The Apology I Never Got to Give You

To the friendship I messed up – to the girl I loved more than anything.

Hey you, it’s been five years. Where can I start? There’s so much I want to say to you. So much distance between you and I, yet I still have so much love for you. I’ve thought about you every day since I left you.

So many years have passed, and I still reflect on our time together—all the McDonald’s frappes and fries after school, you taking me home, you getting me into country music even though I hated it—but you loved it, so I loved it too.

You hated affection, but you still hugged me. You reminded me that we make compromises when we love people. You remind me of everything that used to be good about my life.

When I miss our friendship, I check my Dropbox and see photos from our junior and senior year. You hated having your picture taken, yet I have so many of you—because you’d do anything to see me happy.

When I think about being 16, I think about you. When I think about being happy and free, I think about you. I remember you visiting me at work and getting hot chocolate.

I know when you think of me, it brings up pain, because I’m the one who lost you. You didn’t lose me.

I hate that for us—because we used to be so close. It used to be me and you against the world. You even dedicated "Honey Bee" by Blake Shelton to me while we were driving in your red car.

Funny how things don’t seem serious in the moment, then when time passes, they become our most important memories.

I remember spending nights at your house, keeping secrets, being in tents outside, and so much more.

But I’m not writing this just for the sake of old memories. I’m writing this because I miss you. And because I know I can never talk to you again. I know you wouldn’t want to hear from me.

Why would you? I was an awful friend. I betrayed you because of my own demons. So I don’t blame you.

Even though it’s my fault, I still feel heartbroken over what our friendship used to be.

If I’m being honest—I haven’t met a friend like you. I haven’t met anyone as beautiful as you—inside or out. You’re the kind of friend someone never forgets. I want you to know that.

You might wonder why I’m even writing this after all this time. It’s because I’m closing a chapter in my life—and you’re a part of that chapter.

I’m closing a dark chapter. You weren’t the darkness—you were the star. You glowed.

But to move forward, I have to let it all go. And that means moving on from you.

You were my best friend—my former best friend—and I miss you dearly.

I don’t think I could close this chapter without writing this. Even if you never see it, it still feels like I’m reaching out to you.

Maybe this will help someone else who is heartbroken, years later, over platonic love. Because platonic heartbreak counts—and it is real.

You were my platonic love. We had a special, undeniable bond. I can’t deny it now, even if I didn’t fully see it back then.

I want to say your name in this “letter” but I won’t—out of respect for you, and for myself. You have a new life.

I never reached out after our falling out because I knew you wouldn’t forgive me. I knew you wouldn’t want to talk to me.

Maybe one day, when we’re both really old, I’ll run into you. Maybe it’ll be like a movie—an instant wave of love and forgiveness.

Maybe we’ll get to grow older together like we talked about. Or maybe I’ll finally reach out—and maybe you’ll block me.

Either way, at least you’ll know my true feelings. Or maybe we’ll never speak again, and I just have to accept that.

Whatever the case, I wish you the best.

I heard you graduated college and became a police officer. That’s what you wanted since we were 14. It makes me proud to know you’ve accomplished your dreams—even if I can’t be part of that anymore.

I’ve changed a lot too. I’m engaged. I moved out. I work in law.

I’m not the same girl you used to know—but even though I’ve changed, I’ve never forgotten you or what your friendship meant to me.

It still means a lot to me. Or I wouldn’t be writing this.

That’s the irony of life—even when people leave, they never really leave.

They imprint on us. They leave scars.

I know I left a scar on you. I added to your trust issues and your pain. And I want you to know how deeply sorry I am for that.

I never officially got to tell you—I’m sorry. I know apologies don’t fix everything. They can’t bring back what’s broken.

But still, I want to say it: I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for the drunken night I told you I didn’t want to be your friend anymore. I didn’t mean it—but I said it.

And just like that…we weren’t friends anymore.

I was stressed, depressed, and deep in addiction. It doesn’t excuse anything—but maybe it gives you some context.

Now that I’ve said my apology, I want to say thank you.

Thank you for picking me up on weekends. Thank you for buying me food when I couldn’t pay. Thank you for keeping all my secrets. Thank you for the Target runs, the park trips—and everything in between.

Nothing about you is lost on me.

There are so many memories, but this is getting long and sappy, and I don’t think you’ll ever see it anyway.

Still, I needed to write it.

It’s been five years. Time flew by—and I’ve thought about you every single year.

I debated reaching out…but it never felt right.

Maybe that makes me a coward. Maybe it makes me human.

All I know is—I’m a girl who misses her best friend. Her love. Her other half.

I couldn’t close this chapter without writing this. Even if you never read it—the universe knows my heart still beats for you.

The universe knows how much I cherished our friendship. Most of all, I have remorse. I have accountability.

To the girl I loved more than life itself—and somehow lost all at the same time—I hope you’re well.

I hope life is kind to you. You deserve it. You have a soul that’s worth more than anything on this planet. I hope you’re safe, happy, and at peace.

Thank you for everything.

Every good memory I have of summer and fall 2019 was with you.

I still remember the last time I saw you—we went to Applebee’s or Chili’s and ate mozzarella sticks. A memory I’m still holding on to.

I don’t know you anymore—and you don’t know me. But I once knew you, and honestly, I don’t even recognize the version of me who let you go.

But I cherish what once was. It was my fault. You know that.

That’s why you can’t forgive me. And maybe I don’t deserve forgiveness.

Maybe one day I’ll reach out. Maybe I won’t. Either way, I’ll tell my children about my former best friend.

I wish we could be there for each other’s milestones—weddings, kids, growing older. But even if we’re not—you were still part of the most influential part of my life.

I won’t forget that. I hope you won’t forget me. And I hope you know—I’m sorry.

I know it’s selfish to want you to remember me after I hurt you…but I’m human.

So my beautiful friend, I miss you. Thank you.

Maybe one day you’ll see this, and you’ll know it was for you.

If you ever think about me and miss me too…please find me.