swallowing swords, handles and all

I have been done and undone many times in my life. Stitched up strong and woven tight, then unraveling like the sweater in that Weezer song.

Mental and emotional wellness is important for everyone, not just those of us who have been diagnosed with psychiatric illnesses or neurological differences.

Some of us have one diagnosis, some of us experience comorbidity, and some of us have never been diagnosed by a psychiatrist. We are all valid.

I am in constant conversation with myself about who I am, how I identify, and whether nature or nurture messed me up more.

We know trauma changes a person.

Many of us, even those who are not mentally ill, have survived events and relationships that have been life altering in the worst ways.

Mental illness and disorders resulting from trauma are often lifelong battles. They cannot be cured like a sore throat. I don’t think the recovery model applies universally, but with work and proper treatment, symptoms can diminish if they cannot subside entirely. We learn to cope, manage, and care for ourselves. We build lives that bring us joy and fulfillment.

If there is a healed person out there, I have never met them.

I had been swallowing daggers for years, handles and all. And the slightest touch would ache as the pointed ends would stab the lining of my stomach.

I’ve been told we’re meant to heal in private. Maybe even build strength before re-emerging into the world. Many of us experience enduring or chronic disorders. We do not have the luxury of healing first. If we’re not in survival mode, we heal as we go. This often feels as though life moves on without us. The world cruelly carries on while we continue to grapple with our experiences and our brains.

Sometimes I feel as though I have an incurable brain, but in moments of stillness I know my brain doesn’t need to be cured, but understood and accepted.

I hated my brain for a long time. At first because I thought my brain was slow— fundamentally defective. As I got older, I started to hate my brain for being sick and constantly bombarding me with messages of self-hate.

“Everything starts with a thought,” my therapist says.

I will not tell you I’m stronger for this. I’m not strong and resilient because of this; I’m strong and resilient despite this.

I have wounds to heal and experiences to process but I aim to bring greater harmony and balance to my life and continue to grow.

I aim to empower, inform, and offer my knowledge and perspective, earned through lived experiences and research.

I aim to release shame (my own and hopefully yours), while I address and work through some of my internalized ableism and continue to learn about myself, my brain, and my needs.

On my healing journey, I will continue to explore mental and emotional health, and engage in the process of learning and unlearning.

Whether you’re mentally ill or neurodivergent, whether you’re emotionally and mentally healthy, or struggle to self-regulate, let me hold space for you.