career, they'll make sure to demonstrate their misery to prove that success is not enjoyable. The child may even receive contradictory messages from the same parent, swinging between wanting the child to support them and fearing that the child is a threat. Consequently, the child is trapped in a relentless cycle of pressure to both succeed and fail, with no escape.

Any response other than the first leaves a complex and unfortunate legacy, necessitating great compassion for ourselves and the infants we once were. These bewildering and devastating answers to our initial plea for acceptance and love shape our lives in profound ways.

To summarize, the blog post explores the profound impact of early experiences on a child's quest for love and acceptance. It delves into the three primary responses to the question of what a baby must do to be loved: being accepted as they are, being required to succeed for love, or being commanded to fail. These responses shape a child's personality and self-perception, impacting their adult priorities.