The Hole you left

Truthfully I could have fixed this hole in my door right after you did it. However I just was more emotionally weak & stuck by the fact you did it. I always felt and was taught that as a man you should not cause further damage to a woman & if she has damage and you take her on as a partner you should not further damage her. So shouldn't you have been fixing the damage after the first injury? Instead you made the list of issues & damage longer and longer.

You yelled when you didn't get your way and the one day I decided to put my foot down and tell you NO. You released a monster that I have never seen before and I never want to see again. The monster you unleashed bellowed and yelled till your caramel skin fused with boiling red. Your hands balled into fist swinging different directions while landing on walls & tables. Small objects were thrown to the ground and some were shattered.

Trying to softly speak & calm you down became a effort that I could not manage. You started to move my direction & sped up your pace. I was scared that it may become physical between us so I started backing up as you came forward. Once again I watched you as you picked up yet another object that had some weight to it & you launched it at the door.

A silence fell upon us as the sound bounced off the near walls ringing our ears of damage being done. We both looked at the door & saw the big hole with a deep darkness inside. I immediately was more angry & knew in that very moment I needed peace from you.

As you packed your things , you were forced to see the results of your actions. You had to walk by your damage to the door each time. The final pass you stopped and starred at it. The darkness in the hole must have hypnotized you to do and say what came out of your mouth next. You put the large garbage bag you had in your hand down and looked at the hole and turned to me. Dropped to your knees & apologized for the hole & surprisingly for all the other damage you have caused to me during these past 10 months. You then started to cry and explain how much you loved me and did not want to cause any further damage but wanted to be a part of my life but after you got some help. A healthy separation was most needed for us.

Get real girl! In your dreams that happened. In reality, That man came in your house while you were on vacation & cleared your home of all his items. He left not only this big hole in the door but also scuffed floors, scratched walls, broken door knobs and scratched pots & pans. Scratched pots and pans because you did not know how to cook properly. Using metal spoons and cheap utensils that was possibly melting into the food. Not only did he do a sneak ninja move, he had an accomplice. Guess who it was??? His ex-wife!!! I felt this was most certainly bizarre & I only realized this a few days after I came home from my vacation.

A subtle kiss mark laid on the mirror in the 2nd bedroom. A smear of makeup that was not my color was smeared on the closet mirror in the hall as well. I failed to notice these marks because I was more blinded by the many empty spaces that once was filled with your items. I was also looking for any of my items to be missing. Nothing seemed to be missing at the moment of panic. However over time I will notice if anything is missing and if so I know who to blame... that's if I can find him if that time comes.

A week later I decide to log on to one of my social media platforms for the first time since your departure. I have 32 messages from someone who I am not familiar with. "You should really clean your house and fix all those holes in your walls. That's why he contacted me and begged for me back because he knows what he wants and it is sure not you" she goes on to insult me of my looks, My ignorance to his ways and further more of how I'm not his choice.

A few months have passed and I'm trying to move past the trauma you left me with. Every time I walk out my door I look at my scuffed floors that you caused when dragging your items out of my home. I'm also very annoyed that when I have company over the hole in the front closet door is the first thing to be seen when you come in my home. I also don't like that scratches all along the wall from when you dragged your large plastic containers out. I cant sue him for the damage because he should of never been here in the first place and that was caused by me and no one else. So I have to deal with these many eye sores DAILY!

Your damage was done in warm weather April it is now Cold & frigid December. I wanted to fix all the imperfections in my home but couldn't because I still needed to fix me after parting from you. I pushed myself to go out and buy the items to fix everything. Everything plus more to fix up my home to my liking was slowly piling up month by month in my living room corner. I had a mini hardware store with everything from caulk to sanding paper & paint to interchangeable drills. However still no action towards fixing these many eye sores that haunt me on a regular.

Why did it take me so long to fix these imperfections? I questioned myself constantly even while looking around the apartment. I knew the answer already but I did not want to face the truth. I took the time to write down my fears & what I needed to heal from. Almost 98% of my issues stemmed from you.

December 5th everyone is talking about New years resolutions already. I am still trying to gather myself from the current year. I was still looking for my peace and closure from your sludge path of damage. While riding home from work I stopped & stared at the river along the bike lane. It was scary but also beautiful at night in the city. A dark vast of darkness but still glistening & bright from the city lights... Just Beautiful! I dont know what kind of super power that moment gave me but I decided to make a change for the better of me. I knew I had a 3 day weekend ahead and I decided that I'm going to dedicate two days to finishing home projects and the last day to rest. However in that moment while looking at the water I decided I am starting TONIGHT.

Once home, I put on some old raggedy clothes and got to work. Classic smooth R & B songs of the 90's & early 2000's filled the apartment. Filling, scraping & sanding holes in walls and doors around the apartment. Washing everything from curtains to couch covers. Anything that you may have touched was washed & sanitized to the fullest extinct. If not possible to clean it was thrown away. This was going to be my reset and refresh and should partially help in my healing journey. I replaced the entire floor of the damaged area. Primed the walls to be painted bright white & Started placing designs in the bathroom. The two day transformation surprised me as well. I almost did not recognize my apartment. I had great sense of pride and happiness for accomplishing this life and mental reset. I needed this more than anything to get me out of the funk I was in.

January 3rd I returned from MY Christmas vacation from Barbados. Walking in to my house so refreshed and thoroughly vacationed and looking at what I accomplished gave me greater pleasure than I could have ever imagined. It was so many fresh starts & new beginnings for me that I was overjoyed with many great emotions. I finally felt like I got a little closure or at least a recovery button for my brain to move on and forget you.

The spaces that once housed your belongings have been filled. The house has been transformed and is more like how I want. I used to not want to come to this eye sore filled home with nothing but mental and physical damage within it & surrounding me. After the reset and many journal writings to myself I afforded myself a change of scenery with a vacation. The vacation was a breath of fresh air and gave me a little clarity to life. After coming back home and seeing the final touches I made before I left to vacation I am more and more proud of myself. Im looking at myself differently & and its looking amazing.

This is exactly what I wanted, to be proud of myself & my home. Now I can not wait to go home every minute I am away from it. Its my sanctuary & safe haven that no one can impede on. My resolution was to make myself proud and try to not dwell on the trauma that was thrown in my face. instead of needing your closure I gave it to myself.

I learned how to overcome the random ptsd fused thoughts of you and use it as fuel to keep going. I made action and less talk and embarked on my goals which may seem small to many but it was a great deal for me. I made a checklist and marked off as I met each one. Here we are "new year and new me" as they say.