The Hallway Lingerer

The distance from the annex building to her Spanish class could not be longer. One corner of the campus to the other. Since the shortest distance between the two points is a straight line, journeying outside only made sense. Despite this, most of her classmates walked the halls, lingering in the open and airy space where stairways and hallways merge. This is where friends stand in circles, gossip exchanges, and romantic hopefuls flirt and connections blossom. She can see the halls through the windows on her path outside, but only stares ahead, trying to avoid even peripheral glimpses. She wonders how she got it so wrong and they are getting it so right. In no hurry to take her assigned seat in the last period, her walk has reduced to stroll, hoping to come off as breezy. But while she can masquerade how she carries herself, she has never mastered the poker face. Her expression has always been a window to her heart, and these days it is empty. In the Fall, it was full. She walked inside. She was one of those hallway lingerers, and this is where she found him. He filled her heart with hope and adoration, as every first love does. Every nerve in her soared. She felt seen and accepted. She was getting it right. Until she wasn't. Until hope and adoration were replaced with hurt and shame. With one misstep, she got it all wrong. She was all wrong.

Restlessness was not an uncommon feeling for her. It's a too familiar ache that shows up when her life stagnates. The hallway lingerer inside her felt it was time to linger alone, so she wished him well. This was the first cast stone. He was not well and the weeks that ensued were mostly a cloud of confusion and manipulation. Which all led to the October day that changed her course. This day changed her labels. She was no longer innocent and clean. What was supposed to be an act of love turned into the weapon he used to give her a new identity. She would never fully understand his change of heart, but there was no need to understand when she was just trying to survive the shame he inflicted so cruelly. Maybe it was to keep her and her restlessness down. To make her small, keep her from taking up any space. The hallway lingerer could not longer linger without judging eyes and casting glances. She got it wrong, and there was no getting it right ever again.

Now it is Spring and her heart can't hurt anymore. It is drained. She makes herself small. She walks outside. Her emotions are replaced with logic. She calculates each and every step that will take her away from hurt, and she walks that way for 20 years. Through constellations of relationships and friendships and the trials of academics and career. One day she will question her authenticity. One day she will wonder if the hallway lingerer is still part of her, if not her actual genuine self. But now, she lays the groundwork for self-preservation. She decides to move intentionally through life, with the purpose of avoiding that same hurt. Unfortunately, her physical steps now must take her to Spanish class, where she takes her assigned seat in the second row, a seat she has asked to move without success. Just as the bell rings, he takes his assigned seat behind her. She braces for the cruel whispers, and they come. They always do. Sweet nothings that served as fatal ammunition for her authentic, hallway lingering self.