The Glass Door

Sometimes I wonder why the door is there when I fall asleep. Why was it just the door and why is it so clear? I wasn’t so sure if this was a nightmare or a weird dream, but I was very much conflicted about the outcome. I felt drawn to the door. Somehow, like it was calling me closer. I couldn't really feel myself walking but I just did. I tried to open the door but it wouldn’t give in. So now I have no idea why I can’t open this door, let alone what was behind it.

Then I saw him. All clad in his army gear. Why was he here? I was literally playing mind tricks with myself. It’s been years since I have seen him and even with the thought it was like butterflies all over again. I called his name but he wouldn’t answer. I tried the door again and still no luck. I kept calling for him to open the door but what happened next is what took me aback even more. That one person I saw as the one that I let go… was with someone else. The one person I found hard to let go of, moved on from me. I was at first shocked but maybe it was just a joke, surely he wouldn’t forget my feelings right? I mean I was very honest and he accepted it… so why am I seeing this? Is it true in real life? Would I have to wake myself from this hell and ask him or just keep seeing this play out?

Next thing I know he seemed different …like blissfully different. I couldn’t be forgotten by him right? I mean we have known each other for 4+ years and I really can’t seem to shake him off… but why? Was it something I have done in the past or said? Have I not tried to push my need for more than just closure or try to make long distance work again?

Why is this door showing me something so harsh? What did I do to deserve this pain? He made me feel heard. He made me feel protected.Most of all … he made me feel cherished. But now it felt like just a sick joke. I can’t even blame nobody but myself because I created this.

Then it changed. I saw my most recent ex who broke up with me for a stupid reason; I didn’t move him in. He was different because I felt as if God brought him to me. And now he is moving on to back in North Carolina with a new option. I was not really shocked, but I wondered about the lack of honesty from him. I mean he cheated on me two months into our relationship so he was ultimately wrong from the start. But still, I felt shut out all over again.

I don’t understand why is it hard to just open this door? What is the whole purpose? Why is it just me seeing people move on or be happy? I want it too, so why is the door not opening for me?!

Then it became so quickly. Just random people being happy with their significant others and yet I am still trying everything to open this glass door. Yanking, banging, screaming, hitting, and still ...nothing. I felt hopeless that this is what my dreams saw my love life as a door for others but not me. I just felt myself crumble all over again that I just gave up.

This was just a constant reminder of my life in reality. I get hurt and see others happily move on and forget the damage they caused, except him. I could never hate him but it would hurt me if it were to be that outcome in real life. Talking to him still just reminded me of the comfort his words gave me. A solace that didn't hold any judgement of how I think or even talk.

That door was mocking me as clear as it shows me what my reality, as painful as it is, may ring true as I still wake up in the same scenario- lost, alone, and brokenhearted.