That Time I Tried To Tell My Crush I Liked Him...

Behold, a tale set in the land of end-of-teenage cringe. I was 19 years old at the time, and for years afterwards, if anyone even said the word "cringe" I would remember this happening, and desperately wish to fling myself into the abyss.

19 is the worst age, and I'll fight you on this one. Because, you see, at 19 you are not a feisty 14-year-old trying to figure out your identity, nor are you a freshly-adult 18-year-old learning how to get along with other adults. Instead, you're 19, and you think that AFTER having been 18, you got this, and you definitely understand how best to interact with others.

Spoilers: You're wrong.

Once upon a time, it was near the end of the college semester and I wanted to tell my crush that I liked him. I'd started liking him at the end of the previous semester, much to my incredible annoyance because I had certainly NOT planned on catching feelings for anyone, and after a summer of alternating between being utterly smitten and being totally in denial, college started back up again and after noticing how high my heart jumped upon seeing his obnoxiously good-looking face, I realized that I was in far too deep to back out.

So, I made a game plan: Confess my feelings at the end of the semester, before he transferred to a different college.

Easy? No. First of all, I could barely breathe around the guy. Second of all, as soon as I decided I wanted to tell him, I kept missing opportunities.

Finally, me, my crush, and one other student who we'll call Seth met up on the top floor of the multi-story library to work on a project.

My chance, at last! My heart leapt and I popped a few mints into my mouth, you know, just in case.

Crush left our study room briefly.

Me: Hey Seth, I want to tell Crush something after this.

Seth: Okay, cool.

Me: So... I was wondering if you could just kind of step aside and let me talk to him?

Seth: Okay, no problem.

Me: Cause it's kind of important to me

Seth: Got it!

Me: So you'll like, step aside and let me walk out with him so I can say it?

Seth: Of course!

My crush returned to the room and my heart raced as we finished out our time of working on the project. I was confident that I had covered all my bases with Seth so that I would have the prime opportunity to finally get a chance to talk to Crush alone.

Seth, however, did NOT DO THAT AT ALL.

Instead, the millisecond we all stood up to leave the room, he jumped ahead of me and proceeded to walk ALL THE WAY DOWN from the top floor of the library, down multiple flights of stairs, to the exit doors in the lobby- side by side with Crush.

This was way too long of a walk and there I was, an awkward third-wheel behind the yammering Seth who was telling Crush about something profoundly unimportant compared to my unfortunately undeclared planned-declaration.

A person who was not me being cringe at age 19 would've given up at that point. For example, a person being myself literally even one year older.

However, I thought maybe I could still catch up, and I'd missed SO many chances before this point, so I awkwardly continued walking behind Seth until finally he left.

At this point, far too many thoughts filling my brain, I genuinely did not realize we were already walking outside.

Finally, I had a chance to speak to Crush.

Me: Hey so uh.............. Are you.......... in a hurry...............

Crush: Yeah actually.

His hand was on his car door.

I blinked. Finally, I had a second to look around.

And then I proceeded to realize that in that brief time span, I had accidentally followed him all the way into the parking lot.

But not just the parking lot.

Freaking

ROW THREE of the parking lot.

We're talking all the way out of the library, all the way off campus grounds, and all the way through not one row of parking spaces but one, two- and a full island divider- THREE rows of car-filled parking spaces and smack-dab in front of my crush's car.

Now, mind you, I didn't have a car, nor did I drive, and this was common knowledge. There was genuinely NO LOGICAL REASON FOR ME TO HAVE BEEN THERE AT ALL.

So I looked back and realize in horror how far I'd followed him and died inside. I looked like a total stalker. Time had passed so quickly and I couldn't believe how far I had walked behind him. It wasn't something I could easily pass off, and it was all happening so fast. What was the last thing he'd said? Oh yeah, that he was in a hurry. "Oh okay," I replied, planning to leave as quickly as humanly possible.

Crush: Uh, what are you doing down here?

I could've just been honest and said, "Oh I wanted to tell you something but Seth got in the way haha, tell you later."

I could've said, "Oh I'm walking to *insert literally anything in that general direction where I could've passed off walking through the parking lot as a bizarre shortcut*

But of course, I wasn't thinking, and now my crush looked utterly confused and I crumbled beneath his gaze.

Instead, I said, "Oh I'm uh.... taking the long way. To the ARTS building."

The ARTS building was on the furthest opposite end of campus. I'd have needed to do a full 180 to even be heading in that direction at all.

Kill me.

Crush: Long walk...

Me: Yeah, I like walking.

I like walking?!

Kill me faster.

The rest was a blur. I did NOT go to the ARTS building at all, I RAN back into the library and laid on a table and groaned in dismay like a cartoon character. I'd surely ruined everything. I couldn't believe how badly this had gone. First of all, screw you, Seth who couldn't follow directions, second of all, screw me for butchering this THAT badly.

I would proceed to cringe about this for YEARS afterwards. Of course my crush would never like me back, I accidentally followed him through the parking lot like a weirdo! That moment would be forever burned into his brain! I would be forever immortalized as a creep in his brain!

Anyway, we're married now.

Is there a moral of this story? Maybe that the things that keep you up at night when you accidentally remember your most embarrassing moments are not so bad after all. My now-husband barely even remembers this incident, but I've told him the story from my perspective, and we laugh about it all the time. "I like walking," is now an inside joke.

So, let your embarrassing moments go. I can't guarantee you'll be able to look back and laugh, but I promise your life isn't over, even if you made yourself look like a total creep at age 19.